Page 34 of Between Hate and Desire

One that can numb the goddamn pain.

“You know what they say. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, right?” Hayden’s being overly encouraging right now.

“How’d that work out for you?” I ask, reminding him about his own past. “Okay, that was a dick move. Sorry, I’m just frustrated right now.”

“I get it. Don’t worry about it. Anyway, I gotta go. I have a conference call in five minutes, and I want to be prepared to deal with these assholes today.”

I look at the gym and all the people spending their Saturday on the treadmills. “Alright. I’ll call you later if I need to be talked off a ledge.”

“Sounds good.” He pauses, then adds, “You have a lot to offer a woman, Hunter. Don’t be discouraged. You’ll find her someday.”

Before I can argue that I’ve already found and lost her, we say goodbye and end the call, and I make myself get out of the truck. Once I’m inside the gym and find a treadmill, I run until my chest burns, and my lungs beg for air. I don’t give myself time to rest before I’m lifting weights and can barely move. All I want to do is break my body down because I shouldn’t feel this way. I’ll continue to force a smile and be supportive just as Brandon would do for me because I owe him that much. If I could kick my own ass right now, I would because I deserve it.

Considering I didn’t bring an extra set of clothes with me, I drive home drenched in sweat. As soon as I pull up to the apartment, I see Lennon’s car next to mine. I notice she’s slowly walking up the stairs with several plastic grocery bags in one hand and a paper bag in the other, but I pretend as if she doesn’t exist as I stride past her.

“Seriously? You’re such a dickhead!” she shouts, and I chuckle as I climb the stairs two at a time. My legs feel as if they’ll break as I take the top step. I unlock the door, walk in, and kick it closed behind me.

Once I’m in my bedroom, I take off my shirt, grab a clean towel, and place it in the bathroom. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, feeling dehydration setting in. Moments later, Lennon enters, slamming the door behind her, then drops the grocery bags on the counter. Her hands go to her hips, and she glares, but then I catch her studying my shirtless body. I arch a brow, wanting to tell her to keep her eyes to herself. She must realize what she’s doing because she shakes her head and the scowl returns.

“What the fuck, Hunter? You saw me struggling. The least you could’ve done was help me bring everything upstairs because this food is forallof us, not just me. I’m not sure what crawled up your ass and died the past few months, but maybe it’s time to grow the fuck up?”

My eyes meet hers, and I shrug. “Sorry. I didn’t notice you out there.” I smirk, which infuriates her further.

She groans so loud it reverberates through the apartment. “Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you to deserve being treated this way? I’ve lived here for nearly a year now, and we still can’t seem to get along. Why do you think that is?”

“Hmm. That’s areallygreat question.” I pretend to ponder it before I walk around her and go to the bathroom. I close the door and lean against the cool wood, trying to shake the sadness on her face that I’ve caused. This is what’s best for everyone. Making her hate me is easier and the way it has to be, especially now that Brandon wants to propose. If I let my guard down around her, I don’t know that I could hold back my true feelings. Being friends would only hurt worse, so maybe Hayden’s right—I need to make a real effort at moving on. Even if it’s going to be hard.

I need to let go of my feelings and stop torturing myself with what I’ll never have. I need to wake the fuck up and pull myself together. Even if it seems impossible right now.

I jump in the shower and wash off my workout, hoping one day I’ll be able to look back at the ridiculousness of this and laugh. I can’t decide if fate is an angel or if it’s really the devil because this whole situation is fucked up.

I’ve never believed in love at first sight, but Lennon changed that, only to torment me with her presence every single day.Maybe I’m only hung up on her because I can’t have her?Fuck, I know it’s more than that, but I’ll take any excuse to validate how I feel.

After my shower, I change into some clean clothes because I need to get out of this house tonight. I look through text messages on my phone and notice an unanswered one from Jenna. The last time we hooked up, she stayed the whole weekend, playing house and making it obvious how much she liked me. I kept things casual between us and made it clear I wasn’t after anything serious. I could tell she was disappointed, but she seemed to understand at the time.

Deciding it’s now or never, I take the plunge and send Jenna a message, asking her to go out with me tonight. If I’m going to try to move on, then I need to make a real effort. I don’t want to have these unrequited feelings for someone who isn’t mine, and maybe if I wasn’t so stuck on Lennon, there’d be room in my heart for a woman like Jenna.

She immediately responds, sending me smiley emojis and heart icons. Jenna’s a gorgeous girl, and she’s fun, so maybe I can try this time with someone who wants me.

I only hope I can reciprocate those same feelings.

The next morning, I wake up with a major headache. Jenna’s body presses against mine, her arms snaked around my waist as my dick comes to life. Last night, we met up at a bar, danced, and drank until all my inhibitions were gone, and I ended up in her bed. I want to feel something for her, somethingmore. I focused my attention on her all night long, making actual conversation to get to know her on a deeper level as I waited for that spark. There’s no reason I shouldn’t have feelings for her, but I’d be lying if I said I did. She’s a brunette bombshell—all tan legs and perky tits—so any guy would be lucky to have her attention. I kissed her on the dance floor as if my life depended on it. Cupping her face, I poured everything I could into a deep, sensual kiss that left me feeling like absolute shit. As she moaned against my mouth, her arms wrapped around my waist and tugged us closer together. My cock felt it, but my heart? It was dead.

Carefully, I slip from under the sheets and pull on my jeans and shirt. It smells like beer and sweat, but I don’t have any other options at the moment. I sit on the edge of the bed and grab my shoes to put them on. Jenna rolls over and looks up at me, smiling with anticipation.

“Last night wassofun,” she purrs. “You should stay for breakfast. And then we can do it all over again.” She bites down on her lower lip, and my heart drops. She deserves better than this—better than me. I should’ve stopped when things escalated last night, but I kept hoping something would spark inside me. That I could let Jenna in and have some emotional response besides our physical connection. But I realize now that’s not in the cards for us. I can’t keep leading her on to think we’ll be something more.

“No, I can’t,” I tell her, standing. “We shouldn’t have done this.”

Her face drops, and I feel like shit for hurting her. I know how she feels too because having feelings for someone who doesn’t return them hurts like hell. I don’t want to do that to her.

“You’re cutting me off again, right? Is this how things are going to be between us?” She sits up, pulling the sheets over her bare breasts. “You text me when you want some and then bail on me the next day? We only meet up when it’s convenient for you.” The pain in her voice makes me feel like a dick.

My eyes soften. “I wish I could like you the way you like me, Jenna. It’s not you. You’re everything, the whole package, and I don’t want to lead you on. I’m in this fucked-up place, and it’s not fair to you. I tried and thought I could let you in, but—” I shrug, feeling defeated and even a little vulnerable that I’m sharing this with her.

Jenna frowns, reading between the lines. “Who is she?”

Shaking my head, I refuse to acknowledge that Lennon is the reason. “No one.”

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