Page 13 of Between Hate and Desire

“Jewel and Lacy, please sit, okay? So today we’re going to learn a new song that many of you probably already know. It’s called ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah,’and you’ll be singing it with the first and second graders. Have any of you heard of it before?”

David stands up and starts belting out the chorus before I can stop him, but he has a family addicted to all things Disney, which I learned when I met his mother at parent-teacher night. I made the mistake of commenting on her adorable Mickey Mouse shirt and listened to her go on for ten minutes about the five trips they take each year.

“Very good,” I tell him, and he proudly sits down.

I have the class stand and do stretches, then we go through the scales to warm up their voices. Once they’re ready, I teach the main chorus of the song. We sing it slowly at first, over and over, and then I add in a few hand movements. Repetition is key with children this young, but I’m beaming with pride when most of them get the basic concept down. They’re quick learners, and I’m overjoyed that we’re already making headway.

After we’ve gone over it at regular speed, the bell rings, and all the little bodies swarm to the door and follow their teacher out of the room. I have just a minute to breathe before the first graders rush in to fill the chairs. Once everyone settles, I make the announcement about the spring program, and they’re ridiculously excited by the news too. It’s official: Disney is a win with the kids.

After I pass out the sheet music, we practice the song all the way through. They catch on much quicker than the kindergarteners, and not long after, I add in the hand movements for them to mimic. Before the class ends, we start at the very beginning again, and I’m pleased when they get most of the lyrics and choreography. This concert is going to be so cute, and ideas for other songs start flooding in.

“Great job!” I clap my hands, continuing, “You all make me super proud. We’ll have more songs to learn, so take your music folder with you and practice at home. I can’t wait to see how great you are next time!”

The second half of the day passes quickly, and by the time the final bell rings, I’m more than ready to get home to Brandon. Being with him melts away all my worry and stress.

As I walk to my car, I pull my phone from my pocket, and a smile fills my face when I see an unread text message from my little sister Madelyn. She’s four years younger than I am but moved from Utah to California to be near our older sister Sophie and me. The three of us have always been close, so being within driving distance of each other is something we’ve always wanted.

For Maddie, staying with our parents during high school was difficult because she felt so alone without us. It was an adjustment when Sophie left. A year later, I followed, and Maddie was basically an only child without us there. She’s been here for a year now, though it feels like only yesterday since we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together due to our conflicting schedules. She’s such a talented dancer and received a full-ride scholarship to CSU in Sacramento.

Sophie left after high school to attend CSU Fresno, which is why I applied there too. After graduation, she moved to Sacramento, and then I followed the next year. I wanted to be close to her and to give Brandon’s and my relationship a real chance since he lived there too. During my last semester, I applied for teaching jobs and was fortunate enough to find one right in the area.

Sophie now plays violin in the Sacramento Philharmonic & Opera, and when she’s not practicing, she’s performing side gigs for weddings or special events. She’s often fully booked, but when she has downtime, she teaches music lessons on the side for extra money.

Music played an important part in our lives growing up. It was all we knew. Ingrained in us from the day we were born, it paved the path for our chosen careers. I just love that we’re here together now and can hang out as much as we want when our schedules don’t clash.

I unlock my phone and read my message from her.

Maddie

Sis! Guess what? I received an invitation to an exclusive audition for a ballet company for their summer show. I AM SO EXCITED!

She’s been dancing since she could walk and is obsessed with ballet and lyrical dance. This is a huge deal, and it’s not lost on me how important this is to her. She’s worked hard over the years to perfect her skills, and I’m so thrilled for her.

Lennon

Oh my God! That’s amazing! When’s the audition?

Maddie

In two weeks, which means I’ll have to practice my butt off until then.

Lennon

You’ll do fine! Are you ready?

Maddie

I’ll make sure I’m ready! Sorry, I know you’re probably on your way home from work now, but I had to tell someone before I walk into practice. Love you! Oh, tell Brandon I said hey!

I grin at her last comment. My sisters love Brandon so much. Their support means everything, considering my parents still don’t know we live together or how serious we are. My sisters know my secret, and while it’s been hard to keep it from my parents since I hate lying, I know they’d never approve. Their rules were always so strict when it came to relationships. Couples don’t live together before marriage, and they surely don’t have sex either, simple as that. I love my parents so much and have always wanted their approval, so having to lie hurts more than I’d like to admit.

Living in a conservative, religious household wasn’t always easy. My dad is the pastor of a large congregation in Park City, and my mother is the daughter of one as well.

Growing up, the three of us kids sang in the praise and worship choir. When we got older, Sophie and I played in the church orchestra. She played her violin, and I played the organ, which was always fun, but it consumed so much of our time when all we wanted to do as teens was hang out with our friends.

My parents had stern rules in place until the day we left for college. We had an eight o’clock curfew, and we dedicated Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings to service. Dating was never allowed, and we were expected to get straight As in school. Though they were tough, they raised us with wholesome values and a distinct moral compass and taught us compassion. We know they love us wholeheartedly, but after high school graduation, we were ready to leave the nest and do things our way.

Disappointing them would be one of my greatest regrets, and that’s why it’s important for me to keep my relationship with Brandon locked tight. Although I don’t always stay within the lines they’ve drawn, I’ll never admit it to them because it would hurt them too much.

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