Page 5 of I'm Not in Love (I Promise)

I wasted three years with him. Three of my best years. And now every time I close my eyes, all I see is his scrunched up face as that undergrad bounces on top of him.Freaking asshole.I hope he fails out of med school.

Tossing and turning, I flip my pillow to the cool side and start to recite all the muscles in the body alphabetically. Usually that calms me. Clears my head. But for some reason, other thanthe obvious noise from the other room, I can’t get my chest to loosen.

I can’t shake an eerie feeling that someone was watching me. Call it intuition or paranoia but I swear a faint smell lingers in the air. Mint maybe. Smoke?

It’s probably just Mom or Bryan coming for one of their ghostly visits again. It’s been a few years. Not since college, when I swore to Falin that I’d see their outline in the shadows. If I tune out reality enough, I can almost imagine Mom sitting in the corner, smoking one of her menthol cigarettes.

“Guys, I know you’re spirits and all but creeping on me when I’m asleep is still weird. At least if you’re going to wake me up, do it in a cool way. Flash some lights or knock stuff over. This whole chill in the air, minty smell thing is so cliche.”

Blake, you’ve seriously lost it.

I let out a nervous laugh until tears drip onto my pillow. If Ethan were here, he’d scoff and shove a pill down my throat.“Talking to your dead brother again, Blake? You need to calm down. Take this.”

Blue, white, yellow. I’ve tried them all. Ethan’s very own pharmacy provided by his doctor parents. Too bad the only thing they do is dull my feelings. Bryan is still gone. Mom too. Nothing can take that pain away.

Mischa’s laughter echoes down the hallway. I’m seriously regretting choosing the downstairs bedroom. She’s most definitely wasted by the sound of it—and not alone. A man’s deep voice murmurs something and a high-pitched giggle follows. I catch the word “bedroom.”

Maybe it’s nothing.

I told myself when I moved in with my older brother, Brennan, that I wouldn’t get involved in his love life. Mischa was already threatened by our close relationship before I moved in. She had to have hated me being here. From what little I knowof her and her family, they aren’t a warm bunch. She must not understand what a caring sibling relationship looks like.

I remember when I met her, she scrutinized me with her lips turned down and whispered in Brennan’s ear. That night she barely said two words to me. Unfortunately, Brennan loves her, which means I have to accept her.

“Need more vodka,” Mischa slurs loud enough for me to hear. She clomps down the hallway without any of her normal poised grace.

I reach for my AirPods on my bedside table, turn on noise canceling mode and start my sleep playlist. Instrumental versions of my favorite emo bands. My eyelids finally start to drift closed as the third song plays.

Clutchingmy to-go cup of coffee between cold fingers, I navigate through campus. It’s early September but already a chilly morning breeze drifts in from the river. My eyes are puffy and weighed down from the broken night’s sleep, so the cool air is refreshing against them. Anything to help me wake up.

My pharmacology class meets in the historic section of campus. It’s closest to the river and all the stone buildings are covered in climbing ivy. Our labs are held in one of the newer buildings, though. As much as I like working with top of the line equipment, there’s such a disconnect between the north end of campus and the rest that it’s almost jarring.

Funny how it worked out that the med school I got into happened to be fifteen minutes from Brennan’s place. If it weren’t for that, I probably would have transferred somewhere else, away from Ethan, this year.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. There’s only one person who calls me this early.

“You realize it’s only 8 AM here?” I say in lieu of a greeting.

“And I knew you’d be up for class,” my brother answers. “I wanted to catch you. Pharmacology, right?”

“I have no idea how you remembered that. I can barely remember my own schedule.”

I pause outside the building, smiling back at a girl I sat next to once, as she walks in ahead of me.

“It’s my superpower, I guess,” he says as he yawns. “Sorry, long day.”

“Where are you this time? Lemme guess, London?”

“Nah, you know they won’t let me back there after the teatime incident.” He chuckles but I pick up on the exhaustion underneath. “Anyway, how’s it going?”

“Do you want my honest response?” I ask, realizing he avoided answering my question.

“Always.”

“I know I’m living with you for free and all, but is there any way you can tell Mischa to have her parties somewhere else?”Or keep them upstairs if she has to have them.

“I can try. But Blake, you realize we owe her a lot. You wouldn’t have that free room to live in without Mischa.”

“I guess, but Brennan, you’re seriously undervaluing yourself. You’ve busted your ass for Mech Express. Yeah, Mischa might have helped you schmooze to her father, but you’ve put in the work. Alex keeps you busy nonstop.” I soften my tone. “I don’t know, I guess I just miss you. It’s been too long. I haven’t even seen you since I moved back and it’s been way too many awkward meals with Mischa and her friends.”

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