Page 89 of Wired Justice

“Have you been taking your medication?”

“Not regularly enough.” The little white pills she’d begun a few months ago were hard to remember to take when so much was going on.

“Please try to make that a priority.” Dr. Wilson sat forward, capturing Sophie’s gaze. “I would propose that you can have those exultant kinds of feelings within whatever you are doing as a job. What you are describing is flow, a phenomenon that occurs with the right mix of endorphins and the attainment of a difficult goal. There’s a book about it called Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychologist. You can look it up. People chase after the feeling, but it cannot be bottled—except perhaps as a recreational drug.” Dr. Wilson smiled. “And of course, you would be too smart to want that kind of pale substitute.”

“This is . . . so good, Dr. Wilson. I want to understand everything that you are saying.” Sophie glanced at the clock. “But I don’t have much time, and I don’t even know what to do next. I don’t know what to do about my mother and her proposal. I am considering calling my father’s Secret Service protection agent, Ellie Smith, and throwing myself upon her mercy to guide me. Perhaps I will become a double agent, and spy on Mother’s organization.”

“Dear God. What a can of worms!” Dr. Wilson rubbed her temples.

“It’s true. And simple next steps: should I stay here on the Big Island, or go back to Oahu and resume work with Security Solutions? I need to make a living somehow. It’s not urgent at this moment. I have savings, and I will be paid for my work on the Weathersby case. But I also need to figure out my love life. Jake told me he wouldn’t have sex with me anymore unless I become his girl. In other words, acknowledge that we are an exclusive couple.”

“I know what that means,” Dr. Wilson said. “And how do you feel about that? About him?”

“Not ready to make such a commitment. I still have feelings for Alika, too, and I don’t have room for Jake in my life with all that’s going on and how much he would want to be a part of it. There’s so much I couldn’t tell him, and he hates secrets. To complicate things further, Connor has been tracking me. He called Jake and provided my location via satellite when I was kidnapped, which was how Jake was able to find me before I . . .” Her voice trailed off. “The most troubling thing is not that the Ghost is watching me and monitoring me . . . I am not surprised by that. He told me he was. What I am surprised by is something else.”

Such a long moment went by that Dr. Wilson prompted, “And what is that, Sophie?”

Sophie reached out and picked up the fidget toy and spun it. “I’m surprised by how easy it was for me to intimidate Chang into telling me the locations of the bodies he’d disposed of, and how very tempted I was to kill him and dump his body. I’m changing, Dr. Wilson, and I don’t know who I am becoming.”

“Even though hurting another human being is getting easier for you, it’s understandable with the violence you have suffered and the exposure to vigilantism that you are dealing with. In spite of those powerful drives, I am encouraged that you’re continuing to grapple with these moral and ethical issues. Sometimes justice isn’t simple, not just an eye for an eye. If that were the case, then yes, Akane Chang would have deserved to be dead ten times over. But if leaving Chang alive leads to the downfall of a crime organization that has its tentacles all through the state of Hawaii, then perhaps justice is exactly what you were meting out in handing Chang over to the authorities. They might cut a deal with him, and he might never be punished to the extent we would wish. And still, that might be a greater justice.”

Sophie smiled. “I see why Lei always said you were the best therapist. You aren’t afraid to be with me as I look my own evil in the eye.”

“We are all shades of gray,” Dr. Wilson said. “And that’s why justice is never simple and seldom easy.”

Sophie felt the weight of Dr. Wilson’s contemplation, and finally the psychologist spoke. “Well, can you come see me again tomorrow? Our business is not yet finished. I would like to see you resume the trip you came to the Big Island for, hiking and exploring this beautiful place—and coming to talk to me about what you discover, both on the inside, and on the outside.”

Sophie nodded. “That feels right to me, too. Thank you. I will decide that much, today.”

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