Page 48 of His Hold

The thought tears at me.

I saved him. Threw myself between him and that bartender like I had some suicidal instinct to be the hero.

Except I wasn’t trying to be a hero. I just couldn’t let him die. Not him. Not before I—

“But what the hell were you thinking, Katya?” Nikolai’s voice cuts in when we are face to face. “You don’t step in the way of a fight like that. Are you insane?”

“I just—” My words falter, choking me. “I just did what I had to do.”

He glares at me, but something’s off. His breaths come quicker, his chest heaving like he’s fighting more than the pain. Like he’s fighting me.

“Why?” His voice drops. “Why save me, Katya? Was it some pathetic need to play savior?”

“No,” I snap, my grip tightening around his shirt. “I could’ve let them take you out. I should’ve.”

“But you didn’t.” He shoves my hand away, that hard, bitter smile twisting his mouth. “You think that earns you some special place? Makes me feel something for you? I’ve told you what this is already.”

“That’s not what this is.” My throat tightens. “You think I give a damn about what you feel? I didn’t want to lose you. That’s it.”

“Lose me? Please Katya, that is exactly the kind of thing people who are just fucking don’t say to each other. We are not that important.”

“You are,” I say. The words come out hard and furious. “You are because I’m not done with you. Because this... this thing between us? It’s real, Nikolai. What just happened now made me see that. No matter how many times you and I try to shove it away, it’s still there.”

His shoulders tense, jaw clenching like he’s biting back a thousand words. But I see it, the truth he tries to hide behind anger.

“What’s real is that you’re useful to me,” he says. “Nothing more.”

“Then why do you care so much?” I fling the words at him like knives. “Why did you pull me out of the snow and keep me alive three days ago? You missed on purpose that day. I’ve seen you shoot, Nikolai. You don’t miss. So why didn’t you just kill me when you found out I’d been tailing you? Why follow me to my house, intimidate me, then walk away without leaving a scratch, just an orgasm? Why do you touch me and call me krasivaya, moya lyubov? Why do you keep saying it’s just fucking when everything you do, every way you look at me, is anything but that? And why the hell did you save me just now? You could’ve let that man kill me, shot him and his partner, and walked away without a scratch. So why?”

“I’m keeping you alive,” he growls. “Because dead, you’re worthless.”

“Liar.” I step closer, my heart pounding against my ribs. “I see how you look at me, how you notice everything I do. Even now, you’re trying so damn hard to pretend you don’t care.”

“I don’t.”

“Then stop lying to yourself,” I fire back. “Just like I have. You want to pretend I’m nothing? Fine. But we both know that’s not true.”

He doesn’t move. Doesn’t speak. His stare drills into me, furious and desperate all at once.

“I was terrified,” I admit, the words ripping out of me. “When I thought they were going to kill you. Because it would be just like Irina all over again. Losing someone I care about without saying goodbye. Without making it count.”

His expression shifts, something raw breaking through his guarded mask.

“I told myself I saved you because I want to take you out myself. Because you deserve it.” My voice is shuddering. “But that’s not the truth. The truth is I want you. And I don’t even know why. But I do.”

He shakes his head like he can shake me off, but I see the crack forming.

“I’ve learned to seize the moment, Nikolai.” I inch closer, close enough that I can feel his breath against my cheek. “To go after what I want and who I want. And right now, that’s you.”

His fists clench, arms trembling as if he’s forcing himself to stay still.

“Don’t,” he warns. “Don’t get any closer.”

“But you don’t want me to stop.” I reach for him, fingers skimming his arm, tracing the blood that leaks from his wound. “You keep telling me not to get attached to you, but then you look at me like this.”

“Katya...”

“Push me away,” I dare him, sliding my hands down his chest and roughly cup his already hard dick through his pants. “Prove to me you don’t feel anything.”

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