Page 85 of Hell or High Water

“Did I teach you nothin’, Tana? You don’t go givin’ your heart to a man. Don’t matter how hot he is or how sexy he walks. You guard it, darlin’. Let him fall in love with you and use it. That’s the real power.”

But I was never like Momma. And I knew I never would be.

Tossing back the covers, I got up, wiped my face, and headed to the bathroom. I needed a cold compress for under my eyes, but I wasn’t going in that other room just yet. He’d escaped me. Even though he’d held me when I fell asleep, he had left as soon as he got the chance.

The letters were in there. We’d left them on the coffee table. I wondered if he’d finished reading them. I’d not wanted anyone to ever read them unless absolutely necessary. Than had reacted so strongly when reading the few he did that I thought he had developed feelings for me that went deeper than he claimed. When he wadded up the letters after reading them and let them fall to the ground, my pulse quickened. I didn’t want to label why it was doing it, but I knew. I believed it was a sign that he wanted me. Not just sexually, but me. The person. I’d thought that he wanted me in a way that he clearly didn’t.

Wincing, I stared at myself, remembering his face after it was over last night. He’d looked almost devastated. That would stay with me for a very long time. I wasn’t sure I could ever have sex with anyone again without that taunting me.

And we’d not even made it two weeks yet. If I focused and didn’t have distractions, I could finish the virtual school a little early. Maybe by two weeks. Since I wasn’t going to walk and go through a real graduation with the whole cap and gown, like momma had always wanted to see, I wouldn’t have to wait for that official diploma. I could find a job sooner and be gone in less than three months.

Than hadn’t told me anything more about what they planned on doing with the information they had found on my stalker. But if he hadn’t been found by then, I was going to have to decide if I could brave going back to Monroe and using my scholarship or running. Taking a bus somewhere much farther away than here. Maybe the northeast. Find a job, make a new life.

I wanted that college degree. I wanted to be a labor and delivery nurse. To be a part of watching new life enter the world every day.

Using a washcloth that I’d gotten as cold as I could with the tap water, I washed my face, holding it on my eyes for several minutes in hopes of hiding the crying I’d done. Than already regretted it, and I didn’t want to give him more to feel bad about. I had wanted my first time to be with him. It had been my decision. He didn’t have to worry that I was going to want more. I knew that wasn’t an option for us. He didn’t feel the same for me as I did for him.

Momma had always said women were smarter than men and had the power of controlling them with what was between our legs. But I disagreed. They had the upper hand. Because where we let our hearts get in the way, they could have sex with anyone and feel nothing but the pleasure of the moment, then walk away.

Turning from my reflection, I finished my morning routine, then made the bed and dressed. The cabin was still silent, and it was almost eight now. I was starting to believe he’d not just left my bed, but the cabin too.

Had he left me alone here at night?

I shoved the prickle of fear away. I’d been fine if he had. No one had snuck in and left a blue heart-shaped note. I wasn’t harmed. Well, except for the damage Than had done, but I’d survive that too.

Taking one more moment to steel myself and prepare to face him if he was sleeping on the sofa, I paused with my hand on the doorknob, then finally opened it. My gaze went from the empty sofa to the kitchen. He had left. Even though I’d tried to prepare myself for this, it still hurt. I wouldn’t cry again.

I drew in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. I was fine. I would be fine. I would get over this. I’d be stronger for it.

Walking over to the kitchen, I went about making coffee, then opened the refrigerator, but closed it almost immediately. I wasn’t hungry. There was no point in making a breakfast I couldn’t eat. I’d drink coffee and pull up my virtual classes. Start getting ahead on them today.

After getting my laptop and setting it on the counter in front of a stool and placing my coffee cup beside it, I went to the front door to make sure it was locked. If he came back, he could knock. I wasn’t staying here alone with it unlocked. When I reached it, I heard something outside and stilled. There was movement on the porch.

Was he sitting outside? Maybe he had woken up and couldn’t go back to sleep and didn’t want to disturb me.

I could have made this into something dramatic in my head when it wasn’t that way at all. Hope began to squeeze its way into my misery, and I opened the door, wanting to see him. To be reassured everything was going to be okay.

My eyes scanned the porch and stopped on Ransom Carver sitting on the far end of the railing with a cigarette in his mouth.

He gave me a tight smile and inhaled.

Why was Ransom here?

“Morning,” he drawled, keeping the cigarette between his lips.

I didn’t reply, then realized I looked like a lunatic, staring at him. But my mind was now reeling with all kinds of new scenarios. None of them good.

“Good morning,” I replied.

Did I ask him where Than was? Or would that make me look like a clingy, desperate female? I didn’t want him or anyone, especially Than, to think I was going to beg for his attention now. I started to close the door, deciding I’d go back to my schoolwork.

“Than had some shit to do early this morning. I’ll be out here if you need anything.”

I nodded and forced a smile before disappearing back into the cabin. The very empty cabin. At least he hadn’t left me out here by myself. He’d sent his brother.

That had to mean something. Right?

Thirty-Nine

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