Page 85 of The Rat

“He drew thisbutterfly forTeddy, and it looks amazing.”

Captain grinned. “I’ll have to ask ifI can see it.”

Rory nodded. “Yeah, he’ll really likethat.”

“How youcoping?”

“As well as can beexpected…”

Rory picked a boot off thefloor, and Captain passed him a brush. “I mayhave been sick on thatone.”

“Nice.” Rory snorted, thenhe started brushing the boot. “Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask, but I can’tpromise I’ll answer.”

“When you were in the army, did you ever gointo enemy lines, you know like … undercover?”

Captain frowned. “Where’s this comefrom?”

“I wondered that’s all.I’ve not had the chance to ask you what you did.”

“My career lasted two decades,andI endedmy career as a captain, but before that, I was part of the SAS and,yes, I did go undercover at one point. It was the hardestassignment I was tasked with, and even though I completed myobjective, got the result we wanted, I didn’t feel anysatisfaction. Stabbing someone in the back who trusts you, who youlike even when you know you shouldn’t, it messes with yourhead.”

“How did you cope withit?”

“I focused on the end result,told myself that they were evil. Repeated it over and over in myhead,‘itwill all be worth it.’”

“And was it?”

“On paper, yes,” Captain said,then he tapped his temple. “But inhere, no. I justify my actions with myhead, but my heart still punishes me, and then I punish my headwith alcohol. One vicious cycle.”

“That’s rough.” Rorymumbled.

“Itis what it is. Others coped better than Idid under those situations, hence I left the SAS.”

“How did theycope?”

“They had people back home,wives, husbands. Whatever they did, they knew the people closest to themwouldn’t think badly of them, look at them differently, and I thinkthat knowledge and support helps.”

Rory thought ofErica, andhis lips lifted into a small smile. He knew he’d leave the prison amess, but if anyone could piece him back together again, make himfeel less of an asshole, it was her.

“I’m sorry you didn’t havethat.”

“Don’t be.”

“And I’m sorry the therapistdidn’t want to see you.”

Captain shook his head. “Ididn’t even want to see him for the therapy, I wanted toapologize.Show him I wasn’t that angry person, or at least I’m not him allthe time.”

“Maybe you stillcan.”

“How? He won’t seeme.”

“You could writehim aletter?”

Captain’s frown deepened, then hesmiled softly. “You know what, that’s not a bad idea. Thankyou.”

Rory put the boot down andbrushed his hands together. “Glad I could help.”

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