Page 109 of The Rat

“I can’t stop it hurting.Only you can.”

“How?”

“Do you still want to do theright thing? Do you still want to be agood person?”

“Yeah, of course, but Idon’t see how I can.”

“You could try making it up toall thepeople you feel like you let down.”

Rory frowned, then glanced up atJenkins. He blinked in quick succession, then keptstaring.

“You’re freaking me outnow…”

“Captain—BenjaminTracy.”

Jenkins looked away. “What abouthim?”

“Did you get hisletter?”

“I got it.”

Rory shuffled forward on his seat. “Doyou forgive him?”

“There was nothing toforgive.”

“But you shut him down, said youdidn’t want to see himagain. He scared you.”

Jenkins bit his lip and closedhis eyes. “I’m not gonna lie, it was terrifying when he startedshouting—”

“I swear he’s not like that. Helooked out for me when I was inside. He’s one of the people I’velet down. He’s suffering, andhe needs someone to talk to. Please—”

Jenkins raised his hand. “Stop, stop,stop, let me finish.”

“Sorry…”

“I was terrified, but more thanmy own fear, I was scared for him. Scared I wouldn’t be able tohelp him. I’m twenty-six, I live in thecountryside, I’ve never seen a deadbody, never been in a fist fight, let alone a fire-fight. I ridehorses and collect stamps,”

“Stamps?”

“Exactly. I’m a psychiatrist, andfor most of the inmates in here, I know enough, can help them copewith being inside, or the crime they’ve committed, or any troubles thatplague them, but Benjamin… He was right, I don’t have a clue whathe’s been through, or what it was like, or how to help him. I’mworried I’ll let him down.”

“So your solution is not to seehim at all,not to try?”

“It’s the best I could comeup with.”

“You could help. You might beable to sort through the mess of his head. Unburden him.”

Jenkins reached for theglovecompartment, and Rory shifted his knees out the way. Heopened it up and retrieved a folded piece of paper.

“He apologized for scaring me, but itshould be me apologizing for being a coward.”

Jenkins unfolded the paper. “There’s somuch self-hatred, and self-loathing in this letter. I canpractically feel the despair when I read it, and I want to help,but if I mess it up, I could make it worse. I’m not an idiot, Iknow inmates smuggle in alcohol, and he’s an addict. He could startdrinking again if I push.”

Rory scrunched up his face.“He’s already done that once—”

“What?”

“After youwouldn’t seehim.”

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