Page 108 of The Rat

“You look like you’re a million milesaway.”

Rory sighed. “I really wish Iwas.”

“Wanna talk aboutit?”

“I’m not comfortabletalking to a complete stranger about my mess.”

“Sometimesit’s best to talk to a completestranger,” The man said, then craned his neck down, and pointed tohis badge with his chin.

“DoctorJenkins,”Rory mumbled, “you’re the prison psychiatrist.”

Jenkins smiled. “That’s me. Mycar’s overthere. I can give you a ride if you want?”

“Really?”

“I wouldn’t have said so unless I meantit. Come on.”

Rory nodded, then followed Jenkins to hiscar. He placed his files and folders on the backseat, then got intothe front. Rory hesitated for a moment, then climbed into thepassenger seat.

“So, you know who I am … who areyou?”

Rory flexed his achinghands.“RoryPrice—No, that’s not right. Rory Matterson.”

“You changed names prettyquick just then…”

“I was in theprison.”

Jenkins dropped his gaze toRory’s knuckles, thenglanced back up. “Have you escaped?”

“They’ve let me go. I wasundercover.”

“I see, andnow you’re feeling lost, unsurewhat to do next?”

Rory bobbed his head. “I don’tfeel like myself anymore. I don’t feel like anything, I’m numb, andI have no idea howto make myself feel again.”

Jenkins whistled.“Well, that’smore than one session right there.”

Rory laughed at his lap. “Tell meabout it…”

“Okay, I will. I don’t know whathappened inside, but you can’t be around people and not start tocare, start to identify, to adapt. Now you’re out, you’ve lost youridentity, the person you were before has gone and you don’t knowhow to get back to what you were.”

“So how do I doit?”

“Unless you have a timemachine, you can’t.”

“Damn it.”

Jenkins chuckled, andtwitched his nose.“So you can’t go back, but what did you like about yourself beforeyou went inside?”

“I wanted to do the rightthing. I wanted to be a good person. A good policeofficer.”

“And you feel like you’renot?”

“I hurt people, and I hurtmyself.” Roryfrowned down at his hands. “I don’t mean physically. I wish it wasall physical. Physical pain gets better, it softens, or you getused to it, and it’s not as intense, but the feeling in my chest.The loss, the guilt, the shame. I let down everyone I cared about,and now I’m on my own, and it hurts.”

“So what are you going todo about it?”

Rory spluttered. “You’re supposed totell me.”

---