Page 83 of Biker's Tribute: Property of Bear

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Thirty-One

Ethan

I’ll never know what would have happened if I lost the game, just like I’ll never know what would have happened if the club’s backup hadn’t arrived at just the right time. Would I have let them take Mallory Corsini just to save Amanda? Yes. I would have done anything for her. I did the craziest thing I could think of and now… I’m broken again.

She might not realize it, but winning blackjack feels better to me than cocaine. Anyone who’s done coke will tell you that none of the comparison – sex, pizza, weed – come close to the real thing. Gambling is different for me. One win is all it takes to set off another intense relapse. I’m too ashamed to tell her.

I wanted her to be more than Dr. Yancey to me. I wanted her to be Mrs. Shaw… but I know where this road leads. It leads to utter fucking failure. I let this addiction sink its teeth into me again and Amanda might not look at me differently now but… she will.

She lets me take her back to our place in Boston after Zebulon and Reedpromiseto take Mallory to a “safe house” – in this case, a fancy rental in Boxboro, MA, so she can get to her stuff. The boys handled the bodies outside and paying Mallory’s family enough to make them “forget” the injustice against their family.

I still have so much guilt. The second I get through the front door of our place together, I take Amanda's hand and press it nervously to my lips before shutting the door. She notices the shift in me. She has a very special and strong intuition that I can't help but feel deeply attracted to.

"Ethan, you did what you had to do and Mallory's fine."

But she won't be. Even Mallory knows it or she would have stayed at her apartment overnight. Everything in Amanda's life will change again and I don't see how I can help her. Or how I can leave her alone. I'm torn. And every time my mind wanders away from her, the lust returns for my old vices.

She moves closer to me and I steal the opportunity to hold her by the hips and pull her against me, forcing her to look into my eyes and giving myself the chance to soak up every detail of Amanda's appearance in case this is one of the last times I see her.

"She's going to be okay, and that's what matters."

"I'm sorry."

"You asked me to trust you," she says, pressing her hands against my chest and giving me some mild hope that I didn't screw up too badly. "It worked out."

The question lingers between us silently. But what if it didn't work out? "I want us to be together, Amanda. Forever. I know I'm not the kind of man who deserves to end up with a fancy doctor but–

"Hush," she interrupts. "You're doing your best. This isn't a setback, Ethan."

She doesn't understand.

"I... I have a problem, Amanda. The second I played that game, I felt every fucked up desire I've ever had rush back and... I could never hurt you like that."

Her face transforms with so much love and affection that I don't think I deserve. I want to look away from her, but she reaches her fingers to my lips and presses her index finger against them. Her hands are perfect. I kiss her finger and when it falls away, I bend to kiss her lips.

They're so full and soft that what I meant to be a simple peck on the lips escalates quickly. I have the mind of a gambler and the intense rush from Amanda's lips turns into a craving for more within seconds.

The ache deepens…

I want more of Amanda's lips. I pull her closer to me and kiss her with lust that threatens to devour me. She stumbles a couple steps back and I grasp her hips, pressing her against the wall. She's safe. She's alive. I might have screwed my mind up, but my body feels alive.

"Clothes off," I whisper. "I need you in my bed."

Amanda looks up at me past long, black eyelashes. As she blinks up at me, my dick stiffens in my pants. She's so fucking gorgeous. And smart. And too damn good for me.

But she kicks her shoes off, and I feel like at least temporarily, I have her approval again. If I hadn't tracked her down to Mallory's house, who knows what would have happened. Once she has her shoes off, I fumble with the buttons on Amanda's pants. She hooks her thumbs around the waistband of her jeans and we get her pants off slowly. She throws her arms around my neck to kiss me again and I cup Amanda's ass cheeks only with the intention of touching her, but her soft buttcheeks are too tantalizing for me to hold back.

I squeeze her soft, perfect buttcheeks and then lift her to hold her against the wall. We make eye contact as my dick throbs painfully against my pants, desperate for escape.

"I could fuck you right here," I whisper. "You're tempting. And soft... and... I don't want you to leave."

I kiss her neck and work to get Amanda's underwear off as our lips smash together. My fingers brushing against her soaked underwear gets me even more excited. My dick fights against my jeans, but I can force myself to be patient if it means more time with Amanda's body.

What if this is the last time? What if I can't stop the gambling and I screw up so badly that I lose this woman?

Amanda holds onto me for support as my fingers slowly tease her outer lips. Her pussy drips, coating her outer lips in juices that get my blood pumping.

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