Page 70 of Biker's Tribute: Property of Bear

“I’d rather be nuts than live my entire life denying myself pleasure.”

“I don’t do that! And leave Mallory out of this. What is your problem?”

“She’s not who you think she is and the worst part is knowing that you don’t even trust me, even if I’ve proven myself to you.”

“Ethan, you’re having an argument in your head with yourself.”

He infuriates me. I have known Mallory for years. We studied together. We moved to Boston together. We did clinical rotations together in Chicago and she went through all kinds of drama with me. She’s my ride or die. If Ethan wouldexplain himselfthat would help.

“It’s a lot more productive than talking to you, Doctor Denial,” he says. His cold voice just pisses me off, not to mention the insult.

I fold my arms, giving him a firm response that does nothing to budge his closed-off body language. “Don’t call me that.”

“Then admit you’re too scared to be with me because I’m not fancy enough. Or maybe I’m not the man you think you deserve because of the gambling and the bike club. I don’t know what it is.”

Emotions color his face and then he grows calm and withdrawn. I watch the light dim in Ethan’s eyes and feel a mixture of guilt, rage, and confusion. Why does he want to do this now?

“Who says I’m scared? I asked you one question–”

“My problem isn’t gambling,” Ethan’s voice booms heavily. “It’s you. And the bullshit you dragged me into…”

He seems so angry. I want to hold onto him as much as I want to push him away. The woman in me wants to slap him, but the therapist sees all of Ethan’s vulnerabilities. I saw them the second he walked through my door. A big man like that doesn’t know a life of softness, especially Ethan, who clearly avoids giving his heart freely to women.

He spends more time thinking about looking after his mother than bitching about past lovers, which is rare for men in their late thirties. I see those parts of him, but I also see the truth. He hates Boston. He struggles with gambling. And… How the hell would a relationship between us work? We’re too different and it goes beyond skin color.

I’m not denying my feelings for him. I’m acknowledging the truth – it doesn’t matter how I feel. This man will leave me like all the others have. When I finally push him too hard, ask for too much, or when I grasp at too much independence, he’ll get on that motorcycle and leave the city.

I keep my voice steady, holding back all my emotions as I try to stay focused on drawing this conversation to a productive outcome. “Why don’t you trust Mallory?”

“Because I don’t trust anyone with secrets.”

I try to press him, unsure if it’ll work. “What secrets?”

Ethan’s face turns bright red.

“There’s no point in discussing this.”

“Why not?”

“Because you won’t ever see me as anything more than a monster. And if this hasn’t changed that, nothing will.”

“Ethan…”

The wall is up again. I feel forced out of his heart and out of his life. And what does he mean about Mallory? That seems important. But I can’t get Ethan’s body language to open up. I offer him gentle eye contact, but he looks away from me, barely concealing his anger. He’s trying not to scare me with his size and I don’t feel afraid, but I do feel incredibly far away from him.

“We’re done with this conversation,” he says affirmatively in a tense voice that pushes me out the door before Ethan does it himself.

Using his large body, he backs me up and edges me out of the doorway before he closes the door. Andlocks it.

“ETHAN!” I call after him, pressing my palm hard against the door. He’s on the other side, hurting and now he’s hurting me. My professional training doesn’t prepare me for the reality of arguments that happen in my personal life. I have my own triggers, my own fears, and right now, they’re all coming up here.

Why won’t he make it easy for me to push him away? And why do I still feel so drawn to fix his hurt when I know he’s going to walk out that door someday and head back to Missouri.

“I’ll let you back in after dinner,” he grunts. “I need to be alone.”

I don’t know what happened the night he went out. If he hurt someone else. If he got hurt. Something happened and now he’s suspicious of Mallory and shoving me out the door unceremoniously. My stomach tightens in a knot and I wish I had Ethan’s size and strength because I would rip the door off its hinges.

“When you’re ready, I want to talk.”

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