Page 58 of Dream with Me

I force myself to walk again, and when I’m in the parking lot, I run to catch up with Troy. He’s almost at his car, and I’m not going to catch up with him before he gets there. So, despite there being people around outside, I decide this is worth using my mom voice, even if it embarrasses us both. I cup my hands around my mouth and yell out his name. He glances over his shoulder and stops a few feet away from his car.

When I reach him, Troy turns around to face me, and I notice, for the first time today, the dark circles under his eyes and his dry lips. There’s no smile on his face, and he looks exhausted. How did I miss that earlier?

“What was that about in there?”

Troy grips a handful of his hair and sighs. “What was what about, Shannon?”

“You freaked out on me because I was upset you hadn’t told me you were seeing a counselor. Why did you even need to see a counselor? What does he do for you?”

“She. My counselor is a female. Not a male.” I roll my eyes, annoyed that he chooses to focus on that. He shrugs. “I’ve got things. We all have things.”

“Like what? Are you talking about me? The marriage?”

Troy narrows his eyes at me, a frown on his face. “Tell me what you talk about with your counselor. What is she trying to help you with?”

I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t get any words out for a second. I want to tell him this is private information, but I realize how hypocritical I sound. Still, the idea of him having to talk to somebody about me does something to my insides that I don’t like.

He shakes his head and sighs. “That’s what I thought. Right now, she’s working with me on my communication. She’s helping me learn how to focus when there’s overstimulating activity around me, so I don’t forget things or miss something important somebody says to me. She’s giving me other tools instead of just talking slowly and not saying anything out of fear I’ll say the wrong thing.”

“Is that all?”

“No, Shannon, it’s not all.” Irritation drips from his words and he rubs at the flesh at the base of his thumb like he does sometimes. I’m not used to this side of Troy. “But I’m not in a place to talk about the rest right now. The rest is personal.”

I hate that I’m being replaced. I know it’s his counselor, but I’ve always been his person. I’ve been the one he was closest to and would share things with. When he would share, that is.

A thought strikes me, and once it’s stuck in my head, I can’t push it away without knowing the answer.

“Why don’t you do it with the kids?”

“What?” He sighs, lifting his gaze to the sky for several long seconds before looking at me again. “I should go.” He steps the last few feet to the car and clicks the key fob to unlock the door. I catch up with him in seconds.

“You don’t do it with the kids. When you talk to the kids, you don’t take as much time. You don’t go slow or measured. You’re just you. You laugh with them and joke around with them. You talk differently when you’re with the kids.”

He stands, staring at the car for several uncomfortable seconds before looking over his shoulder at me. “I don’t know...”

“Bullshit,” I snap, irritated.

Troy turns fully around and faces me. “Fine. You want to know why I talk freely with the kids when I can’t with anybody else... withyou?”

“Yes, that’s why I asked.”God, why am I being such a smartass right now?

“Because I’m not afraid the kids will leave me.”

I stand in the spot, shocked still, while Troy gets in his car and drives off. I can’t comprehend what he just implied. That all these years, he lived with a fear that I would leave him.

And I did.

CHAPTER31

SHANNON

Tillie gestures for me to sit down when I enter her office as she listens to someone on the other end of the phone. At first, I peek around because, as a senior accountant, she gets an office rather than a cubicle like us junior accountants. I notice some personal touches that make the space welcoming. Then, I listen as she talks with her client. I’m impressed by how she engages with them and her obvious expertise. I’m grateful we became friends early in my employment here. She’s both a friend and a mentor. Oh, and now, thanks to my sister, she’s my co-complainer during spin class, which the spin-witch (our nickname for Shyley) has dragged us to several times.

While I wait for her, I get lost in my thoughts. I rehash Oliver’s progress appointment in my head, as well as the aftermath in the parking lot. I’m embarrassed I behaved like I did. I basically demanded that Troy tell me what he talks about in counseling. I owe him an apology for that.

It’s his last sentence to me that has haunted me since that day. Troy was fearful of being left. Jesus, how have I been with the man all these years, and yet I never knew this?

How do I justify being angry for what I thought was him not seeing the deeper parts of me when I missed something sopainful?For years, I was blind to it.

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