Page 50 of Dream with Me

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a great mom. Today’s women have so much to juggle, and you’re killing it. We have to support each other as part of the sisterhood and not let each other put ourselves down when we can’t do it all.”

I’m pretty sure my jaw is on the floor. Where did that come from? Olivia must see my shock because she giggles.

“You know I spend a lot of time with Aunt Shayna and Emily, Mom.” As if that explains it... Well, actually, it does. Emily and Shayna have been best friends for longer than I’ve been with Troy and are two peas in a pod. They’re all about girl empowerment. I’ve always envied how together they are. How brave they are about tackling the hard stuff in life.

“Emily says you’re kickass, and Aunt Shayna says you’re a boss bit?—”

“Olivia Jane, don’t you finish that sentence.” I bite my cheek to hold back a smile.

Olivia gives me a cheeky smile and then rests her head on my shoulder. We sit quietly like that, and I realize how little alone time I get with my first baby, especially in the last few months. With Troy and I being... apart, Oliver struggling, Chase regressing, and Chelsea having her play therapy appointments, Olivia has sort of faded into the background. My heart aches at the thought.

“Hey, Livvy?” I whisper. “I’m sorry if Dad and I have been preoccupied with everything going on with the other kids and haven’t been giving you enough time.”

Olivia’s quiet for a few seconds. “It’s okay, Ma. I’m okay.” She sits upright and twists her body smoothly into a cross-legged position facing me. “I’m sad about you and Dad, but I know you both love us all and will take care of us. The little kids need more right now... It’s harder for them to understand. I?—”

I wait to see if she’ll finish, but she doesn’t.

“You what, sweetheart?”

She looks up at me and suddenly doesn’t look like the sassy preteen who almost called me a ‘boss bitch’ a few minutes ago. Now, she looks like the little princess who first made me a mom.

“I want you and Daddy to be happy and I don’t understand because...” She pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Because you both seem sadder when the other one isn’t around. I don’t understand why you’re apart then.”

* * *

My emotions areraw from Olivia’s words earlier, and I can’t believe I somehow muddled my way through a response to her devastatingly heartbreaking words. Truthfully, I wish I knew the answer to her questions, but I’m confused myself, lately.

When the doorbell rings, Shayna is here to pick up Olivia for her sleepover with her cousin, Jessi, Shayna and Finn’s daughter, I’m still in a daze. I ask Olivia to grab my study bag while I answer the door. It’s time for my couple-days-long study break to end.

My sister hugs me when she walks in, then leans back and looks at me, concern marring her face.

“You okay, lil’ sis? Do I need to kick somebody’s ass for hurting you?”

“That’s a dollar in the swear jar, Mom.” Jessi hugs me and takes off in pursuit of finding her cousin.

When she’s out of earshot, Shayna looks at me and shakes her head. “Do you have any idea how much that fucking swear jar has cost me since she’s been in my life?” There’s amusement in her eyes, but it’s quickly replaced again by worry. “Shan?”

I force a smile to my face. “I’m okay. Just an emotional conversation with Livvy about the di... about Troy and me.”

Shayna frowns. “Honey, you can’t even say the word, can you?”

She doesn’t have to tell me she means the word ‘divorce.’ I know that’s what she’s talking about. I turn away from her.

“I can. I just don’t want her to hear.” It’s obvious—probably to us both—that my words are a lie. Fortunately, the girls chose that moment to skid into the foyer, Olivia’s bags for the sleepover in tow.

Olivia wastes no time squeezing me into a hug. “Good luck, Mom. You’re gonna kill it.”

“Yeah, Aunt Shannon.” Jessi wraps herself around my other side. “You’re gonna kick that test’s butt.”

When the girls release me, Shayna pulls me into a hug. “You got this. You’re the smartest person I know.” She leans in closer to my ear. “Plus, you’re a boss bitch,” she whispers.

“I heard that, Mom,” Jessi scolds.

Shayna grunts and pulls away from me. “Call me if you want to talk.” I nod in response.

They’re almost out the door when Olivia turns back. “Oh, Mom, I left your bag in the living room, but Jessi and I took some of the gum from your backpack. I figured you wouldn’t miss it with that ginormous bag. Love you!”

Just like that, she disappears through the door, and I wonder what the heck she’s talking about. When I get to our living room and look in my bag, it doesn’t take me long to figure it out. What I find stuns me.

---