Page 38 of Dream with Me

“You love it even more than being a firefighter?” Oliver’s eyes are wide like saucers, and his hands are a little less tense.

“Yep. Way more than being a firefighter. If someone told me I had to pick between being a dad to you and your brother and sisters or being a firefighter, I’d always choose being your dad.”

Flo, the server who I swear has been here since Pat’s opened, drops off our brownies and hot chocolate. I thank her, and she quickly gives us our privacy again.

“Did you not want to be mom’s husband anymore? Is that why you left?”

Well, shit. How do I answer this without throwing the blame on Shannon?

I take a moment and take a slow sip of my hot cocoa to buy me a few precious seconds to gather my thoughts.

“That’s harder to explain, bud. It’s not that your mom and I don’t care about each other, but sometimes things with grown-ups get... complicated. It will make more sense when you get older, but I want to promise you a few things, okay?”

“Okay,” Oliver whispers. His eyes are fixed on me.

“So, first, remember I love you and your brother and sisters more than anything. I’ll always be your dad, and I’m not moving away or leaving you.” I watch him for a second, and he nods. A sniffle escapes him, but he manages to hold back the tears I see building behind his eyes. “The other thing I want you to know is that even though you might be worried about Mom, she’s okay. You don’t have to try to do things to take care of her or the house. She’s handling it okay, and if she needs help, your grandpa, uncles, and even I will help her. You worry about being a kid.” A fat tear runs down his cheek, and he swipes it away. “The last thing is I promise you’re safe at home. Mom makes sure the doors are locked every night, and no one will hurt you or our family. You don’t have to worry about protecting everyone. That’s not your job yet. When you grow up and have a family, that can be your job if you want it, but it’s not yours right now. Your only job is to love your siblings and the rest of your family, do well in school, and have some fun. Okay?”

He nods.

“There’s one more, the most important. You need to tell me or your mom when you’re worried or stressed about something.”

He pauses, but he’s visibly more relaxed. “Kay,” he answers.

“Oh wait... There is a job I forgot,” I tell him. His eyes widen, and I smile. I reach across the booth and ruffle his hair. “You still have to keep cleaning up Scrappy’s poop from the yard.”

A smile breaks across his face, but then he feigns a grimace. “It’s so gross now. It’s getting mushy from the snow when it melts...”

I’m happy my boy is smiling again and that some of the tension I’ve seen him carrying seems lessened. We spend the next twenty minutes eating our brownies and finishing our hot chocolate before we leave and I drive him home.

When I drop him off at the house, I walk him to the front door to see that he gets in okay. It’s late enough that the other kids will be in bed, so I don’t plan on going in.

I unlock the door for him and promise him I’ll lock it from the outside as soon as he gets inside. He nods, hugs me, and turns to walk inside but then freezes in place. He slowly turns around and looks at me.

“I can tell you anything that’s bothering me or worrying me, right?” His face is too serious for being ten years old.

“Absolutely anything. I promise I can take it.” I wink at him.

“I worry about you by yourself at your house. It... it makes me really sad that you don’t have a bed. Everyone should have a bed.”

I somehow fumble my way through a reply and then, when he’s safely inside, I text Shannon he’s home and rush to my car. I throw my head back on the headrest once inside the vehicle. It takes me several minutes to calm my breathing.

Ten-year-old boys’ biggest worries should be about who’ll win their next soccer game or how they’ll do on their math test, not about whether their parent has a bed to sleep on or not.

I despise that everything happening between Shannon and me has so strongly affected our kids. Even more, I hate that my failures as a husband put us all here.

CHAPTER23

SHANNON

My eyes are crossing as I lay my head on the wooden table. I’ve been at the library for two hours now. If I look at another tax question, I’m going to pull my hair out. I probably have bruises on my butt from sitting on it for so long. I stand, stretch, and decide to take a stroll around the library.

Iwalk around the central part of the library, leaving my study materials at the desk I’ve commandeered in the corner. I’ve been coming to this library since I was a little girl, and there were few places I loved more. Whether my parents brought us here for story time or I was on my weekly trip with my mom or dad to exchange my books for new ones, the library holds nothing but joyful memories for me.

As I walk by the circulation desk, Mrs. Jolson glances up and smiles at me. She’s been the librarian here since I was about seven years old, so she and I are pretty tight. She even offered to quiz me using the practice test I have for my CPA exam.

I glance down at my watch and see I have another three hours with the babysitter at our house watching the kids. I know I should take advantage of this time and get as much studying done as possible, but I’m in a good place for the exam. I miss evenings at home with my family.

My whole family. Together.

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