Page 9 of Romance Languages

“I feel like all you do is teach, coach, work your second job, eat, and sleep.”

My second job wasn’t that taxing. I did data entry for a real estate office in town, helping them digitize their files. It was easy to zone out after a long day at school. But I got what he was hinting at.

“You can make room for someone else,” he said, the hint becoming more pointed.

A girlfriend.

“I’m not focusing on that right now.” I let my hands soak in the warm, soapy water. “I have bigger fish to fry.”

“How’s it going with the debt?”

My jaw tightened. “It’s going.”

“Look, I wanted to bring up what I said in the past. The offer still stands. Ethan and I can give you a loan.”

I shook my head in a firm no. They’d already been incredibly generous allowing me to stay here rent-free. I wouldn’t let them help with anything else.

“This is my mess. I will handle it.” I handed him a fresh plate.

“It’s not mess, Shay. You had an addiction, and now you have it under control.”

“Addictions are for mind-altering substances like drugs and alcohol. Not for dumb twenty-five-year-olds who can’t stop playing online poker.”

“Actually, numb nuts, there’s a word for it. Gambling addiction. Are you still attending meetings?”

I nodded yes. Another embarrassing point. I went to a local church once a week for GA meetings, where we shared and shared about what we’d done wrong, never letting me forget it. Not like I would.

“Good. I’m proud of you. Seriously, I am. You had a problem, but you’re getting help and working to make it right.”

“I have a long way to go before that happens.” A wave of shame washed over me like it regularly did.

“In the meantime, you can open yourself up to the possibility of a lovely girl coming into your life.”

“No. Hard no.” I threw down the sponge. “Greg, do you realize what I did? Not only did I blow my savings and dig myself into credit card debt, I ruined Lauren’s life.”

“You didn’t ruin her life.”

“I didn’t? How would you feel if you were engaged to Ethan, and then he convinced you to combine finances, then wiped out most of a modest inheritance you received from a dear aunt?”

Greg stiffened. No charming response on that one.

It had been two years ago, but I still felt like a fresh piece of shit for what I did. Lots of young guys played online poker; why did I have to be the one who let it ruin their life? I’d been so sucked into the online gambling world, so utterly convinced one big play could turn things around, that I’d nearly decimated the savings of the girl I loved.

I was doing this for us! To give you the life you deserved!I’d had the nerve to tell her.

We didn’t talk anymore, only to make sure I continued to pay her back on an agreed-upon schedule. I hated myself for what I’d done, for how I’d let myself completely lose control.

“I don’t want to date, Greg. I’m damaged goods.”

“You’re not.” His comforting hand on my shoulder couldn’t change my mind.

“A part of me hopes that my BlingBling can take off, so that I can start getting sponsorships and be able to pay her back sooner.” I wanted all this guilt and shame off me, but deep down, I knew it’d never go away.

“You’re going to burn out if all you do is work.”

“It’s what I deserve.”

“Shay. Come on, man. You went through a bad period. That doesn’t mean you’re damaged goods. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be with someone.”

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