Page 41 of Romance Languages

“It’s okay, Jules. We’ll get naked, it’ll be a little weird, then it’ll be fine.”

That was like saying we’d do some heroin.Sure, it’ll be weird at first, but then shooting up will be old hat.Anger began to rise within me. How could he be so chill about disrobing? Did he realize how fortunate he was?

I hopped off the couch. I needed some space.

“Ireallydon’t have to get naked. Maybe the hole in the jeans is the best idea. Trust me, Seamus, you don’t want to see what’s underneath here unless you feel like gouging your eyes out immediately after.”

I let out a laugh, but he didn’t join me. Concern crossed his face.

“What does that mean, Jules?”

Did I really need to explain it?

“Seamus, come on. Guys like you are meant to be naked. You give good naked. Guys like me…we should keep our clothes on.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Is it? Nobody wants to see someone like me naked unless they have a fat fetish.”

“Even more bullshit. You look good, Jules.”

“That’s because I know how to dress for my body.” I changed into a new shirt when I got home, unfortunately bending to Mom’s advice about horizontal stripes. “It’s like wearing concealer. And I’m concealing a lot.” I was on a roll with the fat humor. It was a natural defense mechanism honed from a lifetime as the fat kid and fat friend.

“You have a great body.” The sincerity in his voice grated on me like nails on a chalkboard.

“Oh please. Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot. I don’t need one of those body positivity talks. I don’t have a six pack abs and guns. I have rolls and more rolls and man boobs. Trust me, you don’t want to see that.”

“Don’t talk about my friend that way! You have a hot body!”

“Seamus, stop.”

“You do! You’re sexy and you don’t even know it.”

“Will you stop!” I kicked my coffee table, leaving a chip in the thick wooden leg. I wanted to scream. I wanted to wipe that look of pity off his beautiful face. “Don’t give me this bullshit about how sexy I am, when we know the kinds of bodies people like. Is it really some mystery why I’ve never had a boyfriend or why I have to resort to a straight guy pity-fucking me? Here’s your answer.” I gestured at my chest and stomach, my lumpiest parts. “And for you to sit there and pretend like we live in a world where I have a hot body…it’s insulting. We both know what I look like. I’m a fat ass. My third-grade classmates had it right all along.” I shrugged, fighting back tears. “That’s the truth.”

Too bad saying the truth didn’t make me feel any better. Maybe this whole arrangement was a mistake.

“It’s probably best if you go,” I said before making a beeline to the bathroom so I could be alone with my fat ass self.

12

SEAMUS

Icouldn’t leave him like this.

Julian wasn’t the only one hurting. Anger surged in my chest. My fists were tight and coiled. I wanted to punch every person who’d made him feel this way. Every guy on every app. Every Instagram model. Every superhero Chris. Hearing Julian talk about himself with such disgust broke my heart. He was ridiculously smart, and caring, and funny, and loyal. Why did none of those qualities matter more than having a stupid six-pack?

A few moments later, I knocked on the bathroom door. No answer.

“Hey, Jules?” I knocked again. “Can you give me a sign that you’re still alive in there?”

After a painful silence, he knocked back.

“Can we talk about this?” I asked, leaning my head against the door.

“I’m sorry I’m being dramatic. Can we just talk tomorrow?”

I hated hearing him sound so dejected. Even at his lowest, he was self-aware. His brain was always going. How many times had he beaten himself up about his weight?

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