Page 1 of Romance Languages

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JULIAN

So how did I become an almost thirty-five-year-old virgin? Believe me, it wasn’t planned.

No kid grows up wishing to hold out on physical intimacy for his adult life. Even kids forced to wear purity rings counted down the days until they could have sex.

I wasn’t asexual. I wanted to have sex. Lots of it. The occasional cramping in my right hand could attest to this desire. Sex was always on the docket for my life.

But then it just…didn’t happen. As Ferris Bueller warned us, life moves pretty fast. Days turned into months which turned into years, and suddenly I woke up one morning and found myself one month away from being a thirty-five-year-old virgin.

How did I let myself down?

Like many gay guys, I was closeted in high school. While my classmates were letting their hormones run wild, I held mine back for dear life, lest anyone find out my secret. I wasn’t one of those lucky closeted teens who had a neighbor kid he could experiment with or who secretly got it on with the closeted jock, like my friend Amos. I was a chubby, awkward kid with acne who had a tendency to blend into the background. Even if every guy in my school had magically become gay, I doubt I would’ve been at the top of their boyfriend wishlist.

It took me until my senior year of college to find the courage to finally come out as gay.

There were some guys who went through a slut phase when they came out. (The empowered version of slut! No shaming here.) They wanted to make up for all the action they’d missed while in the closet. I didn’t have that urge. I didn’t want to toss my v-card to the first breathing homosexual available. I wanted to find someone I could fall in love with. The closet was lonely, and navigating openly gay life was its own kind of solitude. I wanted to find that person who would make the loneliness disappear.

Unfortunately, while I wanted a boyfriend, potential boyfriends did not want me. I went to LGBTQ+ nights and gay bars, but things never progressed past a first date or some guy taking down my number and never texting me. Was it because of how I looked or my personality or a combination?

Guys on apps were much more direct:sorry, no fatties.

Oh, the power of not having to look someone in the face when you reject them.

At least they said sorry.

I existed in this gray area where I wasn’t big enough to be considered a bear, and I wasn’t muscular enough to be considered an otter. I was garden variety overweight, with most of my weight pooling in my stomach, hips, and ass. I’d received compliments on my lush brown hair (my best feature) and dark eyes, but those assets couldn’t outweigh what was happening below my neck.

As more of the gay dating scene migrated to apps, I focused my attention on grad school and then teaching. I held out hope that I’d meet someone in person, someone who could get to know me first, rather than judging me based on a thumbnail image. But eventually, that hope slowly eroded, disappearing into the wind.

The years passed.

Once I hit thirty, I was determined not to fool around with guys in random hookups. I’d waited this long; I couldn’t throw away my virginity. It became this thing that unintentionally grew in stature. I couldn’t bear the thought of finally having sex with someone and then having them ghost me.

Voilà! Virgin for life!

On the bright side, I could still be used for ritual sacrifices and lighting the black flame candle inHocus Pocus. Who wouldn’t want to hang with the Sanderson sisters?

It was a secret I seemed destined to take to my grave. I hadn’t even told my friends. They wouldn’t kick me out of the group chat for being a virgin, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t humiliating. Especially because two of them had serious boyfriends and were likely having sex on a regular basis.

Amos:Happy one month until your birthday, J!

Chase:Are we counting a month as four weeks or thirty days? Technically, his birthday is thirty days away.

Amos:Chase, stop being such a party animal.

Amos:Get ready for an epic birthday celebration!

Julian:Epic? I’m fine with something lowkey.

Everett:J, what are your thoughts on mechanical bulls?

Everett:And how do you feel about go karts?

Julian:Um, not really my cup of tea.

Amos:Ignore him.

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