Page 31 of The Barkeep and the Bro

“As the male, you’ve been the one to pursue the female. You make the first moves.”

“Not always, but usually,” I admitted. There were women out there who weren’t afraid to be forward.

“So you understand inherently and through learned experiences the modern mating rituals that can qualify as a success in the attraction of people to each other.” Chase teepeed his fingertips. Was he trying to crack the quadratic equation of sex?

“I am really lost here.”

“English, Chase,” Everett demanded.

“Teach us how to flirt because we suck monkey balls at it.”

I nodded my head, finally getting it. Around the table, the guys all seemed interested to learn.

“Be our heterosexual Henry Higgins,” Everett said.

“Wasn’t he straight?” I asked. I had watchedMy Fair Ladywith my grandma multiple times.

Everett raised his eyebrows. “Was he, though?”

I wasn’t going to debate someone who had a degree in theater and was horny for dick. I hopped off my stool and rubbed my hands together. How did one teach flirting?

“I’m not really sure where to start,” I said. “I don’t have any moves, per se. I just be myself.”

“What if that doesn’t work for us?” Amos asked. “I mean, Julian can speak actual French, and it doesn’t help.”

“Je sui loser.” Julian hung his head. “We need your help.”

“That’s your big problem. Flirting is all about confidence, number one. Nobody wants to hook up with a loser, which you guys are definitely not. But if you feel defeated, you’ll look defeated.” I went around the table and slapped each guy on the back. I was like a coach giving his team a pep talk. “C’mon, gents. You are four sexy, successful guys. With pensions. Any of these guys tonight would be lucky to hook up with you. Hell, to even talk with you. You are quality fucking specimens. They should be taking a number deli-style to be in your presence.”

The soundtracks to all my favorite sports movies swelled in my head. “I’ve been to countless parties and bars; here’s the thing nobody tells you. Everyone here feels the same way you do. They’redyingfor someone to talk to them, but they’re too chicken shit to do it themselves. So they sit with their friends and go on their phones. By making the first move, just going up and starting a conversation, you’re already braver and cooler than everyone else here. You think I don’t get nervous when I go up to a chick at a bar? Of course, I’m nervous. I’m shorter than most guys in most places. But I do it. Doing it separates the men from the boys, if you will. Because what’s the worst that happens?”

I look at Chase, and it takes him a second to realize I’m expecting an answer.

“They say no?”

“Exactly! It sucks, but it’s just no. We used to have a saying at my old office. Yes was the best answer you could receive from a prospect, but no was the second best. Hearing that no is better than sitting here and wondering and never knowing. You are in the middle of a sea of dudes. If you get that no, move on.”

My words seemed to be getting through to them, judging by how intently they were listening and how they kept nodding their heads.

I clapped my hands twice, and it overpowered the music for a second. “You’re going to get out there, and you’re going to remember who the fuck you are.”

I pounded my fists against each of their backs. “Now, I challenge you to leave this island of introversion and talk to one guy in here. If you get rejected, find another. Don’t think about finding your soulmate. Focus on completing the challenge.”

“The experiment!” Chase said, eyes wild with ideas.

I pulled my beer from the center of the table and raised it in the air. Their Mai Tais met me in the middle. I had the idea for us to yell Dick at the count of three but smartly decided against it.

The boys wandered off into the club. I hung out at the table and surveyed the scene, but then I decided to do some research. After I finished my beer, I went to the back bar and took a seat. I watched the bartender there do his magic. It was crowded and busy and unrelenting. He didn’t take a break. His hands moved at warp speed delivering beer and mixed drinks of all varieties. During one of the brief lulls, I struck up a conversation with him and asked about his background, how long he’d been doing this. He didn’t have any magical advice aside from practicing and to keep doing it. I fully intended to keep going. I could feel myself improving, which motivated me to work harder.

The night wore on, and my teacher crew were all indisposed with different gentlemen. Everett danced with a sexy black guy on the dance floor; Chase was engaged in a conversation at the front bar with a burly man; Julian sat at a corner booth with someone who looked very much like him; and Amos was making out by the bathroom with a guy whose face I obviously couldn’t see.

Maybe I had a career in being a teacher. I had a proud feeling watching my students. Throughout the night, I had different guys give me the tractor beam eye or try and flirt with me. They were all objectively good-looking, but I had no other feelings for them. My dick had no response.

Later in the night, Amos found me and confirmed I had a key to the house and asked if I’d be okay taking an Uber home.

“Of course, buddy.”

His lips were flushed and swollen, his face a bright red.

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