Page 104 of The Falcon and the Foe

“I don’t want to lose you to some accident. I can’t stomach another cop showing up at my door. I already worry so much about Quentin. Having you in my life and knowing I could lose you at any moment...I can’t live that way.”

“Hmmm. Okay.” If ever there was a reason to have a beard, it was to scratch at it in moments like this. “Let me see if I follow: you plan to shield yourself from the pain of life by having as few people close to you as possible, so you can thereby limit the chances of losing people? I mean, that sounds smart in theory, but it adds up to approximately horse-hooey in real life.”

Russ glared at me, his regular, persnickety self coming back into view. “Please don’t mock me.”

“I’m not mocking. I’m poking holes in your argument like the best lawyers do.”

“But you’re not a lawyer.”

“I played one in a cartoon once.Fluffy Barker: Dog Attorney. I was a dog lawyer representing a schnauzer against a mailman. The case had a surprising amount of legal merit.”

A hint of a smile graced Russ’s lips. But humor could only get us so far. Russ was completely vulnerable. I had to give him the same.

I took his chin. “Russ, you can’t live life that way. If you let people in, there’s a chance something bad could happen to them. That’s the risk all of us take by being human. Having people in your life you care about makes life worth living, but the flip side of that is we could lose them. You could prepare them for every scary scenario in the world, but there’s still that risk. Haven’t you seen any of theFinal Destinationfilms?” I held up my hand. “Sorry. Humor slippage.”

I paused to soak in the glow returning to his face. “I’ll never fully know what you experienced with Malcolm, but I’m not letting you slink out of my life so fast. None of us know when our number is going to be called, so we might as well make the most of our time together.”

I kissed him, and thank the Lord he kissed me back. “I love you, Russ.”

Fuck, I’d never said those words before. Never thought I’d ever say them to another man. But it felt remarkably natural with Russ in a way I’d been searching for all my life.

“You tell the scouts to be prepared and to be brave. I think knowing that there are things you can’t prepare for in life and still choosing to move forward is what makes you brave.”

Now I was getting misty-eyed, borderline angry at Russ for even contemplating bowing out of my life.

“I love you, Cal.” He nuzzled my beard, one of my favorite things in this world.

“Then don’t break up with me, you doofus.”

Russ laughed into my beard.

“I won’t,” Russ whispered.

“Good.”

“You’re the only bear I want in my life.” He bopped my nose with his finger, which had a strongly intimate vibe.

I was here for all the intimacy.

“Since you technically broke up with me, and now we’re back together, does that mean we qualify for make-up sex?”

“It must be really fun inside your head.” And then he flashed me that grin, and I knew everything would be all right. No matter what life threw at us, it would be all right.

“Are you guys ready to go?” Quentin asked. He and Josh approached us, phones in hand, bored looks on their faces.

“Kiss and make up and let’s get some Denny’s,” Josh said.

“Why did you look at me when you said make up?” I asked. Et tu, Josh?

“Denny’s it is!” Russ jumped up. We held hands to the car, the boys walking in front of us, talking about what they planned to order.

We almost got eaten by a bear, but today was still a great day. And I knew there’d be more. So many more.

31

CAL

Being in love was pretty cool. It was like finding a new song that you’re obsessed with and playing it on repeat.

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