Page 69 of Emerald

“Also from Kuret. I uh, slept with him.” She looks down at her hands.

Is she feeling shy about it? Or ashamed? Ugh… I can’t tell and my heart starts beating faster as I think of what to say that won’t give it away or make her angry.

Luckily, she starts talking again.

“I’m not making rational decisions anymore, Olivia. I used to be so careful and thoughtful… My parents would be so disappointed in me and how I’ve thrown away all the things they ever taught me.”

Oh no, I think, panicking. She needs comfort and I’m pretty sure even Kroaicho would be a better choice for this moment.

I try for a neutral topic instead. “Is your family still…”

I trail off, realizing I don’t know how to end that sentence.

“Alive? Not my parents. And the rest of them clearly aren’t family. They sold me. They’re why I’m here.”

I might not understand what I see on her face, but her raw voice tells me how upset she is about that. Of course she’s upset about it. I scramble to think of a response, annoyed with my useless brain.

“We are walking statistics,” I blurt out, then cringe.

“Come again?” she says, voice confused now instead of gutted, at least.

It wasn’t what I was aiming for, but I lean more into it. “It was my family, too. Statistically speaking, they are the ones most likely to sell people into trafficking.”

She grunts. “Right.” She shakes her head, white braids clinking. “It doesn’t matter. What I’m trying to say is… I’m going crazy here.”

“Well, I think that is pretty normal when—”

She cuts me off. “No. You don’t understand. I can’t make up my mind about anything. I’m going in circles. I followed the first alien that seemed like they were protecting me around like a puppy and they ended up being a terrible, terrible person. Then Kuret, the person who saved me from them treats me really well and is pretty much the most understanding person I have ever met… I really mean that, too. I never thought a man would actually listen, but he does. Without judgement and with this incredibly flexible personality that just… sticks with me, no matter how much I vacillate. You know?”

I nod. I don’t know, but I also would rather she keep talking while I try to figure out how to respond.

“I went from being a virgin, to deciding to jump him in all of about two seconds, Liv. As in hating his guts to giving away something that should have been precious.”

She pauses, but luckily I’ve thought of a response by now. “Do you regret it?”

“What? The sex?” she asks.

I nod and she purses her lips and thinks for a moment.

“No. No I don’t. He’s patient, and kind, and he takes all of this crazy that is going on in my head right now in stride. He’s steady. All the time… and it’s exactly what I need right now. What I need for the rest of my life. But… I just don’t feel like myself anymore.”

“In what way?” I ask her, stalling.

“I can't make up my mind, Olivia. I hate violence, but next thing I know I’m killing a bunch of aliens. Then I give the person who saved me from a… terrible person a hard time about violence. Next thing I know I'm giving him my virginity. And then still giving him a hard time about the same things, over and over. I'm losing my mind."

I finally stop panicking when I realize that this is just simple psychology. Maybe I can help her after all."Are you expecting to be rational after waking up in another part of the galaxy?" I ask."More rational than I have been," she mutters.I snort. "If life has taught me anything, it's that people don't make sense. Why expect your actions to make sense after your world literally disappears when we, humans I mean, didn't make sense before we came here?"She turns fully to me, and I struggle to maintain eye contact, wanting to let her know that I care.

“What?" she asks, brows low.I look away, no longer able to handle my brain screaming at me. "You made choices,” I clarify. “Some of them bad. Some of them good. Some didn't align with what you usually would do. Or the beliefs you thought you had. Right?""Right,” she says, voice more sure now.

It gives me confidence to keep pushing my point. "Stop trying to explain the why and instead ask if it led you where you wanted.""I'm a prisoner in a cave, Liv,” she says, her voice dry.

It draws a laugh from me. "I can't help you there. I mean with this alien you jumped. Do you regret it? You said you didn’t, but then you circled back to guilt. You need to decide about the regret so you can let go of the guilt… or drown in it. Your choice, but do you regret it?”

"No. I don't,” she reiterates.

“Then stop thinking about what was rational for you on Earth and start thinking about what is rational for you right now,” I conclude.

She clucks her tongue, then sucks her teeth as I wonder if she’s going to finally get mad at me now. I talked for a really long time. Surely I said something wrong in all of that. I just know it…

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