Page 194 of Blood & Betrayals

I ignore him and walk to the water fountain, filling one of the plastic cups.

Max follows me. “You really want him with someone else?”

I look down, staring at my reflection on the surface of the water. “I want him to be happy.”

“And he’s not now?” Max asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

“How could he be?” I feel another tear slide down my cheek. Fuck. I don’t want to cry in front of Max again. I don’t want to cry again at all.

Max rolls his eyes. “You’ve got to be blind. The guy is fucking insufferable since you started dating. He was always a pain in my ass, but now he’s like… so much worse.” Max walks to a machine to wipe it down. “As if he didn’t have enough going for him before you got here.”

“It doesn’t matter. I ruined it,” I say, sitting on one of the benches.

Max turns to face me, leaning against the scary-looking cardio machine. “What did you do?”

I shrug. “I did what I always do and fucked it up.”

“Then fix it,” Max says simply.

I sigh heavily and take a sip of water. “He deserves someone who doesn’t fuck it up.”

Max quirks an eyebrow. “In the two and a half years I’ve known him, he’s never had a girlfriend. Not until you. He didn’t seem to care. Sounds like he wants you.”

“I’m not worth it, Max,” I say, another cursed tear burning its way down my cheek.

Max shakes his head. “That’s not for you to decide.”

“I should go talk to him.”

“Probably,” Max agrees.

“Thanks, Max,” I say. He may be the biggest asshole in the realms, but I appreciate the relatively safe space Max has made for me here. It’s different from the stranger. I would never discuss my darkness with Max, but I am confident I will receive the truth from him, no matter how ugly.

I sigh heavily and push to my feet, wiping the sweat and tears from my face. I leave the gym and head straight to the Morningstar House. I try to keep my mind clear the whole walk, knowing that if I give it enough thought, I’ll chicken out. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be the hurtful one, and I desperately want to be able to feel something other than pain and loneliness.

Zane answers the door after one knock. “Oh, hey, Summer. He’s upstairs.”

I nod, squeezing Zane’s arm as I pass him and head up to Connor’s room. My heart squeezes again when I see his name etched on the door. I knock but open the door before he answers.

The window is wide open, and the room is freezing. Connor is propped on the windowsill, looking at the garden and the treeline behind the house. He was in the same spot when I came here to give him my phone number, but I’m even more at fault this time. This time, my own feelings are involved, and it’s messier, more complicated, but also somehow easier.

I close the door behind me, pressing my back against it. “So I’m the worst girlfriend,” I say, unsure how to fix this.

Connor continues staring out the window. When he doesn’t reply, I walk over to him, stopping just within arm’s reach of him. “I’m bad at being loved, and I don’t know how to do it.” Bitterness floods my mouth, tasting the truth of my words. “I’ve never been loved before.” Not truly. Not completely. “And so, sometimes my brain kind of trips out, and… instead of being open and honest, I build protective walls.” I look out the window. “Protective walls with hurtful words.”

Connor leans his head back against the windowsill, still not looking at me. “Lonely way to live.”

“I was alone for the first twenty-seven years of my life.”

“Feels like you want to make it twenty-eight,” Connor replies, and I fight to keep from flinching. His words are harsh but fair.

“Right.” I swallow, my eyes stinging. “Well, I came to apologize. So, I’m sorry about earlier. I want to be better for you, but…” I pause, trying to center myself. “But also for me.”

Connor turns his head, finally looking at me. The hurt in his eyes makes me want to fall to my knees. “For you?”

I nod, forcing myself to hold his gaze even though his pain is making me want to die. “I… need to fix it.”

“How?”

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