Page 219 of Blood & Betrayals

I lean up, snagging his lips with mine. “I like it.”

“You’ll be safe?” Connor asks, kissing me back.

I nod and slide my hands slowly down his chest, moving toward his pants.

Connor grabs my hands and looks down at me. His expression is gentle, but I can see the sadness in his eyes.

“Babe? I just want to hold you tonight if that’s all right?”

I swallow and nod, pulling my hands away. Connor shifts onto his back and pulls me against him.

No, no, no, no, no. My demons are loud tonight, and there will be no distraction. Just me and my thoughts. My fucking awful, dark thoughts.

Connor idly strokes my back but quickly falls asleep with me in his arms. My mind drifts to the stranger, to the danger, to the thrill. Fuck. What is wrong with me? I roll out of his arms to lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling. Maybe I just need to get away from Avalon for a while.

My phone alerts, and I know exactly who it is. My body knows who it is.

He did cross the friend line, and he’s acknowledging it. Why am I not more upset? Because that darkness within me surged as he did it, and it felt so fucking good.

There is a weighted delay before he replies.

I exhale heavily, acknowledging the heavy weight sitting on my chest.

I wince, feeling every ounce of the truth dripping into the message.

I glance at Connor. He is sleeping so peacefully, his face so unburdened. His sweet kindness makes my heart ache.

I consider for a moment. Is that what it is? No. It doesn’t feel like anything is wrong apart from me.

I glance at Connor again. I so desperately want to tell him no, shove these thoughts from my mind, and cuddle into Connor. But I crave the feeling of being heard, of being understood. These truths have been locked within me forever, but since I met the stranger, I want to get them out, to voice them. I cling to the profound hope that perhaps if I speak them out loud, they’ll leave forever. I’d love to be able to tell Connor, to confide in and open up to him, but I don’t want any of my darkness to attach to him. While I know he’d be understanding and still love me, I don’t know that he wouldn’t look at me differently. I’m not sure if I could live with that.

Making up my mind, I climb out of bed. I pull on a pair of leggings and a red wool sweater before creeping down the stairs. Pulling on my snow boots, I slip out of the house, wrapping my arms around my body against the cold. I already regret leaving the warmth of Connor’s arms.

The stranger is already outside, leaning against the porch railing. His back is to me, and he’s looking out at the rainy night.

“You’re waiting for the next blow,” he says, still looking out into the inky night, though his voice sounds like he’s right next to me. “People like us,” he continues, “we don’t trust good things.” He looks up at the cloud-laden night sky. “We prepare for the next hit to come, coil our bodies in preparation.”

“It’s not just that,” I say, looking down at my boots.

He glances at me over his shoulder, finally pulling his gaze from the dark. “Then what is it?”

I sigh and sit on the front steps. A chill breeze blows my hair across my face, and I tuck it back behind my ear. “I’m not normal. I don’t have normal feelings, normal wants, or normal desires. I…”

“You’re not like him,” the stranger says, sitting beside me.

I pull on my sleeves, tucking my hands inside the cuffs. “I want to be.”

The stranger looks back at the sky. “The realms are full of wishes and wants, of those like him, golden and pure.” He pauses, then looks at me. “Then there are those like us.”

I meet his gaze. “Like us?”

“Those made from shattered shards of the realms, filled with the dust of all those who broke us. We’re not like them. We try and try, but we’re a different breed. Beings like us don’t have wishes and wants. We don’t obey. Instead, we challenge and destroy. We shape the realms, and they fear us.”

I swallow, looking away. “I don’t… I don’t even understand what it is I want. What I need. I just know it’s?—”

“It’s not what you’re getting now,” he finishes for me. “That’s all right, little fae. To not know. To wonder and reach.”

I feel my stomach dropping. “How do I change what I want, then?”

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