Page 66 of Heartless Game

As the car drove off, I pushed and shoved against Jack, but somehow the left wing managed to keep me in place. Maybe because the fight had burned out of me, leaving me drained and miserable.

“Fuck, man!” he exploded as soon as they were gone.

“Fuck, man,” I agreed, hanging my head.

“You fucked up bad,” he said. “What did you evendo?”

“I fucked up bad,” I repeated. “I tied her naked to the founders’ statue and hid in the shadows. And then when some asshole showed up and tried to touch her, I lost my shit and beat him nearly to death.”

Jack blinked.

“Don’t even act like you haven’t done worse,” I growled.

He lifted a shoulder. “Oh, I have done worse. Way worse. But I never expected you to do something so awful. Desperate to prove she doesn’t mean anything to you, right?” He nodded like he understood. “But this shit isn’t like you. Not Dr. Dimples. Not Isaac Jones, Good Guy.”

I was learning that Isaac Jones, Good Guy didn’t really exist. It was a hard pill to swallow, but nowhere near as difficult as facing what I’d done tonight. The monster had won, after all.

“I’m not sure you really know me,” I admitted. “I’m not sureIreally know me.”

The only person who knew me was sitting in the passenger seat, headed to Jack’s house. And fuck, I’d hurt her. The terrified, devastated look on her face was something that would haunt me for the rest of my damn life. It didn’t matter what I did to try to fix it, every time I closed my eyes, I’d picture the tears running down her face. I’d have nightmares about the way she’d yelled, the way she’d shivered.

Fuck, was she cold? She was only wearing my shirt, and it wasn’t much.

Jack watched me. “Aviva will take care of her. Although she may hide her from you or change the locks on our doors so even I can’t get inside.”

“Sorry, man.”

He shook his head. “Like I said, I get it. Wanting someone so much, caring about them so much—lovingthem—it’s the scariest shit in the world.”

“I don’t love her,” I interjected so quickly, evenIdoubted myself.

A small, sad smile appeared on his face. “Even so. Feeling things—it’s a whole nightmare,” he continued. “So much easier to get angry at them, to blame them, to take that fear out on them. To try to push them away and prove you don’t give a fuck. But here’s the problem with that. When you catch your breath and the fog lifts, you have a new nightmare to deal with, because she’s gone and you don’t know how to get her back. If you think you’re desperate to throw her away now, imagine what it’s like not having her within reach. And yeah, you can force her to stay—but emotionally, forget it. That shit…” his eyes looked haunted. “…losing her is the worst thing you’ll ever experience.”

“I…fuck.”

He was right. Seeing Tovah drive away had hurt like nothing in my life. Like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out the heart I never knew I had, only to drop it in a food processor and press start.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” I said.

“I know. And I don’t know what to tell you, because even though apologizing is a start, it doesn’t cut it. Remember man, it’s not about redemption, it’s about atonement. It’s about living every goddamn day of your life like your only purpose is making it right.”

We stood there as I digested his words. He slapped me on the back.

“Okay, where’s this guy you beat the shit out of? You can’t make it right if you’re in prison. Even if both of us belong there.”

I led him to the statue. The guy was still lying on the ground, but he was breathing. His eyes opened, and he tried to crawl away when he saw us.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I never was going to actually touch her, I swear. Please don’t kill me.”

Jack and I didn’t have to speak out loud to know what the other was thinking. Being hockey teammates was a benefit right now; we were used to communicating practically telepathically.

Simultaneously, we crouched down before him.

“I won’t kill you, as long as you never speak a word about this to anyone,” I said slowly.

“But if you do talk…well, you won’t make it to graduation,” Jack added smoothly.

“Got it?” I finished.

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