Page 79 of Lose Me In The Shadows

…well, then there really would be nothing left of him.

21

San Francisco

She’d killed a man.

Coldly.

Without deliberation, remorse, anything.

That was the part that got to her. Sure, it was in self-defense. She’d saved her life—and probably her men’s lives, too. She didn’t regret her actions. But shouldn’t she feel…something?

Shock, Conor had said. Maybe she was still in shock. But then why did she feel no guilt, only a deep satisfaction that justice had been wrought, and that she’d defended herself and her family?

Her family.Huh.

She looked out the window of the apartment they were staying in. They had a view of the whole city, with the Bay in the distance.

When they’d arrived at the Oakland train stop, Conor had declared “no more public transportation,” and they’d hopped in a cab to the apartment Marcus had rented for them. Well, not rented. Micah had explained that this was one of Marcus’s many pieds-a-terre. Kara didn’t know how many favors they were racking up at this point, but hey, she could always shoot Marcus if he became a problem.

“Fucking hell.” She buried her head in her hands.

The men had hovered when they’d first arrived, worried about her, but she’d insisted on taking a shower on her own and having some time to herself. They’d started to argue, when Micah put out a hand.

“Let’s give her some space,” he said, and the other two had reluctantly agreed.

They needed to plan anyway. The witness had insisted on meeting them at Vixen, San Francisco’s fanciest, most private sex club—also owned by Marcus. Luke had guessed it was that they weren’t allowed to bring guns, but at the word “gun,” the three of them had fallen silent, watching her, as if those three letters, g-u-n, would send her into hysterics.

Instead she’d left them and headed into the bathroom, and when she came back out, they were nowhere in sight. She could hear them talking in what she assumed was Marcus’s office, and she left them to it.

G-u-n. What would her life had been like if Luke had never taught her how to shoot?

What would her life be like now if she’d never met them?

Well, she wouldn’t be a killer, for one thing. Her life would be quiet, stable…boring.

Empty. Lonely.

As she stared out the window, she forced herself to say the words out loud, the way people did in AA, to make it true.

“My name is Kara Blum, and I’m a murderer.”

And why didn’t that fill her with disgust or self-loathing?

Had this always been her path? Had fate, that merciless, conniving bitch, put Conor in her path, to lead her on this journey toward murder?

Kara didn’t really believe in fate or meant-to-be’s. Life was a series of choices that got you places, and then you made more choices that took you more places. But she couldn’t deny that, even if things had happened to her—for instance, not one but two kidnappings,thank you very much—her reactions and responses had gotten her here.

She tried again. “My name is Kara Blum, and I don’t regret killing a man.”

Her blurry reflection in the window said the words back. And maybe it was because a window didn’t make the best mirror, but Kara didn’t see any remorse in her reflection’s eyes.

She’d changed. They’d changed her. For better? For worse?

And did it even matter? She couldn’t go back. She’d meant it, when she’d told them it was time to let go of past hurts and move on. This was who she was now, and she either had to accept it—or change again.

“My name is Kara Blum, and I do what I have to, to protect myself and the people who matter to me,” she tried again—and that time, it sounded right.

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