Page 50 of Sugar, Spice, and Magical Midlife

Ethyl rolled her eyes. “You’ll find another lover by sunset.”

“Of course I will.” He flashed a fanged grin while tracing her bottom lip with his thumb. “But none of them will have such a sweet mouth.”

“There’s Frederica.” She jutted a finger toward a mammoth beast that dipped under the doorway, hunching over just so her head wouldn’t scrape the ceiling while she tried to navigate around tables and people a third her size. She had a bullish face and two...wait...what? I squinted as the minotaur approached our table. No, those couldn’t be. But as Frederica stomped toward us, her bulbous-tipped horns wiggled like rubbery dildos. Great Goddess! She had dick horns.

Augustus let out a girly squeal and then poofed into a bat before flying away.

“Vampires are so dramatic.” Ethyl laughed then turned to me while smoothing back her pigtail. “How do I look?”

“Penis perfect,” I blurted, keeping one eye on the hooved dildo head as she made her way toward us.

She gave me a funny look. “What?”

“Picture perfect,” I corrected.

Des dropped his game, blinking up at the mammoth beast as she stood in front of our table.

Ethyl let out a squeal and fluttered to the tabletop and then into her lover’s arms.

“Meine blume!” Frederica roared as she wrapped her massive, tattooed arms around Ethyl, her dildo horns swaying with the movement. “I’ve missed you!”

“And I’ve missed you,” Ethyl said as she took the bull’s face in her hands and planted a kiss on her wide mouth.

Puffy clearly approved of the minotaur, because he swarmed her head like a hummingbird on crack, letting out excited little grunts.

I decided to take that moment to add more sugar and creamer to my coffee while looking anywhere but at Frederica’s head.

“Her horns look like wieners,” Des whispered to me.

“I know, but we don’t say those things aloud.” I patted his shoulder. “Just play your game.”

He shrugged and went back to killing bad wizards.

By the time Ethyl came up for air, both she and Frederica were panting and swooning. Frederica held Ethyl against one round hip like a mother carrying a small child as Puffy perched on her shoulder and licked her face.

“Frederica,” Ethyl said while waving down to me, “this is Luci. Luci, Frederica.”

“Nice to meet you.” I waved up at the minotaur, mindful not to look above her unibrow.

“Luci is a distant cousin,” Ethyl continued while beaming, “but she’s more like a sister to me.”

“Guten tag,” Frederica said gruffly.

“This is my son, Des,” I said while patting Des’s shoulder. I was relieved when Des refused to look up from his screen. “He’s in his own world right now.”

“Keinproblem,” Frederica said before smiling at her lover. “Are you hungry?”

“No,” Ethyl answered, “we’ve already eaten.”

“Do you mind if I grab a sandwich and a coffee?” she asked us. “I missed breakfast.”

“No, darling,” Ethyl cooed before kissing her lover’s leathery cheek. “Not at all.”

Frederica set Ethyl back on the table then dragged her hairy knuckles down the side of Ethyl’s face. “I’ll be right back,meine blume.” She walked away with Puffy still on her shoulder.

Ethyl beamed. “I’ll be waiting, my darling.” Then she plopped on the center of the table with a sigh while crossing her ankles, her wings draped behind her.

I arched a brow as I watched Frederica stomp away, her dildo horns wiggling. “Meine blume?”

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