Page 148 of Bride of the Midnight Prince

“But I do not want that to be true of me,” I say. A slight tremor has entered my hand, I slide it away from Kat’s gaze. “I want to be strong enough to not buckle under the pressure. Which means that I cannot walk away.”

“Because walking away means you’ve admitted defeat,” Kat finishes for me.

I hold her gaze, which is full of the kindness I’ve been so starved for. I wish I could bottle up her goodness and hold it inside me like a light when the night comes to devour me.

Her hand lands on my knee. The warmth of that touch travels all the way to my marrow. She gives a gentle squeeze. I swallow hard.

She withdraws her hand, and we do not speak the rest of the drive home.

Chapter 47

Kat

“Whenisyournextraid?” Mary asks in a whisper as she works a sweet-smelling herbal hair growth serum into my scalp before bed. Rahk has been out all evening—doing what, I have no idea—and so we aren’t at risk of being overheard. I have not stopped thinking about the conversation we had earlier. I had not realized how much I wanted him to say,“Nothing takes me back to Nothril. I would rather stay here with you.”But I have always known he would go back. Now I understand why.

I never expected him to mention the Ivy Mask. My memory flashes back to the tentacled monster, when he told me he needed my help to save his sister. The pitiful part of me wanted then to shout,“I’m the Ivy Mask! I thought you wanted to destroy me—but you really just want my help? Of course I will help your sister!”

But no matter how deeply I long to fully trust Rahk, the stronger, more determined side of me demands reason. I can still help his sister—but he can never know who I am. If he has not already received orders to kill me, then that will change the moment I rescue his sister, and he will know who I am and how to find me.

I pick hair out of the brush she was just using. “It’s the day after the ball. I’m going to the Star City this time. Then it’s only a week before the big Nothril raid.”

Mary inhales slowly.

I lower my gaze to my lap. “I know I’m going to have to stop.”

“You’ve done so much for those people, Kat.”

“I know,” I groan, flopping back on the bed when she is finished with my hair. “But it’s never enough. There’s so many more to be helped.”

“You don’t have to help themall.”

“How can I stop at some? How can I walk away from it? Mary, I’ve known for some time that it can’t go on forever—but I just cannot imagine trying to live with myself knowing that there are people out there. Suffering. Parted from their families. Wishing to be free.”

She pulls a face. “But ultimately,youaren’t responsible for them.”

“Yes, I am!” I cry, surprising both of us with my vehemence. “I have the means to help them. So to stand by and do nothing is tantamount to imprisoning them myself.”

Mary turns fierce. “No, it isnot. And youdon’thave the means to help them anymore. Not without risking your life.”

“I’ve risked my life from the beginning, Mary.”

“Not like this.” She turns pleading, taking my hand in both of hers. “Kat, you’re all I have. You cannot count your life as cheap. Your parents would be heartbroken to see you so cavalierly—”

“Don’t bring them into this.”

She smacks the back of my head with the soft side of the brush. “They’re the reason you’re doing this. They’re at the core of this. I cannot bring them into it any more than you have. You know I will help you in any way I can. You know I love you like my own sister. And as a sister, I am afraid for you. I’m afraid the work you do will never be enough—and that you will sacrifice your life needlessly. I just . . . I just want you to be at peace, Kat.”

My shoulders collapse. I haven’t the will to fight her anymore.

She seems to be trying to find the right thing to say as she changes the subject. “Lord Rahk is very kind to you.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” I say, sagging even further.

She regards me with concern. “I know you’re being careful.”

A growling sigh escapes me. “I’m trying!”

The unmistakable sound of the front door opening and closing, followed by booted footsteps, announces Rahk’s arrival. Mary and I share a quick look. I fear what might be visible on my face.

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