Page 605 of Cold Case, Warm Hearts

She lapsed into silence. After a moment, Stella spoke. “Of what? Dying?”

Sydney mulled over the question. “No, I’m not afraid of death,” she finally said. “It’s not like I have a death-wish, if that’s what you mean. It’s just that there’s no dishonor in death. Right after Dad was killed I wanted to die. I knew that every breath I took toward recovery led me further from him and Mom.”

Stella cocked her head. “Do you mean to tell me that you don’t fear death at all? I’ve lived all these years, and the thought of it still gives me the jitters.”

“I guess I’m a little afraid of dying,” Sydney admitted with a shrug.

Stella nodded. “It’s always good to have a healthy respect for death.” She studied Sydney. “There’s no dishonor in living, either. Avery and Susan want you to be happy.”

Sydney’s hand flew up to brush aside the comment. “Oh, I know that. That’s not what I’m trying to say.” She tried to find a way to give voice to her fears. Some fears loomed so large that it was impossible to put them into words. At times the guilt was almost unbearable. Avery had asked her to check the bilge of the boat for gasoline fumes. Was she not careful enough? Why didn’t she smell the fumes? If foul play wasn’t involved, then it could mean only one thing. The accident was her fault. “Dad always said that the finest steel comes from the hottest fire.”

A smile curved Stella’s mouth. “I remember.”

Sydney looked at her grandmother and wondered if she’d spoken too much. Stella’s face was impossible to read. The ticking of the clock on the wall grew louder. The silence stretched like a rubber band between them.

Sydney swallowed in an attempt to moisten her dry throat. “I’m just afraid I might not measure up. When my time comes, and I’m put in the fire, I hope I can prove myself and not crumble like rust under the pressure. Or even worse, what if my time has already come and gone? What if I’ve already failed and don’t even have sense enough to know it?”

Stella chuckled. “How like Avery you are—always questioning everything. Let me ask you this. If you were so afraid of facing the fire, why did you come back?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have. Believe me, I thought about just turning my back and walking away. Judith was very wealthy. She left everything to me. I never have to want for anything again.”

Stella smiled wisely. “No, you did the right thing. You wouldn’t have been able to escape the truth any more than Judith could.”

Sydney looked at Stella. “Oh? What truth was that?”

“That the most important things in life can’t be bought with money.”

Stella’s comment cut right to the heart of the matter, and Sydney laughed despite herself. “You sound just like Dad.”

“Sometimes you have to go back a few steps before you can move forward.”

The words sank into Sydney’s mind; she filed them away to ponder later.

Stella put her arm around Sydney. “You did the right thing by coming back. Just trust your heart and have a little faith. You’ll see. That’ll be enough.”

Rain was peltinglike bullets when Sydney left Stella’s door and bolted to her jeep. Stella tried to convince her to spend thenight, but she declined the offer. She’d only planned on spending an hour at Stella’s house but had stayed three. Her intent was to avoid the very thing she was getting ready to do—drive down the dark mountain in the rain.

The curvy country roads leading from her grandmother’s house to the main road were deserted, and she had the eerie impression of being the only person in the world. She inched her way to the main road.

She turned her windshield wipers up a notch and strained to see in the darkness. Her conversation with Stella was playing over and over in her mind, leaving her emotionally drained. It was when she turned on the main road that she noticed the headlights behind her. She remembered the game she played as a child when she rode in the backseat. She would look behind her and pretend the headlights were following. The warning Stella gave left her with the jitters. She repeated the same phrase she’d used earlier. “Sydney, please be careful. Just remember what the good book says, ‘It rains on the just and the unjust.”

Sydney’s porchlight radiated like a lighthouse. She grabbed her umbrella and ran to the door. She was just about to put the key in the lock when she stopped. Something wasn’t right. Her heart lurched when she pushed on the door and it opened. Her panic returned with a vengeance. She glanced back at the deserted street and dark houses. She looked at the door, not sure what to do. Surely she’d not left it unlocked. Was she losing her mind?

She stepped over the threshold and looked inside. Everything appeared normal from what she could tell. She flipped on the lights in the living room and locked the front door. Then sheclosed all the blinds. Her first thought was for the journal. She went to the secretary and pulled on the drawer. It was still locked, just as she’d left it. Next, she went methodically through the house, flipping on lights. She paused at the bottom of the steps, looking up at the dark stairway. She’d have to check the bedrooms too. She could hear every creak up the stairs on her way up. She reached her hand in first and flipped on the light. Her pulse slowed down a notch when she saw the room was clear. She went next to the other bedroom and then backtracked, checking in the closets and even under her bed, just to be sure.

The train whistle sounded, making her flinch. She headed downstairs and caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror. She scowled at her pale reflection. If only Ginger could see her now. She was afraid of her own shadow.

A red light was blinking on her answering machine, and she walked over and pressed the button. Ginger’s cheery voice came over the speaker, restoring a measure of reality.

Not waiting for Ginger’s message to end, Sydney picked up the phone and dialed her number.

“Hello? Gin? It’s me.”

“Where’ve you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”

The mere sound of Ginger’s voice did more to comfort her than any spoken reassurance could. She flipped off her shoes and collapsed on the sofa. “I went to visit my grandmother.”

Ginger was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure that was a good idea?

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