Page 40 of Cross My Heart

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Of my entire life.

Noah hasn’t looked at me once for the last thirty minutes, too busy making small talk with Amy, but I see it plain as day. The devastation is etched into his every feature, and if he’s not careful, other people will notice it too.

Why the hell did he let me go through with it?

Why didn’t he stop me?

Why didn’t I stopmyself?

My hand squeezes his thigh under the table, and he tenses but doesn’t look at me. Doesn’t even stop talking. So I squeeze tighter. This time, he stumbles over his words and excuses himself, pushing away from the table and walking away quickly. I do the same, chasing after him. He’s quick, walking toward the parking lot, and I swallow hard when he makes it to his car.

“W-what are you doing?” I ask him, my voice laced with a fear I’ve never felt before. Fear of losing him for good. Because something tells me if he walks away from me right now everything will be different. “Where are you going?”

“Leaving, Tyler,” he huffs, opening the car door. I run up to him and shut it, caging him against the side of the car. “Get off.”

“No,” I growl, pressing closer. Our foreheads are touching, and we’re sharing breath. But it’s not enough. It will never be enough again. “You can’t leave me. It’s my wedding day.”

“Do you fucking hear yourself?” Noah laughs, but it holds no humor. Instead, he grabs my face roughly with both hands and forces me to make eye contact. “You just got married.”

“We’re going to make it through this, Noah,” I whisper. “We can make it through anything?—”

“We won’t.” His hands tighten on my face until it feels like he’s going to crush my jaw. His eyes well up with tears, and one trails down his cheek. “You just married someone who—” He clears his throat, his voice cracking. “—who isn'tme.”

“I made a mistake,” I cry out as he begins to pull away, and push him harder against the vehicle. I close the remaining space between us, and this time it’s me who cups his jaw with both hands. I roll my forehead over his as he hisses and tears trail freely down his cheeks. I’ve never seen him this way—and I did this to him. To us. Ibrokeus. “I’ll—I’ll fix it.”

“You can’t,” Noah says softly, sky-blue eyes looking into mine, and he looks so convinced. Like this is our truth. As if there’s nothing I can do to make this better. “It’s time I move on.”

“You can’t.” I shake my head vehemently. “You can’t move on, Noah.”

“Go inside,” he spits, “Be with your beautiful wife and have your beautiful babies.”

“Shut. Up,” I growl. “I don’t want any of those things with her.” And yet I did it, I married her. Maybe I’ve just been scared to be alone all along. Because what if I chose him and Noah died? What if we got married and he left me behind? I’d have nothing. No one. I’m a selfish fucking asshole.

But he’s quiet now.

“I want you,” I sob, my shoulders shaking. “I want all of you, always. I want to wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms?—”

“It’s too late for that.” He shakes his head. “This isn’t fair.”

“I—I’ll leave her,” I blurt out, and his eyes widen. “Wait for me. I’ll leave her.”

“Fuck you,” he growls. “You’re nothing but a fucking liar.”

“Please, Noah,” I beg him, sliding down to my knees and looking up at him from the ground. But he just shakes his head. “I swear I’ll leave her.” My head spins because right now the fear of him leaving me forever is stronger than my fear of being alone forever. Because at least I’d have him, even if it’s for a short while. I can’t fathom never having him again.

“What’s done is done, Ty,” he says softly, extracting himself from my hold and opening his door. “You made your choice.”

Sobs shake my body, and Noah looks at me with concern but doesn’t come closer. He gets in the car and lowers the window. But instead of saying goodbye, he just whispers.

“You choseher.”

And those words echo.

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