Page 37 of Cross My Heart

He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your apologies,” I snap. “I just wantyou.”

“You’ll get over it, Ty.” He grabs my hand and squeezes. “You’ll be happy with her and forget all about me.”

“I doubt that.”

“You’re engaged, for fuck’s sake!” Noah exclaims.

But the problem is that I will never get over it—him. What I feel for Noah transcends everything. I don’t want to give him up. I won’t.

“Scarlett doesn’t deserve it,” he whispers. “As much as I hate to admit it, she’s a good woman. I don’t want us to hurt her.”

I nod because he’s not wrong. Where did we go wrong? How the hell did we get here? How did we become liars and cheaters?

The shame I feel is all-consuming. Yet so is my love for him.

He is mine. No matter what he says, he is mine.MyNoah. And I am his. I will always be his.

No one else’s.

“This has to be it, Tyler,” Noah says, and my chest tightens at his words. How do we come back from this? I can’t live without him. I don’t want to. “I’m giving you the life you deserve. You need to come to terms with that.”

“What I deserve is you!” I snap. “I deserve to have you by my side for the rest of my life.”

“And I’ll be right here, Ty.” Noah’s eyes focus on mine, and I see the pain in them. I want to take it away. I want us to be okay. I need us to be okay. “Just not in the way that you’re asking of me. We have to think about Scarlett. You’re engaged. You’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with her. You’re supposed to love her. She deserves to be loved.”

“I know she does,” I sigh, running a hand down my face. “She deserves better than me, though. Why can’t you see that?”

He shakes his head. “Just love her, Ty. One day you’ll wake up and realize you made the right choice. When you have your three kids and your dog and your white picket fence, you’ll know leaving me behind was the right choice for you.”

The knot in my throat grows, and I can’t reply. I’m physically unable to. I can’t even tell him he’s wrong. I just let the tears flow down my cheeks, and he pulls me into his side, comforting me. I want him to let me go, but I’m not strong enough to ask for it. Because if this is going to be the last time, I want him to hold me tighter. Longer.

I want to memorize this moment and never let it go.

Chapter 19

NOAH

25 YEARS OLD

I’d say I’ve had a lot of bad days in my life. I’ve been to war multiple times, after all. I’ve seen people die. I’ve seen poverty. I’ve been on the receiving end of indirect and direct fire. But this? It tops everything else. Seeing Tyler in a suit, about to marry Scarlett, is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m absolutely gutted, to say the least. And I don’t want to do this—be his best man—but when your best friend asks you to stand beside him on the most important day of his life, you don’t say no. It just sucks that this is also the worst day ofmylife.

I’ve been in love with Tyler for as long as I can remember. I might even say it was love at first sight. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew. I knew that I wanted him to be mine. Over everything else, Tyler Levi Hayes has been my dream. But some dreams are shattered before they can come to fruition, and that’s exactly what’s happening right now. I guess I should just be grateful I held him in my arms for a short while, rather than not at all. That I know what he feels like, what he tastes like. That I know what it feels like to be loved by him. I can confidently say no one else will ever compare to him, and that pisses me off more than anything. Because how the hell do I get over him with that knowledge?

The truth is, I don’t know if I want to get over him. I know it’s hard to let him go—that I’m not willing to do it. But the harsh reality is that I have to because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to move on with my life. And he’s clearly moved on with his. So now, as I stand face to face with him, fixing his boutonniere, I ignore the sad look in his eyes. The look that tells me he’s heartbroken. Betrayed. Gutted. All because I couldn’t say yes to him and give us a chance. So why then, is he marrying her? If I mean so much to him, why is he doing it? And if he means so much to me, why am I letting him?

Goddamnit.

I don’t have the answers to any of this.

I want to tell him not to do this, to not give up on us, but that’s selfish. I already rejected him and told him I didn’t want to give this a shot. So it would be unfair of me to turn around and demand he cancel this wedding.

Tyler and I make eye contact, his clear-blue eyes dilating, black swallowing them whole. His bottom lip quivers, and he traps it between his teeth. I hate seeing him so sad, and I wonder if my face reflects his. Do I look as distraught as I feel?

“Noah, please,” Tyler whispers, and I tense. “Tell me to stop living this lie. If you asked me, I’d drop her in a heartbeat. I’d go with you.”

My heart begins to pound in my ears, and I drop my hands from his boutonniere. They shake at my sides, becoming sweaty, and I take a deep breath to try to stop the hurricane of feelings taking place inside my chest. The problem is? You’d have to stop my heart just to stop the feelings I have for him.

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