Page 31 of Cross My Heart

My love.

My heartbreak.

Somehow, I ended up facing him, and now as the light spills in through the blinds, I stare openly. His dark brown curls are messy, looking like someone ran their fingers through them. His slender nostrils slightly flare with his soft snores, and his deep cupid’s bow taunts me as I stare at his perfectly symmetrical lips. Everything about him is perfect. Everything about him destroys me in more ways than one. I know I should stop pining after my taken best friend, but it’s a little hard to do that when I know he feels something too.

Tyler’s crystalline blue eyes flutter open slowly, and he looks around, clearly confused. Until his eyes land on me, and he frowns. My eyes fill with tears once more, and I curse under my breath. Of course they won’t stop coming, I’ve tried. I figured there had to be a quota of tears before they dried up, but that’s clearly not the case, or I haven’t reached it.

“Noah—” Tyler whispers. “Baby…”

“Oh, fuck,” I groan, my chest suddenly tight. “I want—I need?—”

“You needme,” he says softly, getting closer. He pulls me into him until my face is buried in his neck, in the spot where I used to fall asleep when we had sleepovers when we were younger. Back when it wasn’t weird or frowned upon. Or confusing for him. “And I’m here.”

“I’m such a fool for you,” I sob. “I miss you every minute of every day.”

A beat of silence.

Tyler tightens his arm around me. “I miss you too.”

“Look into my eyes, then,” I tell him, and he pulls back and gazes at me. He traps his bottom lip between his teeth, but it trembles anyway. “Tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll walk away.”

He shakes his head, a tear spilling over.

“Tell me you’re not in love with me,” I repeat.

“I—can’t.” He shakes his head again, more tears spilling over. “I can't lie to you.”

“Why haven’t you walked away from her?” I ask him desperately. “Why won’t you pick me?”

“I’m scared,” he snaps. “If I leave her now, we’ll ruin our friendship with her.”

“So when?” I ask through gritted teeth. “Or do youeverplan on leaving her?”

“I don’t know!” he whisper-yells. “I don’tknow.”

“Tell me you love me.” Tyler shakes his head at my words. “Be selfish, Tyler. Tell me how you really feel.”

“You want me to be selfish, Noah?” He narrows his eyes, grabbing the back of my head and pressing our foreheads together. He rolls his forehead over mine, closing his eyes as if he’s in pain. But I don’t dare close mine. I want to see the pain etched into his every feature. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this man, and I need to remember that there’s not one thing he would do for me in return. I need to remember that when the next moment of weakness comes. And yet I know I’ll be powerless to stop it because even if it’s only scraps I’ll be getting from Tyler, I’ll be hoarding every single fucking morsel. “You want me to tell you how I feel?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t breathe when I’m around you.” His lips move against mine as he speaks, and my spine tingles at the contact. “I feel this fucking uncontrollable need for you, and it takes everything inside of me to hold myself back. To keep myself from fucking up my life. It’s takingeverythinginside of me to not leave my life behind and throw myself at you—because there’s nothing that I want more than to be in your arms. There’s nothing I want more than to live right here.” He touches my chest, right over my heart. “And I know you’ve got so much fucking love to give me, and I’m weak, Noah. I want you—and I’mweak. I can’t stop myself when you’re here with me, and I don’t want to. I know it’s wrong, I know?—”

“Ty.” My voice breaks.

“No.” Tyler shakes his head, “Let me speak.” I nod, and he continues. “I don’t want to be with Scarlett anymore.” My eyes widen but his are still closed. And his lips still brush against mine with every word. My stomach is tight with want, with need, and I have to breathe in through my nose to keep myself from kissing him. “But I know if I leave her—if I did that—we would lose her.”

“So, what?” I scoff, trying to push him away. His grip tightens on the back of my head, and I whimper. At this, he opens his eyes. “You just want to live a lie?”

“With you, I would.” He nods once. “With you, I’d live a lie forever if that’s what it took.”

“What are you saying?”

“Be with me,” he says, and my heart stops. “Bewith me. Bemine.”

“You want to cheat on her?” I frown.

“I already have, Noah,” he sighs against my lips.

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