Page 22 of Cross My Heart

“It’s fine,” I sigh. “It’s cool. Guess that was stupid of me to expect something else.”

“I have feelings for you too,” he blurts out, and I tense. “But I can’t pick right now. I can’t just ruin our friendship with Scarlett. Not when you’re leaving me behind.”

“I asked you to come.”

“And you know I can’t.” His voice cracks, and so does my heart.

“Can’t?” I question. “Or won’t?”

“I won’t,” he affirms. “I have a life here.”

“Figures,” I scoff. “Ty, you’ve known this was always gonna happen. You can’t expect me to change my mind.”

“And you can’t expect me to change mine.”

Just like that he gets up from the bed and leaves the room, leaving me in my bed with cum-soaked shorts. I don’t know where he’s going, and I’m honestly afraid to go after him. I’m scared he’s going to hurt me more. Which is why I stay in my room, contemplating my life choices. I should’ve never said anything to him. Should’ve never admitted my feelings for him out loud—not that he didn’t already know about them. But now they’re out in the open.

Yet I wouldn’t take back those kisses for anything in the world.

Chapter 12

TYLER

21 YEARS OLD

Noah was gone for six months.

Six months of training to be done with the first couple of schools for his new job. Training has been intense, but he says it’s nothing in comparison to what he’ll have to complete in order to join the Regiment. Ranger School and RASP being at the forefront. If he’s lucky, he’ll have another six months to go before he’s in the unit he desires. And he’s doing well—just as I knew he would. So why does that make me sad instead of happy for him?

I can’t lie, there’s a part of me that wishes for his failure every day. It’s fucked up, but I can’t help it. Because said failure would push him right back into my arms, even if they’re already full with Scarlett. I’m selfish, clearly, a fucking asshole for even thinking that. But the thought of him being back home for good is too strong to ignore. And also unrealistic. I know no matter what happens, he’ll never stay in Peachtree City. But now he’s here, and my stomach doesn’t know how to behave.

For the entirety of the time he was gone, I ignored the situation as long as I could. I smiled every day. I acted normal. I even joked around. But right before my head hit my pillow at night, I couldn’t pretend anymore. I turned my face into the soft fabric of the pillowcase and sobbed until it hurt. Sobbed over my mistakes. Sobbed for my doubts. For the cracks in my love for Scarlett. My weakness for Noah. I sobbed for the failure I felt I was. For the boy who had stars in his eyes for a world Noah had created for me with his bare hands, and yet that world couldn’t be further from my grasp. I sobbed for everything I was and everything I wasn’t. And in the end, I just sobbed because it was all I had left to do.

What a fucking joke I am.

Not having him was painful. I’ll admit it. But having him back now? In the flesh? Watching as he grins at me from a distance as he gets out of his Mustang and then walks toward me completely unaffected by my presence? Well it’s devastating. It feels like I’m being gutted from the inside out, my intestines scooped out of my body. It’s uncomfortable. Excruciating, even. And I want it to end.

The problem with those feelings is that they’re always conflicted. At the moment, I wish for him to be gone. I wish it more than anything, with so much ferocity that I even believe it will happen from sheer might. But when he finally,finallyleaves, I mourn the loss of him. It feels as if my insides have been put through a blender, and all that’s left of me is an empty chest cavity ready to be filled with all things Scarlett. Even that’s not enough. It never is.

Because once it’s over, I want to scrap the feelings. Take them back. Wishhimback. I want to go back to the moment he smiled at me and treasure it forever. I want to keep the memory tucked under my rib cage, next to my bruised and confused heart. And then I want to do it over and over. Make more memories to torture myself with later.

But he’s fleeting.

Adrift.

Gone before I can blink.

And no matter what I do, I can’t seem to bring him back to me. I can’t seem to keep him from sifting through my fingers. My tightening grasp is futile. And so, I bear the pain with a smile of my own. But I look tortured—because I am. And when I look into his eyes, Scarlett sees my pain too. She doesn’t acknowledge it though. Instead, she looks away from the truth. Because she’sscaredto face it. We all are. The truth doesn’t always free you.

Sometimes it shackles you.

Today is Scarlett’s twenty-first birthday, and Noah is only going to be here for ten days. He planned his vacation days perfectly to be here for this—forher. And an irrational part of me wonders if this is how it will always be from now on. He’ll show up for her, but not for me anymore. Because showing up for me in any capacity now would be like screaming “I love you”into the void. And I wonder how I should feel. Should I be grateful? Outraged? Sad? Scared?

I can’t say I blame him though. It’s probably not easy to hide things from Scarlett anymore. I’d say it’s downright impossible. A small part of me believes she’s all-knowing. That she’s aware of every detail of Noah’s and I’s relationship—down to the shared moans on his bed six months ago. Then part of me knows how irrational that sounds, and it makes me roll my eyes. There’s no way sheknows. No way she could know. It’s not as if she was there for it. But something tells me that we’re not as discreet with our feelings as we should be. And that at the very least, she knows we feel something for each other.

I don’t want to think about it though.

Not today.

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