Page 83 of Cross My Heart

“Spill, bro.”

“There’s not much to it.” I shrug with a grin, feeling my cheeks heat up at the memory. “He walked in on me and Christian messing around and stayed to watch. Then he ran away, and I had to go after him.”

“Holy shit.”

“He never explained why he stayed.” I smirk. “But I knew deep down he was jealous of Christian; he just didn’t want to admit it. I don’t know why.”

“Maybe because he didn’t think he was gay?”

“I’d say he’s bisexual,” I reply, thinking hard about that night. “And I think maybe that scared him a bit. Paired with the fact that he was pissed off at me for calling the guy baby, it’s safe to say maybe he was having a crisis.”

“That makes sense.” He chuckles. “Be honest. Did anything ever happen between y’all?”

I swallow hard, leaning over to grab another beer from the cooler. I open the can and take a long gulp. “Yeah.”

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

“I mean, what do you want me to say?” I sigh. “He cheated on Scarlett over the years. It was wrong of us.”

“Are you ashamed?”

“Yes.” I nod. “But I took him in the only way I could.”

“Why do you think it took him this long to break things off with her?”

That’s a fair question, though totally my fault. I can’t blame Tyler when I got cold feet repeatedly. “I told him not to.”

“Youwhat?” he gasps. “Why would you do that?”

“I wanted him to have a real life.” I shrug, taking another sip of my beer. “And I was scared he would change his mind about us. I don’t think I could’ve recovered from that heartbreak.”

“That makes sense.” He nods, leaning back in his chair. He scratches his short beard, looking up at the stars. “So what changed?”

“He didn’t take no for an answer anymore.”

“Oh, fuck.” He laughs. “It’s about damn time.”

“He said he promised he’d leave Scarlett, and he’s actually doing it. Who am I to argue with that? If he says he wants me, I’m not going to refuse him. I’ve been waiting for this moment for sixteen years.”

“Fucking hell, Noah.” I look up at the night sky too now as he speaks. “That’s a long time to love someone and not be reciprocated.”

“But you see…” I smile sadly. “He reciprocated it all along, and I knew that deep down. He kept coming back over and over, no matter what happened with Scarlett. I should’ve been brave. I should’ve put myself out of my misery and begged him to leave her. I don’t know why I was trying to be a good person for her. It didn’t matter back then when he was under me.”

“Did you fuck him?”

“No.” I shake my head. “I think that’s the one line we silently agreed we wouldn’t cross while he was still with her.”

I look over at River, and he’s staring at me with one raised brow. “And all the other shit didn’t qualify as cheating?”

“It did.” I laugh, but deep down I feel guilt gnawing at my insides. “But fucking would’ve made it even worse. And she knew about his cheating, she just chose to look past it. She saw us. She told me, and when they got married, she was smug as fuck about it. Like she won.”

“Wow.” He breathes. “Have you apologized to her? I think you need to.”

I’m silent, then say, “I know.”

The joke has been on me the entire time though. Longing for someone I couldn’t have. And now that I can finally have him, it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I just need to get out of my head and love him. It shouldn’t be that hard.

Loving him has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

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