Page 50 of Cross My Heart

Iinhale deeply, trying to memorize Noah’s scent, since I’ll be without it for the next nine months. I don’t want him to leave. I have a bad feeling about this deployment, but neither one of us has a choice. The last thing I want is to make him feel insecure while he’s out there fighting for our country. It’s just hard watching him go over and over again. What I didn’t anticipate is how much harder it would be to actually see him off. In all the years he’s been in the Army, not once have I come with him to say goodbye. Maybe that makes me a bad friend—it probably does—but it’s too painful. I don’t exactly know what compelled me to come this time, but I couldn’t let him go without having one more night with him.

We spent the night out on the Riverwalk in downtown Columbus, eating good pizza and then hitting up a bar or two. By the time we made it back to the hotel, we were both past tipsy. If it weren’t for his self-control, I would’ve let him fuck me into the bed. But he remembered my hard limit—no sex until I leave Scarlett. Not that what I’m doing with him is any better, but for some reason having his dick in my ass would make the betrayal worse. I just know it. Scarlett would never forgive that, and while I know our friendship will probably be over the moment I leave her, I don’t want her to hate me. Not more than I already hate myself for what I’m doing to her.

Even as I hate myself though, I can’t help but notice that it feels right. Everything feels right with Noah by my side, and that’s dangerous. He clouds my judgment, and I do things with him that I never imagined I’d do. Like cheating on one of the most important people in my life. I know I should’ve left her regardless of Noah. Him saying no to being together shouldn’t have pushed me deeper into her arms, but for some reason it did. Maybe I’m weak and didn’t want to feel lonely, or maybe I’m just making excuses.

Yesterday, I left without saying goodbye to Scarlett. Like a coward, I waited until she was on her way to work to let her know that I was seeing Noah off. She probably thought I was at the bar all day, which makes me feel guilty, but I couldn’t let him go alone again. His parents are dead, and he has no other family. It has to be so lonely to deploy time and time again with no one to care about how it goes. About how you feel. And I just couldn’t let him go through it again. So, I left without a word, and when I called her to let her know, there was a long moment of silence on her end of the line. At that moment, she knew what was going to happen. Her voice cracked when she said okay, and then she hung up. No other words were spoken, and I pretended like the whole interaction didn’t give me anxiety. I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it though. I’m sure once I go home, it’ll be the fight of the goddamn century.

Can I really blame her though? Why are we pretending everything is fine? Why are we dancing around the fact that this marriage is a ticking time bomb? It always has been, and it’s all because of me. I’m just waiting for it to detonate, and I know that once it does, it will decimate me. My life as I know it will be over. But for Noah? I’d do it over and over again—lifelong relationships be damned. And that’s scarier than anything I’ve ever experienced. To love someone so deeply, to want them so viscerally that nothing else matters is terrifying. All I can hope for is that he feels the same and that he doesn’t reject me this time around. I don’t know if I’d survive that again.

But now as I lie in this bed with Noah as the little spoon, all my worries are gone. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and inhale deeply, trying to commit his scent to memory once more. Feeling him stir, I tighten my hold on him, my arm around his waist pulling him impossibly closer. We’re skin to skin, no space between us, and nothing has ever felt more right. I let go of his waist to trail my hand down his abdomen, then to wrap around his hip. I squeeze gently, and he groans. I can’t even begin to describe the way he makes me feel when he makes those sounds, but butterflies invade my stomach every single time.

“Are you feeling some type of way right now, Ty?” Noah’s voice is gravelly with sleep, and it makes my cock twitch against his ass. He chuckles, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“You should know by now that I can’t keep my hands to myself when it comes to you,” I whisper against his ear, then bite the lobe.

“Then don’t,” he replies, “Touch me. I want you to touch me everywhere so I can remember this when I’m feeling lonely.”

I feel a pang in my chest at those words, and I hate that I know he’s sad. I could say a million things to try to comfort him, but I know it’s not going to work either way. The only way to show him I care is by doing what he’s asking for. So I flip him onto his back, watching his cock drip against his abs, and straddle his hips. I swipe my fingers over the head of his cock, gathering the pre-cum, and bring them to my lips. The taste of him on my tongue makes me moan, and Noah smirks.

“You like that, Ty?” he groans. “Look how wet you make me.”

“Fuck,” I groan, grabbing both of our cocks in a tight grip and beginning to tug on them.

I jerk our cocks leisurely, like we have all the time in the world, when in fact we should be in a hurry right now. Nothing matters but this—being together in this little bubble of love and lust. And I never want it to pop.

Noah moans underneath me, the sound vibrating all the way to my balls, and I groan, speeding my hand up. I rock my hips into my hand, and Noah begins to top from the bottom. The grunts and groans coming from both of us are a symphony of desire, and I never want it to end. But soon enough, I feel the telltale sign of my impending orgasm. My spine begins to tingle, and my balls draw up, and I know I’m close.

“Noah, baby,” I moan. “I’m so close. Come with me. Please.”

“I’m right there,” he moans too. “Like that, don’t stop.”

“Come now,” I demand. “Together.”

And just like that both of us erupt at the same time, our cum mixing together on his abs and chest. It’s filthy and wild and hot, and I want to do it again. Noah drops his head back onto the pillow and sighs, and I let go of both of us. But just before I’m about to get off his lap, he holds me in place.

“Taste what you do to me, Ty,” he says softly, and I smirk. “What you did to both of us.”

Leaning down, I lick a path of cum off his abs, then bring my lips to his. He moans at the taste of us, and my stomach somersaults. I know I’ll never get tired of this, which is why I know I have to tell him I’m leaving her, and I can’t wait one more minute.

“Noah.” I look into his eyes as I pull away, bracing myself on either side of him. He frowns at the tone of my voice. “I want to leave Scarlett.Pleasedon’t say no this time. I can’t keep doing this—going behind her back when all I want to do is be with you.”

Surprisingly, he nods. “So what are you going to do?”

I sigh. “I’ll hire a lawyer and go from there. I have to figure out the bar and the profits and then sell the house. It won’t be easy, but I’d do it a hundred times over for us.” And I really mean that. I’d do anything for this man.

“So do it.”

“Yeah?” I frown. “You won’t back out this time?”

Noah sighs, “I’ve always wanted you, Ty.” He runs a hand down his face in what I know is frustration. “I just wasn’t sureyouactually wantedme. That it wasn’t just a spur of the moment infatuation or just plain confusion. I wouldn’t be able to handle the heartbreak that would come with losing you. I can’t do it.”

“Baby, I’m not confused,” I assure him. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

“I love you, Tyler,” Noah whispers, and I can see he’s being vulnerable right now. “You’re everything to me. Please don’t hurt me. If you say you’re going to do something…do it.”

“Please don’t doubt me.” I brush my knuckles over his cheek. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“Okay.”

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