Page 33 of Protecting Tiffani

“Levi…” I reach out to him.

“I can’t do this right now,” he says, turning to leave, but his uncle is blocking the exit.

“You can and you will. Running from this won’t solve anything, son,” he insists.

“I’m not your fucking son,” Levi spits out. Pushing past him, we all watch as he runs down the stairs, knocking Adam over. The door slams so hard that the windows up here rattle

Chapter nineteen

Levi

It’sbeentwoweekssince all our soul crushing secrets were laid bare for everyone to know. Finding out I would have had a son or daughter running around crushed me. I couldn’t stand being in that apartment with her anymore. I didn’t stick around to hear if Uncle Sonny knew anything about what her twisted father hinted at. I started to scare myself with how violent my urges were becoming. I wanted to throw everything I could get my hands on. Punch everyone in there staring at me while my world was crumbling down. Not her though. I would never harm my Cupcake.

I stole Parker’s truck that day, stopped at a gas station to fill the tank up, bought way too much whiskey, and drove until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I’ve been holed up in some run-down motel in Nashville, Tennessee. The room stinks of stale fast food, body odor, and the copious amounts of alcohol I’ve poured down my throat. My phone died the first night I was here, but I don’t fucking care. I’m pissed at everyone, but especially her. How could she find out she was pregnant and not tell me? I had a right to know and be there with her, but she took that away from me.

The alcohol works on dulling my senses and makes the hurt of Tiffani’s betrayal not so bad. Still, it does nothing to stop my mind from conjuring up images that tear me up. Causing me to tip the bottle up even more, in hopes that it all stops. Tiffani’s round pregnant belly, a perfect toddler with her eyes one time then mine the next, the image of a child laying on a sterile table screaming for my help only for my feet to be stuck to the floor, not allowing me to get to them in time. Over and over, the thought that it’s all my fault torments me, then switches to blaming everything on her.

The one person that I want to talk about everything with isn’t here anymore; Dad. He always had the solution to any situation I found myself in. I crave his guidance, strength, and wise words more than anything right now. Some people who lost loved ones talk to them like they are still here. I tried it the second night I was here but felt stupid sitting in this bug-infested room talking out loud. He isn’t here anymore. He can’t answer my questions or even hear them, for fucks sake, so what’s the point? Sticking the key into the door, I turn the handle, having to push a little because it gets stuck on the trash littering the floor. After kicking empty bottles out of my way, I sit on the bed with the paper sack full of more whiskey. Pulling a bottle out, I crack the top and take a huge gulp. The burn causes my eyes to water, but it feels better than crying over everything else. I don’t stop until I pass out and the half-empty bottle falls from my hand.

“Levi.” I peel my eyes open even though they feel heavy. Pulling my hands up to rub at my eyes, dirt falls into them, making them burn.

“What the fuck?” How is there dirt on my hands? Dusting the dirt off my palms, I rub my eyes once again, blinking to make my vision not so blurry and get the dirt out of them. I’m no longer in my hotel room. Instead, I’m lying outside. Pushing up off the ground, I take in my new surroundings. Wait, how is this possible? I’m standing in the graveyard where my dad’s buried. But that’s four hours away from me. The cemetery is covered in a low hanging fog, making the situation feel even eerier. My skin prickles with the feeling of eyes on me. My eyes search for the owner, but I can’t see too far due to the fog.

“Levi,” someone calls my name, but the voice sounds muffled and far away. The hair on the back of my neck stands up. I don’t know how I got here, but home is just down the hill. I should race out of here, back home, where I can protect myself, but my body is frozen.

“Who’s there?” I call out. The fog starts to clear to my left, and a stream of light begins to shine, growing more prominent as a shadow steps in front of it. My body unfreezes instantly, like ice thrown in a pot of boiling water. My feet are unstable on the dewy grass, but I manage to get a few feet away before the shadow speaks for a third time. Recognition chills my blood quicker than fear ever has.

“Son, don’t run from me,” my dad’s voice comes from behind me. Slowly I turn around to see my dead dad standing in front of his gravestone, giving me a look he used to when I would do something wrong. How is this fucking possible? Am I dead? That has to be it. I’m not really here; instead, I’m dying in the hotel room. I fucking drank myself to death instead of facing my problems.

“You’re dead. How are you standing in front of me talking to me?”

“Who knows, son, but let’s not waste this moment. Sit with me. Talk to me.” He lowers himself to the ground like he’s twenty years younger than before he passed. Something in his left hand catches my attention. He is holding a Styrofoam cup full of steaming coffee. Adam told me he has come here multiple times and removed a few cups that had coffee in them. He was pissed thinking someone was trashing Dad’s grave.

“I’m dead, ain’t I?” I whisper into the darkness.

“No, son, you are not dead,” Dad says, patting the ground beside him.

“Then I’m going fucking insane. That has to be the reason behind this; all the pain I’ve gone through has pushed my mind over the edge, and I need to be locked up in a hospital,” I say. Rubbing my eyes again, half of me prays that he is gone when I open them again, but the other half wants this to be real. When they slowly open, he’s still sitting there, smiling at me.

“Still here, boy.” He pats the ground beside him again. Cautiously I make my way over to him. Sitting down, at first, I keep a reasonable distance between us, but then throw myself toward him. I fully expect to fall through him and hit my face on the hard stone, but I don’t. His warm arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me into an embrace. Just like I have ached for over the years I’ve been away. “I got you,” he says.

My whole body shakes with sobs as I let out all the pain, heartbreak, confusion, and helplessness I’ve kept inside. “I miss you so much, Dad. I should have been here to say goodbye to you. I shouldn’t have been halfway around the world hiding from my problems,” I cry out.

“Oh, my sweet boy. You did say goodbye to me. You just didn’t know it would be our last one at the time. Remember that hour-long phone conversation we had four days before you got the call from the red cross? You were so tired because it was late for you, but you stayed awake to talk to your old man. We talked about your classes and the promotion you were up for. You listened to me go on and on about Adam’s work. That’s what I want you to remember, not me in that bed, weak and unaware of what was happening around me.” His arms tighten around me, and I cling to him so hard that my hands start to ache, but I’m not letting go.

“I know everything now, Levi, and I couldn’t be more proud of you. You might think that your time in the service isn’t something to be proud of, but I sure do. Adam was right. You are a hero. You might see your actions as weak and cowardly, but I don’t. We are the same. I would have made the same choices you did, had I been in your shoes. You protected us all with your selfless actions.”

“It doesn’t feel like that, Dad. It feels like my decision that night started the spiral for everyone. If I had been here…”

“What, son? I wouldn’t have died? Tiffani wouldn’t have had a rough couple of years? No one knows, and playing the what if game gets you nowhere but in a pit of despair, and I don’t want that for you.” I feel the calluses on his hands as he comforts me by rubbing my back.

“You’re smarter than that, son, and you know that everything happens for a reason. I would still have died, Levi. Now, as for that sweet girl, you might have been able to keep some pain from her, but once again, that’s playing that stupid game. She isn’t as weak as you think she is, son. But right now, I want to know why you are being so stupid, drowning your sorrow in bottles instead of healing with her. She was the best thing to ever happen to you, my boy. I’ll never forget the day she showed up at the house, arms loaded down with all your sister’s books and a shy smile on her face. You took one look at her, and I knew you were a goner. You have searched your whole life for the missing piece of your heart. The one your mom took when she abandoned you, and just like Emilee and Adam, you found it in someone else’s heart. Your eyes had never been brighter before that moment.”

I remember that day so clearly. My heart skipped a beat when Tiffani’s eyes connected with mine. When she spoke, it sounded like angels singing in my ears. A rope wrapped around my heart and tethered me to her that day. Over the years, that rope has gotten longer but never broke.

“Because I don’t know what to do to help her. I feel so fucking confused by everything.” My hands unclench, letting go of his button-down shirt. Pulling back, he takes his cowboy hat off, lays it on his lap, and rubs the bald patch on the top of his head.

“Answer me one question. Do you hate her?”

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