Page 2 of Protecting Tiffani

“I can’t go home?” I whisper. My vision shifts, and I lower my head. That way, no one sees the tear streaking down my face. I have to go home. I can’t stay on the other side of the world while the man who raised me, loved me when no one else did, and made me who I am dies. Fuck that. I’ll go AWOL if that’s the case. Nothing is keeping me here.

“God, no, of course, you can go home. All I was trying to say is that you will have to use your personal days instead of getting bereavement, and you will have to buy the tickets yourself.” My mind races trying to remember how much money I have in the bank right now and how many days of vacation I have saved. I’ll drain my whole account and go into debt to get home. I have to be able to afford this.

“Yes, sir. I understand.” I stand, forgetting the protocol of waiting to be dismissed, but the world around me is spinning and falling apart. I don’t remember much of what happened next. It’s all hazy, with the image of the most important man in my life never leaving my mind.

Lost in the thoughts of the past, I wasn’t aware that the plane had made its way to the gate and the passengers had all deboarded, until a small tap on my shoulder startles me. “Sir, are you okay? Do I need to get someone?” the young stewardess standing in the small aisle with a suitcase behind her asks me with a worried look.

“No, ma’am… I mean, yes, I’m fine. Must be the jet lag,” I mumble, lifting my tired body out of the seat. She steps back, giving me enough room to step out. I head to the front of the plane, not needing to get any more bags since I hurriedly threw everything I needed in the bag on my back. I’m not planning on staying in town long. Not when the population is so small and the possibility of seeing her is huge.No, Levi, focus on what’s important. Getting to Dad and saying goodbye. I have to tell him how sorry I am for being a fucking coward.

The corridor stretching out in front of me is empty of passengers, making me question how long I sat on that plane, lost in the past. My legs tingle as the blood starts to flow through them. My footsteps echo off the walls around me, and my heartbeat accompanies the sound flooding my ears. A bead of sweat rolls down my back as it feels like the airport staff has cranked the heating up to a hundred degrees. Without looking behind me, I stop, remove my bag, and start to pull off my jacket. My body stumbles forward as someone runs into me. An outraged voice comes from behind me.

“Watch where you stop, asshole.” I step to the right to allow the individual to pass. Someone dressed like the pilot of the plane passes me.

“Douchebag,” I mummer. Once my jacket is safely tucked into my bag, I straighten up, sling it over my shoulders, and follow behind him. My instinct is to slow my pace down, so I don’t have to face my problems, but with the thought that I don’t have much time racing through my brain, I pick up my speed. By the time I get to the corridor’s corner, I’m moving at a dead run. I still have to drivehomefrom here, and it takes over two hours. Please hold on long enough for me to get there, Dad, I beg.

I couldn’t speak to anyone before I boarded my first plane. Therefore, I’m unsure who is waiting for me on the other side. Someone is there, that’s for sure; Sergeant Burns said he would alert the Red Cross, who would tell Adam that I was coming and my flight details. My chest is heaving from the run as my eyes land on the people here to welcome me home for the first time in four years. I’m not shocked when I see my sister, Emilee, and brother standing beside a security guard. They aren’t supposed to be this far into the airport, but that doesn’t seem to have stopped them. As I close the distance between us, I see their faces clearly. The once tiled floor of the airport turns to quicksand, making it impossible to take another step toward them.

Emilee’s face confirms that my worst fear is now my reality. “No,” I whisper as my bag slips from my shoulders, and my whole body tremors with guilt and sadness. Her face is streaked with tears as she tries and fails to dab them away. I see her hands shaking each time they move to her face. I move to Adam’s face, my gaze pleading with him to tell me that my assumption isn’t true. There is no fucking way that I’m too late. This isn’t fucking happening, not like this. He gives me a slight shake of his head. The room spins, all the sound fades away, and my heart stops beating. He’s gone. I failed him once again. I didn’t make it in time.

As the room starts to swim, I bow my head as I fight to keep the tears in. I have always hated to show any kind of weakness. How am I going to get through this? I fought so hard to get here in time. Did I waste time packing? Or searching multiple websites for a flight? What could I have done better? “Everything,” a voice shouts at me. While I’m tormenting myself with all my downfalls, I almost fall on my ass when a body collides with my chest and arms wrap around my waist. Emilee’s smell envelops me as she pulls me into her, making sure I don’t fall. My arms work on autopilot and wrap her up.

“I’m so sorry, Bubba. He tried…” a sob cuts her off. My arms tighten around her as I bury my face into her neck. “He tried, Levi,” she whispers into my shoulder. That doesn’t help me right now because I could have done more to get here. I should have never left.

A hand thumps my back as Adam pulls us both into his chest. We must look strange to anyone around, but they don’t know the weight of what has happened to us. Losing Dad is like losing a lung. We can still breathe and live our lives, but it’s going to be difficult. Nothing will be the same without him. He was supposed to be the grandparent we saw on the weekend or special occasions. But he became so much more when we needed him to. He gave up everything for us three. He fought battle after battle to make sure we were loved, cared for, and happy.

Raising my head, I lock eyes with Adam and ask the question, that I don’t want to know the answer to, but I need to know. “When?” It comes out as a quiet whisper but he hears me.

“Four hours ago,” Adam answers.

Four fucking hours. Two hundred and forty minutes. In the grand scheme of our lives, four hours is nothing, but to me, four hours means everything. He left this world without me while I sat in a goddamn airplane. How is that fair? I was so close but still not close enough. Emilee is still sobbing loudly into my chest and clinging to me like a child scared of a thunderstorm. As her brother, I should soothe her and tell her everything is going to be alright, but I can’t lie to her. I have no idea what is going to happen now. Dad was the glue that held us all together. Without that glue, we might all fall apart for good.

A throat clears behind her, pulling my gaze in that direction. The security guard is standing there, and I get the message. We need to move. I nod at him, not making him say the words, as Emilee pulls away from me, to wipe her tears away. Not wanting to let go of the comfort I feel from her, I pull her into my side and head toward the exit. When we get closer, the security guard sticks out his hand. I shake it. “Thank you for your service, young man, and I want to extend my deepest condolences to your family for your loss.”

I stand here like a fool, not knowing what to say to him. “Thank you,” Emilee speaks up for me.

When someone thanks me for my service, the reply is easy, even if I don’t think I deserve the praise. But when I hear someone say they are sorry for your loss, I don’t know how to respond to that. Thank you seems weird to say, so I offer the guard a smile and shake his hand once more before letting go. Adam leads us toward the outside doors. I look down at my sister and she smiles up at me. “Where’s Parker?” I ask.

As she opens her mouth to answer me, a voice that I would know anywhere comes from my right. “Right here.” Looking in the direction of the voice, I see one of my best friends walking out of the bathroom. He hasn’t changed since the last time I saw him, not that I thought he would. His hair is still long, and on his shoulders is a leather jacket. I’ve always been jealous of how easily he pulls off that look. I bought one my senior year, but I wasn’t cool enough for it. When his eyes meet Emilee’s, jealousy invades my thoughts for a different reason. I used to look at someone like that and probably still would if Inope, not going there.I shake my head to stop those thoughts, and Parker pulls me into a full hug. None of that bro hug shit here. “I’m so sorry, Levi. He was a remarkable man, and the world will never be the same.”

That wordwasrips my heart open. We are already speaking about my dad in the past tense. The light was stolen from my world four years ago, but there has always been hope that it would come back. But now, that hope is gone. Hope left when he drew in his last breath. Fuck, my thoughts are morbid right now. Parker slaps me on my back one more time before letting me go and stealing my sister. She turns to me, asking, “Do you need to get your bags, Bubba.”

I shake my head and shrug my shoulders, making the bag jingle. “No, Sissy, I have everything I need right here.”

“Good, let’s head home,” Adam says, putting his arm around my shoulders as Emilee takes my hand. We head out the automatic doors into the cold rain. Once everyone is in the car, Adam reverses and heads in the opposite direction that I want to go. While I love seeing my siblings and Parker, every fiber of my being wants to walk back to the airport and change my return ticket to leave tonight. The cab of the truck is filled with nothing but silence. No one speaks, and Adam never turns on the radio. We are all lost in our own thoughts. I stare out the window just like I did the whole way here. Adam opens the throttle as we hit the interstate, pushing past the speed limit, and I watch the city’s lights fade away. I occasionally hear Parker whisper to Emilee, telling her it will be alright. It warms my heart to see the two of them together. They are perfect for each other. She found him when she was in a dark place. He helped her save herself. They might be young at twenty-three, but they have been happily married for five years.

I must have dozed off somewhere on the drive because Parker shakes me awake just as Adam shuts the truck off. Sitting in front of us is our childhood home. The place I ran away from four years ago, the same day I graduated from high school. I’m not sure what lies behind that door, but I’m terrified to step out of the car and find out. His body won’t be there anymore, but that doesn’t make opening the truck door easier. There is a soft glow coming from the living room windows. I’ve seen that glow plenty of times to know that the dining room light is the only one on at the moment. Looking around the driveway, it’s empty, besides two vehicles. One, I assume, belongs to Parker and Emilee. The other one causes pain to bloom in my chest. My dad’s truck is sitting there, waiting for him to start her up and take her for a drive.

Stepping out into the cool night air, I notice the rain must have stopped at some point on the drive. I brace myself to see my mom. “Where is everyone?” I assume that the house would be packed with my aunts and uncles.

“I don’t know. They were here when we left. Carly and Adam Jr are for sure still inside.” Adam says in the darkness, heading toward the front door.

The closer I get to the front door, the higher my anxiety becomes. Even though it’s cold, my body breaks out in a sweat and my stomach turns over multiple times. Adam opens the door, and the porch is flooded with soft light. I pause, letting Emilee and Parker go ahead. I need one more second before I walk through the door. I look up at the vast night sky.I promise to do what I have to, Dad.Pulling my shoulders back, I summon what little strength I can and step over the threshold. I almost lose my balance for the second time tonight when someone runs into my chest. This time it’s my mom. “Levi, my baby boy, you’re home.”

Wrapping my arms around her, I rub her back as her whole body shakes with sobs. I feel her tears wetting my shirt, but I don’t care. My eyes sting, as they have since Friday, but I refuse to let the tears fall. I’m a Marine, damn it, and we don’t cry. “I’m sorry, Mom. I tried…” My response dies as emotions choke me, cutting off my air.

“Oh, baby. It’s not your fault. He knew, he knew.” That doesn’t help with the disappointment, despair, and pain radiating through my chest. Emilee comes up behind Mom and places a hand on her shoulder.

“Mom, where is everyone? Did you eat the food I left for you?”

---