Page 8 of Fixing Emilee

“When you go into the bathroom, whether to use the toilet or shower, you will have a time limit. You will be allowed to shut the door, but the items you take in will be searched for sharp objects, and anything you can use to harm yourself will be removed from the room. When you need to shave, your nana will be there with you. She will also be doing random checks of your body to make sure that no new cuts pop up.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You are agreeing to everything with no arguments?” He asks, confused about why I’m not fighting him.

“Yes, sir, I am. I know that I have these rules to keep me safe and get me better. You will not hear me complain one time,” I say, reaching forward and grabbing his hand. “Does this mean I get to go home?”

He stands up, pulling me into a hug. “Yes, baby girl, you get to come home now.” Tears start coming down my face. This time they are happy tears. Bending down, I grab my bag, sling it over my shoulder, and head out the door, ready to get the fuck out of here.

CHAPTER FOUR

The drive home was uneventful. Papa let me control our music and left me to my thoughts. Music was the biggest thing I missed during my time in the hospital. In each room we had a small tv, but the cable provider didn’t offer any music channels. I’m not a big fan of the current tv shows, and the type of movies I watch hardly get played on the channels they offer. I have always believed that sometimes we hear a song at a specific time in our lives for a reason. Just as we pull into the driveway, the song “Alive” by Daughtry comes on the radio, and my whole body breaks out in goosebumps.

Papa reaches to turn off the truck, but I grab his hand, stopping him mid-reach, “Can we please just sit here and listen to this song?”

“Of course,” he says, turning the volume up a little bit. He sits back, gets comfortable, and watches me.

I don’t look at him. Instead, I focus my gaze behind him out the driver-side passenger window, at the blue house sitting across the road from me, Christian’s home. I focus on the lyrics and let them sink into my soul. Fear creeps over me at the possibility of him being home so close to me, and I’m not stupid enough to deny I’m scared. There is a massive part of me that’s worried that nothing is going to change. That everything will just pick up from where it left off. I feel stronger than I was days ago, but am I really as strong as I think I am? As the song ends and I blink back the tears, a knock on my window makes me jump. My neck muscles pull with how fast I turn my head toward the sound. Standing outside my door are Adam, Levi, Nana, and Carly. All of them are wearing big smiles, and Carly and Nana have tears in their eyes. All the doubt that just plagued me vanishes. It doesn’t matter if I’m strong or not. I’m no longer alone. I have an army standing behind me, waiting for the time I need them to hold me up or fight beside me.

Papa told me everyone offered to move to a different town, but I refused. While it was a very sweet, caring, and loving offer, I wasn’t going to have all of them start over because of me. If I accepted it, I would be racked with so much guilt, I couldn’t stand it. I’m done with running and hiding from them. It’s time for me to fight back, and I plan on doing that. Even though it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t want anyone to have that kind of power over my life anymore. It’s my life, and I’m the only one who should have control over my happiness.

Pushing my door open, I’m instantly pulled out and surrounded by everyone in one big group hug. My brothers grab my bag as Nana walks me to the front door. During the drive here, I wondered how it would feel stepping back into the place I call home. Everything will be the same as the last time I was here, but I’m different. Would I get flashbacks of all the bad moments? As I step into the living room, I wait for the anxiety to come, my legs to start shaking, or my breathing to become labored, but nothing happens. No flashbacks, All I feel is the relief only your home can give you. Although something is still missing. Walking into my room, I head straight for the bedside table, pulling out the drawer, ready to hand everything in there to Papa, but there’s nothing here.

A throat clears behind me. Turning around, my nana stands there with a cup of what smells like tea in her hand. “Levi found everything in there. We thought it would be best to remove it,” she says, walking in and handing me the cup.

Blowing on the tea, I take a small sip. Placing the cup on the table, I sit down on my bed. “Thank you for that. I was going to give it to you guys.”

She nods her head. “Mind if I sit down?”

She looks nervous, and while I know it should not amuse me, a small smile forms on my face. For the first time, she’s nervous around me, not the other way around. “Sure, Nana,” I say, patting the bed beside me.

She slowly sits down, taking my hands in hers. She stares at our joined hands before looking up at me. When she does, I see tears in her eyes. “I know you have heard this a million times over the last couple of days, but not from me. I’m so sorry, Emilee. I’m sorry for not coming to the hospital to see you, but I’m the sorriest for having a hand in making you feel so low.” My emotions clog my throat, and I try to swallow them down. I can feel the sadness rolling off her making it worse.

I squeeze her hand and go to say something, but she continues. “Seeing you covered in your own blood with a gun in your mouth… it was as if someone had their hand wrapped around my heart, squeezing it. I was so scared for you.” A sob chokes her, and her whole body starts to shake. I pull my hands from hers to wrap my arms around her. It feels strange to be comforting her, but that’s the thing, our actions and choices affect not only us, but the people around us as well.

“I understand why you didn’t come to the hospital. Thank you for apologizing to me too. The great thing is that I’m alive, home, and on the road to getting better,” I whisper into her salt-and-pepper hair.

She’s holding onto me so tight, like she’s afraid it’s all a dream and I’m not real. After a few minutes, she pulls back, wipes her face, and takes my face in her palms.

“I know we have a long way to go to get better as a family, but please believe that I never meant to hurt you. I can tell you that it was the stress of work, money issues, or even just easier to continue going the way we had, but they are just excuses. Nothing we did was right, and while I can’t promise it will be easy from here on out, we will make a conscious effort to change. I don’t expect you to forgive us overnight, but I hope you will give us a chance to prove how much we love you. Will you allow us to make it right and be the parents that you deserve?”

Tears are streaming down my face, and I can feel the snot starting to run, but I don’t move to wipe anything away. For a year, this was all I wanted. I just wanted my family to see me. To see every broken, shattered piece and love me despite them. To help me glue myself back together stronger than ever.

“Yes, ma’am, I can, and one day we will get there. This is all I wanted, someone in my corner. It won’t be easy, but I won’t give up on us if you guys don’t give up either.” It’s now her turn to pull me into a hug. Laying my head on her chest, I let the sound of her steady heart relax me.

“Of course, baby girl. We will never give up on you. I love you, Emilee Kay Hill.” Hearing those words, another sob leaves me, and she pulls me in tighter against her. She pulls me until we are laying down fully across my bed. Our heads are in the same place where I lay just days ago, wishing upon the stars that they would love me and that I would die in my sleep. Snuggling down more into her embrace, closing my eyes and simply enjoying this moment, I realize that one of my wishes came true and let that sink in.

The next time I open my eyes, I notice that I’m alone, and the stars are out in full force. I must have fallen asleep. Sitting up, I rub the crust out of my eyes from where my tears have dried. A sound draws my attention to the doorway where Levi is standing. I wonder how long he has been standing there. In his hands is a plate of steaming food. On cue, my stomach growls. “Is that for me?”

A laugh escapes his lips. “Yes, I was coming in to wake you up to see if you were hungry.”

“What time is it? Where is everybody?”

“It’s just past six. Mom had to work this evening, Adam is out with Carly, and Dad is in the living room.” He says, walking in and pulling my desk chair across the room to sit. Taking the plate of food from him, I dig in. It’s my favorite: breakfast for dinner. The sigh that leaves him lets me know something is wrong with him.

“What’s wrong, Levi?”

“Nothing…”

---