Page 34 of Fixing Emilee

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The sound of crickets chirping, cows mooing, and the soft wind blowing surrounds me as the sky is lit by the millions of twinkling stars above me. I snuggle deeper into a blanket draped over me as I lay here feeling utterly free. It’s been two weeks since I laid everything on the dining room table. Everyone who needs to know knows all the darkness hidden in my soul for too long. I was a hundred percent positive that I would go to my grave with no one finding out what I went through, but one boy changed that. The weight that was instantly lifted off my shoulders when Levi read that article was phenomenal. Kevin isn’t anywhere on this planet waiting for me. I never exactly feared he was around the corner, waiting to jump out and attack me again. It was more of the little voice in the back of my head that constantly reminded me if I didn’t get out of this town, there was a possibility of me seeing him again. Something I didn’t ever want to happen.

* * *

While Kevin caused damage, what caused the most was my mother not believing me and choosing to abandon her flesh and blood for him. That was the start of my issues with trusting others. If you can’t trust the individual who gave birth to you, who can you trust in this world? That's right, no one. Now that I’ve told my secret, it has become the focal point of my therapy sessions with Mr. Gold. I was surprised when he suggested I start searching for my mother, trying to mend that bridge. I’m not sure about that. While I would love to know why she did what she did, at the same time, I don’t want to know. The most glaring issue is that, even though we have no idea where she is, she knows exactly where we are.

“My parents have lived in the same town since she was a teenager. They have lived in the same house since Adam was born. She knows her way here as well as I do but chooses to stay away. She would show up if she wanted anything to do with her children or family. I’m tired of making the first move to build bridges I had no hand in burning down,” I say right as the timer sitting on the desk chirps, telling me that, once again, this session is over, and I can breathe easy. While talking has gotten easier, it still makes me nervous, draining me mentally.

“Your feelings about her and the situation you are in are valid. I’ll leave you with one parting thought we will discuss in your next session. What if she feels guilty for leaving you and is too scared to reach out, fearing what reaction she would get if she showed up?” Mr. Gold finishes writing something, placing the folder on the table.

That question makes thoughts I don’t want to have rush through my mind. I push them aside because today is special, and once that timer goes off, any thoughts I have about her need to stay right here in this room.

“Okay, before you leave, I wanted to discuss something with you.” When a huff leaves me and I slump back in the chair, he holds up a hand, smiling at me. “I will make it quick. I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. The progress that you have made over the last few months is stunning. I have never seen a client more determined to get better or work as hard as you have. You have come a long way from the scared, timid girl that refused to speak to me. That girl would never be attending her senior prom tonight. In three weeks and four days, you will be a high school graduate, and you have your choice of colleges to attend.”

My lips turn up as a huge smile overcomes my face at his praise. Pride and happiness expand in my chest, making my eyes glass over as tears fill them. I have come a long way, and it is nice to hear how proud someone is of me.

His small smile transforms into one that matches mine. “I think it’s time to start meeting only once a week.”

The happiness I’m feeling is replaced by dread and doubt. “Are you serious? You think I’m ready to only have one hour-long session weekly?” Shock and hesitation lace my words as worry that this is too much too fast makes my stomach ache. Even though I have had multiple breakthroughs and have better control over my emotions, I still struggle daily with the negative voices and thoughts that try to pull me down.

“Emilee, take a deep breath. Yes, I’m certain you are more than ready for this change. As we have discussed multiple times, it’s perfectly normal for someone to have insecurities, self-doubt, and days of feeling low. If we didn’t have those flaws, we wouldn’t be human. You strive for perfection; while that is a good thing, it’s also bad. No one will ever be perfect, no matter how hard someone tries. They will fall, making mistakes, and that’s all right. We have to work harder to accept our downfalls, flaws, and the fact that it’s okay not to be perfect. We don’t expect others to be perfect, therefore, we don’t need to expect that from ourselves.”

I nod at his words because this is something that he has said before. I am constantly working on accepting I won’t be perfect and that the people close to me love me for my imperfections not in spite of them.

He continues, “Remember, I have the emergency line. You have the number. Call if you get midway through the week and need a session. I will set one up at the earliest time. But I promise, you have the strength, the willpower, and the techniques to go out and slay the world around you.” Standing up, he motions for me to give him a fist bump. It’s childish, but I felt awkward just walking out of the office in our earlier days. So, one day, I asked for a fist bump, and it has stuck since then.

“Okay, once a week. Trial run?” I ask, pausing at the door.

“Trial run.”

Leaving the brick building, turning my face toward the sun, I let the warmth fill me up, chasing away the lingering dread. Typically, someone drives me and waits until I’m through because, after a session, I can be emotionally drained, but not today. Today I drove myself because I took the whole day off school to get ready for tonight and Mr. Gold agreed to meeting me earlier in the day. Plus I thought it was time to do this by myself. Pulling out my phone from my back pocket, I turn it off silent and see three unread messages.

Tiffani: Hey, we are still meeting at the school after your session, right?

Levi: Don’t forget to leave the key to the truck in the middle console when you go with Tif.

My Man: I hope you had a successful session, and remember, you are the strongest person I know. You can and will do this. Have fun getting your nails done with Tiffani, Butterfly. I’ll see you tonight. I can’t wait to see how stunning you look in your dress. I love you today, tomorrow, and forever.

The anxiety over everything evaporates fully as I read each one. I message them all back. I let Tiffani know we are still meeting at the school, and I’m on my way. I pick on Levi, telling him I wouldn’t have to hide this one if he hadn’t lost the spare key. Lastly, I send four little words to the person I still can’t believe is in my life. “You are my world.” I spend the thirty-minute drive back to town lost in the thought that tonight is my senior prom. Besides graduation, this is the biggest night of our lives, or it’s supposed to be. For weeks, all that anyone has talked about is what they are wearing, what party they are going to attend, and if they are getting a hotel room. It’s exciting, but I don’t want to put too much expectation on tonight. If I don’t expect anything other than to dance, laugh, and have fun, then if something goes wrong, I won’t be let down.

The dance is open to the Junior and Senior classes. Christian will be there, as he’s a junior, but I no longer worry about him. Since we had our little heart-to-heart, I’ve finally started to get closure. He finally found some new friends that accept him for who he is. When I see him in the hallway or at lunch, he waves and offers a slight smile that I return. I hold out hope that as time goes on and I heal more, I can offer him some kind of friendship. Nothing like we had before, but it would be nice to have some sort of friendship with him because, before Vanessa, we were good.

Speaking of Vanessa, she is no longer someone I even have to think about. The school took what she did very seriously and expelled her that night. Larry told Parker and me, that by the time morning rolled around, her mom had them packed and was heading out of town. I stopped him and told him I didn’t want to know where she went, just that I wouldn’t have to worry about her anymore. He assured me she was gone and not coming back. Parker stayed and listened to the rest. He told me that Larry and Vanessa’s mom had a falling out when he stood up for us and didn’t let her turn the blame around on us. I ran into the living room, hugged Larry’s neck, and thanked him.

Pulling into the student parking lot, I notice Tiffani isn’t here yet. I park in the same spot that Parker and I do every morning. Shutting off the truck, I pull out my phone to see where Tiffani is and notice she messaged while I was driving.

Tiffani: I’m running late. I have to get gas, and then I will be right there.

Me: No problem.

I make sure to put the key where Levi said to and step out. After two days of straight rain, I want to soak up as much sunlight as possible. Pulling up the music app on my phone, I hit play on the song that has been stuck in my head for days. I lower the tailgate on the truck, hop up, and stare at the building in front of me. It’s weird knowing that my days in this building are ending. After tonight we have a week off for our senior trip. While everyone else will be in Florida, Parker and I have decided to stay home. We want to spend time together without all the rules that the school sets on the students. Once our week is up, we have fifteen days left. It’s weird to feel this way now after wanting to be free of this place for so long.

I would spend countless hours counting down the days I had left before I could walk out the front door and never look back. The thought of never having to come back or see anyone here filled me with hope and happiness, but now, it’s fear and sadness. My eyes start to fill with tears making the building sway. My heart aches at how fast these days will go by, and they will fly by for sure. While I don’t think a day will come when I look at this building and not remember the bad times I’ve had here, there are so many good memories of this building now. There are people here that I love and love me. Levi and Tiffani still have a year left when we graduate. The thought of saying goodbye to them forces the tears over and down my face. I wished and hoped for friends, but now I’m going to have to leave them behind. I’m not in a big hurry to leave this place or this town behind now.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t see the Jeep Wrangler whip into the parking lot. I only notice it when a honk sounds making me jump. Sitting in the driver’s seat is my bestie, with a massive smile. Her windows are rolled down, and I hear the song I was just listening to blaring from her speakers, “Just Keep Breathing” by We The Kings. She is lost in the lyrics, screaming them from the top of her lungs. Grabbing my phone, I snap a picture of her looking so happy and carefree. I want to remember this moment when I inevitably start to miss her in the future. Jumping down, I push the tailgate up, stow my phone in my pocket, and head toward her. Tears are still rolling down my face as the feeling of not wanting to leave sits heavily in my chest.

I settle in the seat, making sure to buckle up because she isn’t the best driver in the world. Once the seat belt is secured around me, I lean over, pulling her into a tight hug. The smell of lavender overwhelms my senses, and I try to cement it in my brain.

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