Page 34 of Breaking Emilee

Don’t they see that I’m completely broken inside? The only thing keeping me together is strong ass duct tape. There is tape over every crack, crevice, stab puncture and self-inflicted cut to keep me intact but just like the tape on the box earlier mine has been picked at until it is starting to peel off. My head already hurts from the breakdown I had earlier, but I can’t stop the tears from coming. When I see him walking toward me, I do the first thing my body thinks to do, hold my hand up and tell him to get out. I don’t want to see him anymore, or at least that’s what I’m trying to get my heart to agree to.

That little organ is dead set on beating for him and is very happy that he’s here. He stops three steps from me, but he doesn’t turn to leave. So, I repeat myself, “Get. Out. Parker, please.” Instead of listening, he takes a step closer. Finally, the toes of his boots are pressed into my bare feet.

“No, Butterfly. Please hear me out. I know leaving you alone this weekend was wrong, but I needed to figure some things out.” I wipe my cheeks with the sleeve of my shirt. He’s still going with that fucking lie. The tears stop as my hurt turns to anger. I bend my knees to stand up, Parker puts his hand out, trying to be nice, but I just ignore it. Straightening up, I suck in a deep breath and bring my head up to meet his eyes.

“You needed to figure stuff out. Really Parker? Stop lying to me, okay. I’m not stupid, even though you think I am. I know you never left fucking town, okay. I know you were right across the street from me. Fuck …”

His eyes widen, and his jaw clenches as he steps forward, getting into my personal space and backing me into my mirror. “What the fuck are you talking about, Butterfly? I left town Thursday afternoon and just got back around four. What do you fucking mean I spent time across the street? From where? Here? I wasn’t anywhere close to here.” He’s pissed, and his words are low and serious.

Rolling my eyes at him. I push him back from me, grabbing his hand with mine and pulling him over to the window he just crawled through. “Yes, across the fucking street from here.” Pointing out toward Christian’s house. “Christian lives right there, and I know you were with them this weekend. Please just…”

Standing behind me, he reaches around, placing his hand over my mouth. Leaning close to speak straight into my ear, “I don’t fucking know what they told you or when they told you, but I swear on every fucking thing I have that I was not there. I was at my best friend Zak’s house until four, when I got home. I’ll call my aunt and risk being grounded for sneaking out if that’s what it takes for you to believe me.”

Wrapping my hand around his wrist, I remove his hand from my mouth. “You could have easily lied to her. Just like you have lied to me.”

He spins me around so fast I get dizzy. “Lied to you. When have I ever lied to you?”

I cover my face with my hands because my headache is getting worse, and I’m on the verge of losing it again. “You know what, never fucking mind. This is pointless. Do us both a favor and just leave Parker.”

My hands are ripped away. He lowers his face until we are nose to nose. “Emilee, I have never fucking lied to you. I have also never lied to my aunt. I would never lie to either of you. If I have to call Zak right now, I will. He would never lie for me; he is the most honest person I’ve ever met.”

I study his face looking for any little hint that he’s lying to me. It’s not a stretch that Vanessa and Christian would lie to me, but I find it harder to believe Parker than them. I don’t understand why he would want to be with me, making me question him at every turn. I feel like I need more of the story to decide if I believe him. We are standing at the foot of my bed, so I just move to the left, lay down, and put my head on the windowsill. I stare up at the stars just like I did last night. I’ll let him explain but damn it, he isn’t going to see me cry again.

“Talk,” is all I say. I hear him walk away from me, around to the opposite side of the bed. When he lowers himself to sit down the mattress dips and I slide just a little toward him. I can feel his knee and calf against mine, so I know he’s facing me. Where he’s touching me starts to heat up, but I will not think about how close he is to me or how I love it.

“Why won’t you look at me, Em?” His voice breaks.

I almost look at him as my heart hurts with the emotions in his voice, but instead, I squeeze my eyes tighter. “Parker, just talk, so you can leave, and I can go to sleep” I don’t think I can take much more of him being here in my room. He has only been in here for ten minutes at most but the room is small so his scent is starting to become the only thing I smell. With my eyes held tightly shut, I pull in as much of the air around me through my nose, filling my lungs with it and holding it until I can’t anymore.

He sighs. “Em. Do you remember the last thing you asked me Wednesday night?” Why is he asking me that?

I have to think about the answer. So much has happened this weekend, making Wednesday feels so long ago but I remember. “I asked you why you wanted to be with me, and you never responded. Like this weekend.” The words slip out before I can stop them. He hurt me so why am I feeling bad for reminding him of that?

“I thought I answered you, baby. I typed out a response and sent it to you, but the message failed. I didn’t notice it till Thursday in the park when you showed me your phone.” I opened my eyes just as a star shot across the sky. I wish on it that this is painless and quick.

I don’t say anything to his confession because I don’t know what to say. Everything coming out of his mouth could be a lie. “What the fuck, Parker?” I squeak as he pulls me until I’m sitting up. I fix him with a stare that I hope gives nothing away. “What does that have to do with you disappearing?” I put disappearing in quotations. “God, fuck, what do you want from me?”

“You. I just fucking want you,” he says as he slams his mouth to mine. My heart tries to leave my chest as my brain shuts down. I put my hands on his chest, intending to push him away. Instead I grip a handful of his shirt, pulling him further into my body.He never deepens the kiss, and before I can, he pulls back, laying his forehead on mine. “I want you to let me explain, please. Give me a chance to make it up to you. One more chance.” I just nod because I can’t speak around the lump in my throat right now. “When I saw that my message didn’t send, I thought it was a sign that I was moving too fast. That we were moving too fast. I mean, you must admit it’s strange that we have only known each other for two weeks and our feelings are already this strong.”

If he had said this yesterday, I would have agreed with him, but after giving it a lot of thought, it’s not that crazy to me. My grandparents fell in love the first time they met, and I’ve heard their stories many times. “No, Parker, I don’t.” He pulls back but never stops looking me in the eyes. I know what he’s looking for, “I’m not lying to you. My grandparents fell in love instantly. I’ve heard the story over and over since I was a little kid. They knew they would be together forever within the first week of knowing each other.” I shrug.

He sighs and tries to pull me with him as he lays down, but I get up and shut the overhead light off. The only light in the room is the moonlight coming through my open window. I get back in bed, but I don’t get close to him. He grabs my waist and pulls me right up against him. “Well, I didn’t grow up with that. My mom waited around forever for a man that never came back. My aunt was so wrapped up in raising me that she never dated. When she met Larry, she said it was love at first sight, but she’s older than we are now.”

Now that I can understand. “So let me get this straight because you thought we were too young to know what we were feeling. You acted like an ass to me, ignored me for days, and bailed on our project.” I push on his side trying to get a little distance between us, but he tightens his hold not letting me go. Instead, he places his hand on the back of my head and pulls it, so my cheek is laying right over his heart. I can feel it racing, matching the rhythm of my own. “I told you I didn’t mean to be an ass to you. I also finished the project last night, but that’s not important. I needed to get away and to try to work through everything going on up here,” he points to his head. “I wasn’t sure if the feelings I have for you were… I don’t know lust or something else. I have this intense need to protect you, and I was worried I was mistaking that something for more.” I don’t know whether I should be mad about all of that or if it should make me feel better. I have never had a guy be into me at all. So, I stay quiet and let him talk. “I thought that if I could talk to Zak about everything, he could help me sort it out. He has been my best friend since I was five. He’s more like my brother than my friend. I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this here, so I took off.”

I can’t stay quiet anymore. “You know I understand that, Park. Especially the not having anyone, but you couldn’t text me and tell me what was going on? I texted you all day Friday and Saturday. I was worried about you and thought I had done something wrong. You didn’t think to send me a little text saying I did nothing wrong.”

I’m starting to get upset again and don’t want him to see, so I turn my face more into his chest. We can’t start fighting and wake anyone up, so I lower my voice and ask, “Why didn’t you text me?” He starts rubbing his hand up and down my arm, making goosebumps break out all over my body, but I have to ignore them. I want answers.

“I don’t know, Butterfly. When I got there Thursday, I was so worked up that I just ended up getting drunk with Zak, and we crashed. Friday, I slept almost all day until he got home. Then I just wanted to hang out with my friends, so I turned my phone off. Vanessa was blowing my shit up. It wasn’t that I was trying to ignore you. It’s just that I wanted to figure things out before I talked to you. When I turned on my phone Saturday and saw all your messages, I knew we needed to have this conversation face to face, not on the phone. I knew I fucked up.” I sit there for a minute taking everything in. He’s right. Even if I hadn’t turned my phone off, I don’t think I would have messaged him back. I don’t think I would want to have this conversation over the phone. I like seeing his face because his emotions show in his eyes, and I can see that he’s telling the truth right now.

“Okay, so you disappeared to figure out your feelings. Well, did you?” I sit up for his response. I need to look into his eyes to determine if I’ll believe him or tell him I’m done. He mirrors me and sits up, putting his back against my headboard, and crosses his legs. God, he’s so hot, and once again, my body tries to distract me from what’s happening. I have to know what he figured out before I even entertain the idea of what my body wants from him.

“I did. Zak’s mom actually helped me figure it all out. She told me about how she met her husband when they were really young. She told me how her husband figured out their feelings were legit. I took her advice, and it worked. I was ready to head home Saturday to you, but my bike broke down. It took me an extra day to get home.” He still hasn’t told me what his feelings were. Damn it, man. Spit. It. Out. “Why do you have me blocked, Em?” I choke on the air and start coughing, but not in a pretty way.

What the fuck? I don’t have him blocked. Why would he think I did? “I don’t, Parker. Why would you think that?”

“Because I’ve been texting you since I left Cape around noon and calling you multiple times. It goes straight to voice mail, and you never responded to my texts, see.” He pulls up our message thread and shows me all the messages he sent me and then all the phone calls. I can’t help but let out a little laugh.

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