Page 2 of Breaking Emilee

Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to not let the tears run, but I fail as a couple falls down my face before I mentally slap myself.Stop being a baby, I scream at myself. I just want them to quit and leave me alone. By their actions, it’s clear we’ll never go back to how we were before, but unlike the other students, they choose to not ignore me. I had hoped that they’d get bored eventually. A lot of good that did me. I have prayed to every God you can think of, and it never ends. I stopped praying the day they cut my hair and hit me for the first time; before that, it was just words. Now not so much. I’m so tired; I wish I could close my eyes and drift off for a few minutes, hell, maybe forever.

Closing my eyes, I know I won’t drift off into the bliss that sleep brings most individuals. Being exhausted has become a permeant state for me these past months. Even when I sleep, I am instantly reliving that night- the night I went from Emilee Hill, the strong girl, sort of happy, to their punching bag. And when I wake after what feels like no sleep, I’m reminded of how completely broken I am.

CHAPTERTWO

FOUR MONTHS AGO

“Vanessa and Christian want to go see a movie, grab some dinner, and then maybe walk around Walmart,” because, yes, in a small town, you hang out at Walmart. I figure I know the answer to the question I haven’t asked yet. My grandparents rarely let me leave the house. It took me months to convince them to allow me to be friends with Christian.

“Emilee, we are already letting Vanessa spend the night with you. Why do you continue to want more? You know the rules. You have too many responsibilities here that need to be done. The picture frames look dirty, supper isn’t even started yet, and the house can do with a good deep cleaning. Plus, you know we don’t like you going anywhere without someone to watch you.” My Nana doesn’t even stop gathering her things to look at me.

How is asking to spend time with my friends wanting more? No matter what I do, she always gives me a hard time and acts as if I ask for so much. It doesn’t matter that I’ve done all the chores plus more this week. My brothers, Adam and Levi, can do whatever they want without putting in the extra effort I do, but they’re boys, which is just how it is in my house. If I even think about going out, I have to have someone go with me, and typically my brothers say no, so I don’t even ask. The only place I can go alone is the grocery store because my uncle works there on Sundays.

“Please, I never ask to do anything outside of school events. Please, just this one time. I promise I will spend all day Saturday cleaning.” Not that I’m not going to do it anyway, but I hope that she will give in to me, promising to do it out loud. “I promise, please. How will you see that you can trust me if you never give me a chance to prove it?” I know it sounds like I’m crying and begging but damn it, I am. I want to be normal. I have never understood why I have strict rules and cannot go anywhere alone. I’m too scared to ask; therefore, I guess they’re like this because they think they can’t trust me.

Up until Vanessa moved here, Christian was my only friend. Now I consider him to be my best friend, my whole world. The last thing I want to do is lose him. I’ve felt unworthy of being his friend since the beginning but that has just worsened over the last couple of months. I will do anything to protect our friendship.

“Fine, but you have to ensure that this house is clean before leaving and be home by eleven. I mean it, one minute past, and you will find yourself with more housework than before.” My Nana basically screams at me. I can tell she only relents because she is tired from working a double shift. That might be why I asked her instead of my Papa in the first place.

I don’t care what I have to do. All that matters is she said yes, and I finally feel like the seventeen-year-old I am for the first time in a while. I’ll finally be able to show Christian that he didn’t make a mistake choosing me to be his friend. I love my grandparents and am thankful they took us in, but I’m tired of living like it’s the 1960s.

I had high hopes for tonight; just being able to be out with them was a fight in itself, but now, it’s clear it isn’t going to play out as I hoped it would. Unlike me, Christian and Vanessa don’t have a curfew because their parents are much more relaxed than my grandparents. When the discussion about where we would go to eat happens, they instantly outvote me. They don’t have to worry about money. I should have known then that tonight would not be the start of fixing things.

As we leave the restaurant, they start talking about a party they have been invited to. “Van, what time did you say it started?”

“I think ten but grab my phone and check my messages.”

Fuck me. I think before speaking up, “Guys, I told you I can’t stay out later than eleven. If I do, I will get into more trouble than a party is worth.”

“Oh, come on, you’re overreacting. I’m sure it won’t be that bad. Your grandparents are old; they will be in bed way before you are supposed to be home.” Vanessa says. I roll my eyes in the back seat because if she believes that, she will believe anything. “Plus, it’s the back-to-school party that the senior basketball boys are throwing, and you are a senior. We, as underclassmen, finally got an invite. Come on, don’t you want to be a part of all of this?” She whines from the driver’s side.

“Yeah, Emilee, don’t start this again. You never go out with us, and now that you are finally here, you’re trying to ruin our night.” Christian agrees.

I wish his response shocked me, but this is how it has been since July; he always takes her side in arguments. I can’t help but feel hurt even though it’s become our regular routine. Me and Vanessa disagree; Christian sides with her, and I shut my mouth, going along with whatever, she wants. Why can’t he take my side for once?

“Seriously, guys, I can’t. It took a lot for them to let me come tonight. They won’t ever let me come out again if I mess it up. If the party is in town, how hard would it be to drop me off by eleven and then head there?”

“How’s that supposed to work? I’m supposed to be staying the night with you, Emilee. Don’t you think your Nana would notice if I don’t go home at the same time you do?” Vanessa huffs and pulls into the Walmart parking lot. She has a point; if she doesn’t come home with me, my Nana will lose her shit, and I’ll no longer be allowed to be friends with her. Then I will for sure lose Christian. It sucks that I have to please her for him to stay, but I’m confident that if he has to choose between us, I will lose.

“Whatever, Can I use your phone, Christian? I’ll call and see if she will let me stay out later.” I know she won’t, but it gets them off my back.

Christian pulls out his cell and hands it to me because while I’m seventeen, I’m not allowed to have a cell phone. As I dial our home phone number, I watch them walk away into the store, not even waiting for me. I hang up before it rings once I know it won’t matter what I say. They aren’t going to let me stay out longer, and I feel that Vanessa and Christian don’t want me to be here anyway.

Tilting my head back, I can see the stars starting to shine; I try to swallow down the feeling of not being wanted, of not being enough for them. Just like I have for the past few months where Christian is concerned. The sense of abandonment intensifies as I walk through the double doors to see they didn’t wait for me; what a surprise. They couldn’t have gotten too far, so I decided to look for them around electronics. I overhear them talking as I round the corner leading toward the movies, CDs, and computers.

A huge sigh comes out of Christian. “Van, I thought you said we were almost free of this.”

“We are. We need her to look like the bad guy a little more.”

“Is that why you invited her to come out tonight? I can’t stand this anymore, the pretending and keeping my mouth shut. I want my old life back. This party is my one and only chance to get back what I lost because of her.”

Pretending? Lost because of me? What the fuck is he talking about.

“How could I have ever thought she was good enough to be friends with?” Christian asks.

“Because I wasn’t here yet,” they laugh, and my heart breaks.

My mind is racing, trying to make sense of what I just heard, but I can’t. It’s like they were speaking a foreign language. Stumbling back away from the two people I assumed were my friends, I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I feel like crying and screaming at the same time. The store is spinning in front of me, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. The cheap salad I had at the restaurant is starting to come back up, and I swallow multiple times to keep it down.

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