Page 10 of Breaking Emilee

“I can do this,” I say mostly to myself. Fuck it, I’m tired of who I’ve become, so for the second time tonight, I’m doing something that I want to do, just for me.

Me: Hey

I hit send before I can chicken out, but I forget to tell him who it is.Idiot.

Me: It’s Emilee, by the way.

No reply.

The whole ride back to the house, I can’t take my eyes off my phone. Carly’s talking to Adam, so I can get lost in my thoughts, which is not good. I know rationally that he’s likely busy doing something, but my mind always goes to the worst. Things like him changing his mind and not wanting to talk to me anymore or, even worse, that he’s with Vanessa. My mind races with every possibility. By the time we get home, I feel so stupid. I’m risking everything for someone who I can’t trust. He hasn’t messaged me back, and I know it’s a silly reason, but I can’t stop the bad thoughts. Cutting is only way to silence the voices in my head. As I’m washing the blood off my arm, I tell myself I’ll just forget that I messaged him.Fuck him.He’s just like the rest of them.

Looking at my alarm clock, I sigh. It’s only ten o’clock, and I can’t stand being in this room anymore. It feels like my walls are closing in on me, and it’s hard to breathe. I put my phone on silent and hide it under my pillow, thinking I won’t think about the unanswered messages if I can’t see them. However, it turns out that’s all I can think about. I’ve got to get out of here. Grabbing my hidden cigarettes and phone, I slip out the window, heading straight to the cemetery, finally feeling like I can breathe better. I just sat down by the oldest headstone, hidden behind a huge tree. So, I know that if someone is walking or driving past, they can’t see me. I don’t even have time to light a cigarette when my phone buzzes, signaling I have a new text message.

Shaking, I open the message.

Parker: Hey I’m sorry. I was working on my bike and didn’t notice my phone had died.

Okay, that sounds like a good excuse, but now what? Think Emilee. Don’t say anything stupid. I want to talk to him, but maybe he should think I fell asleep. I’ll get hurt more if I let this go on, right? No, damn it, I’m going to do this.

Me; Hey, it’s okay no need to apologize. I figured you fell asleep and would see the message in the morning.

I stare at the message rereading it many times to make sure that it sounds like I’m not just sitting by my phone waiting for him to reply. Getting up the courage, I hit send. Leaning back, resting my head against the tree, I finally light my cigarette. I can’t believe this is my life right now. My phone buzzes with another incoming message.

Parker: Ha, no I normally don’t go to sleep till later. What about you? Why are you still up?

Me: Too early as well. I have a hard time sleeping most nights.

I press the send button without thinking. Why did I just admit that I have a hard time sleeping? No one knows that.

Parker: That sucks. What do you do when you can’t sleep? What are you doing right now?

Once again, without thinking, I tell him the truth.

Me: Sitting in the cemetery that is by my house.

Parker: Why the hell are you there?

Me: It’s quiet here, and I know no one will bother me or expect anything from me. Unless the dead comes back to life.

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up,” I say aloud. He’s going to think I’m a freak. There is also a possibility that he will tell Vanessa where I am, and then I’ll have nowhere to go when my home life gets too much. I finish my cigarette and throw it to the ground. I need to head back home; Adam is still up. I don’t need him to find my empty bed. He will tell on me for sure. My phone is eerily silent on the walk home. Damn it, I said too much and freaked him out. Why am I such a freak? I just want a normal life. Is that too much to ask for? As soon as I slide the screen back onto my window, my phone buzzes from my pocket. Thank God I put it on silent.

Pulling it out, I see that Parker’s calling me. Oh my god, why is he calling me? Holy shit. Swiping my finger across the green button, I put it to my ear, making sure my music is on low and the door is shut.

“Is everything okay? Why are you calling me?” I whisper, hoping that the music will cover my voice up.

“Why do you let the people at school treat you like that?” He asks.

What the fuck. That’s not what I was expecting him to ask. Sitting down on my bed, I stare out the window. There is no way I can answer that question honestly. I don’t need anyone’s help, nor do I want anyone to know. I can deal with it all by myself. So, I will just give him the same story as today and half the truth.

“It’s fine. Like I said today, I can deal with it. They will get bored and move on,” I tell him as I stand and pull my pants off, staying in the shorts I’m wearing under them.

“Emilee, you say that, but why doesn’t anyone say something, the teachers, your friends? I’ve only been here a little over a week, and I see.” I cut him off before he continues that sentence.

“Listen, Parker. You’re correct. You are new here, but no one cares about you unless you can throw a baseball or shoot a basketball. I’m telling you that I can handle someone picking on my weight. I know that I’m a bigger girl. It’s nothing that I don’t tell myself daily.” I don’t understand why he’s questioning everyone else when he just admitted to seeing it and hangs out with them. So why isn’t he saying anything or stopping it? The same reason everyone at the school chooses not to, I don’t matter to them.

I’m about to hang up on him again because my mind is going in circles, and I’m starting to question if this is right. But what he says next makes me stop breathing, and I forget how to make my mouth work. It all comes out fast and low. “What the hell, Emilee you’re beautiful, and anyone who thinks differently is blind.”Bullshit.I don’t speak just take slow breaths in and out. Looking up, I see a shooting star go past my window, and I make a wish. I wish that he’s telling me the truth.

“Emilee, I know you are still there. I can hear you breathing.”

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