Page 151 of The Future Play

He squints at me in disbelief. “Wait. Have you been worried about that this whole time?”

“Uh, a little.”

“Jamie, you’re in your first year in the majors and we’ve won half the games you’ve played. You’re not perfect, but we’re not looking to get rid of you. You’re a part of our talent and we want to build on that. Trust me, there’s only one person on this teamwe’d like to get rid of, and it’s not you. Is that why you’ve been struggling so much?”

“Not entirely. A lot of it is not measuring up to my own standards.”

“Well, give yourself a break, because you’re doing fine. AAA and the majors are two entirely different things. As much as you might want to, walking in here and rocking it your first season is unrealistic. Be patient. You’ll get there, but you have to get out of your own way.”

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I nod. “Yeah. Uh, to that end, is there any chance I can get in with the sports psychologist today or in the next few days?”

“I’ll make it happen.”

“Thank you.”

He claps me on the shoulder, and I let out a long breath. Despite the fear and uncertainties about my relationship, I finally feel some peace about my game, like I’m moving in the right direction, and after months of feeling completely out of sorts, I’ll take it.

The airon the mound is clearer today. Or maybe that’s my head.

Why does it take almost losing everything to realize how fucked up things are?

Is it just me?

Given how many times I’ve watched my friends do this exact shit, I know it’s not. Probably that whole it’s always darkest before the dawn thing.

Although for me it felt more like I was drowning, then I realized I was face down in a stream and all I had to do was stand up.

Not my proudest moment, but it’s been a whole summer of that.

Breathing in the fresh air, I refocus. Now isn’t the time for that.

Marc sent me right to the sports psychologist after I went to see him this morning. It was almost like he was waiting for me to say I needed it. I wouldn’t put it past him. That’s what good coaches do, right? See what their players need.

The psychologist said something that I’ve used as my focus all game.

Only focus on what I can control, especially in this moment. Combined with Aaron’s reminder to focus on one thing at a time, I’ve been in a better space all game. Which must be how I made it to the top of the seventh inning for a change. I know this will be my last inning. Though we have a decent lead, I know we could still lose the game.

But I can’t control that.

All I can control is how the ball leaves my hand and crosses the plate.

There’s a runner on second and two outs.

One last batter is all it will take for me to finish my part of this game strong.

One thing at a time. One pitch at a time.

The first pitch is a strike. The second is fouled off. The third is a ball. The fourth is fouled off.

My catcher gives me the sign for the next pitch, but it’s not the one I want to throw.

I can’t control that.

All I can do is control how I throw it. So I lock in and focus.

The ball whizzes across the plate.

“Strike.”

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