Page 139 of The Future Play

“Drive safe, baby. I love you.”

I give him my brightest smile. “Love you too, baseball boy.”

He smiles at that, then steps back and shuts my car door.

I look back as I’m pulling out of the parking spot, then I’m off for five lonely hours to Old Lake Town.

Nothing like a therapysession to cap off a day of travel and moving back into the lake house with my friends. It was originally supposed to be during my time back home while Jamie was traveling, but we had to reschedule. I figured I’d get it out of the way, but my therapist is on fire today and low-key making me regret it.

“Why didn’t you talk more about the disconnect between you two while you were together?” my therapist asks.

She says it matter-of-factly. Like she’s asking what the weather is.

But maybe that’s how I should be looking at it. Like it doesn’t have to be big and dramatic, but part of life. Part of normal discussions. Jamie and I should be talking about those things. But we didn’t.

“Were you holding back because you were angry?” she prods when I don’t answer.

“No.” Ugh.Thisis why I can’t make it matter-of-fact. Because of the ugly emotions that swell inside me when I think about it. “I wanted to enjoy things being happy for a few days because there’s been so much chaos.”

“And talking about the hard things would’ve ruined that?”

I bite my lip and force a deep breath. “I was afraid it would push him away, and then he would push me away.”

All my feelings and fears about being unwanted or not chosen swirl around me.

“Amanda, have you ever heard of rejection sensitivity?”

“I’ve heard it mentioned in the past, but not much else.”

“Well, there’s a lot of nuance to it, and it’s not an official diagnosis, but you seem to be rejection sensitive within your interpersonal relationships. You’ve mentioned feeling unwanted or not chosen or that you’re afraid of those things. Do you feel that’s the case?”

I swallow hard. “Yes. It’s one of my biggest triggers.”

She looks at me thoughtfully. “Often, those types of feelings are brought on by a traumatic event or repeated small traumatic events. Does anything in your life stand out to you?”

Fuck.I’ve never felt this called out in my life.

“It’s—there are several different things I could point to. I was always the kid who had to ask for attention. It was never freely given. But there is one bigger thing too…” Then I explain about Maci. What she did. “I felt almost gaslit when she walked away and had her mother tell me never to come back. It was like she couldn’t face the reality that we shared something and needed to make it one-sided—make me feel crazy for thinking she felt anything for me. It still eats away at me. Sometimes I think if I could just get closure, it would fix all my problems.”

“Closure isn’t a reality most of the time. Expecting anyone who we’ve had struggles with to tell us what we need to hear to move on is unlikely. And ultimately, the healing from it is still found within. What would knowing the truth of her feelings help?”

“I wouldn’t feel crazy. I’d know it wasn’t my fault.”

“Her treating you poorly was not your fault. It’s clear you had a relationship. You don’t continuously partake in consensual intimacy with someone if there’s no relationship of any sort. Whether or not she meant the words she said is irrelevant. Those words meant something to you, and you’re allowed to feel hurt because she went back on them. Holding on to that desire to knowwhyis only hurting you.”

“Ouch.”

She smiles softly. “What do you do with thatouchnow?”

“Work through it?” I ask with a hopeful smile.

“Exactly. I’m here to help find tools that work for you to do exactly that. And knowing you struggle with rejection sensitivity means we can find coping skills to help with that too.”

“Thank you,” I say, even though I know I don’t need to. This is her job, but this is the first time I’ve felt like I’mregaining some of my power and agency. Understanding myself better means I have a chance to heal more, and I want to do that.

Jamie

I’m not looking forwardto tonight’s game. Amanda has been gone for five days, and I’ve barely slept the entire time. I’m not sure why. Because she’s not here? Or because things have been messy at best between us? Or just because I’m so exhausted, but I can’t settle my mind?

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