Page 40 of The Future Play

He may not have been trying to hurt me, but I got the message loud and clear. There’s chemistry between us, but chemistry is nothing compared to love. His first love will always be baseball, and there’s no chance I’d ever compete with that.

I’mexhausted when I get home. Thanks to the makeup wipes I keep in my purse, I don’t look like a raccoon anymore, but my eyes are still red and puffy. I hate that I cried over him. That I gave him that power.

It takes me a minute to climb out of the car. I just want to magically teleport to my bed where I can wallow for the night, then get up in the morning, put my big girl panties on, and move forward.

None of the friend group needs to know about this. Even though it’s unlike me to keep things from the girls, I kept my crush on Jamie a secret because that whole group likes to meddle—not that I can say anything, I meddle for them too—and I didn’t want to deal with that.

It’s for the better now. We can move on. I can play the friendly part when I have to with Jamie. Otherwise, I don’t plan to talk to him anymore.

When I get in the house, the first thing I hear is my brothers talking.

Ugh. The last thing I want is to deal with other humans right now.

“That’s what you get for being a dick, Joshy,” Pete says, laughing as Josh swears at him.

They’re splayed out on the living room couches playing video games.

“Hey, Mands,” Pete says, but when he looks up at me, his brow furrows. “Are you okay?”

Josh looks up too, and it’s a fifty-fifty chance on whether he says something that makes me want to punch him or if he threatens to beat someone up for me.

And I can’t handle either one, so I turn around and walk out the back door, down the steps, across the lawn to Jace’s house, then climb onto the doors of the storm cellar like I’ve done hundreds of times, and knock on Jace’s window.

The latch unclicks, and that’s all the invitation I need to open it and climb through.

I shut it behind me, then slip off my shoes and climb into bed next to Jace.

“What happened?” she whispers.

“Remind me to stop catching feelings for people who don’t actually want me.”

Jace rolls over and wipes a tear off my cheek.

“If they don’t choose you, they don’t deserve you.”

She squeezes my hand then rolls onto her back again. I repeat those words over and over as I stare at the ceiling, trying to reinforce my self-worth. But as I drift off to sleep, it’s the thrumming ache of rejection that surrounds me.

7

STUPID BOY

Jamie

There’san endless barrage of sounds around me as I stare out into my backyard. People are talking, glasses are clinking, my siblings are shrieking down by the swing set, and people are walking back and forth all around me.

It’s my birthday party, and yet I’m the least festive one here.

Of course, big gatherings plus being an introvert aren’t the best combination, but these are all people I like. And I’m having fun. I am. But the problem is I’m painfully aware of who’s not here.

It’s been almost a month since that night sitting just a few feet away on this deck with Amanda. Since I realized I had feelings for her and blew my chances with her all in one fell swoop.

I thought I had to stop things because I couldn’t have it all. When I leaned in to kiss her, I didn’t realize how deep my feelings ran. Then our lips met and everything snapped into focus. I thought it was just a crush—an infatuation that would fade in time. I thought she felt the same. But I was wrong on all counts. I had feelings for her. Ihavefeelings for her. Worse, it seems like she had feelings for me, and I hurt her. Right after I thought Icouldn’t imagine how anyone could ever let her go, I did exactly that, and the gut-wrenching heartbreak in her eyes is something that will haunt me forever.

I spent the next week trying to come to terms with that, while kicking myself for crossing that line. For screwing things up. In the weeks since, I haven’t stopped thinking about it—or her. All I want is to fix things with her, but I’m not sure what fixing it would mean. Even if I did, it doesn’t matter because she refuses to answer any of my texts. I haven’t even bothered trying to call because if she hasn’t responded to any of my apologies over text, she isn’t going to answer her phone for me.

“Hey.” I almost jump when Aaron claps me on the shoulder. He hands me a soda as he points at me. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah.”

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