Page 153 of The Future Play

“It makes me feel stupid. Like I was overreacting.”

Rae turns her head and stares at me until I turn and look at her.

“You were not overreacting. Everyone in this house will agree on that. He screwed up. You’re allowed to have feelings about that and let them out—to hold him accountable. And if you’ve discovered that you don’t care about the difficulties of life dating a professional baseball player, then you did what you said you weregoing to do and figured it out. Now you need to figure out what’s really holding you back.”

She kisses my cheek, then hops off the bed, getting back to organizing her closet.

She’s right. Slowly, I push myself up. I need to organize too—not my closet, though. My life.

Jace has madeit her mission to make sure I’ve been having fun and have been distracted since she got here Friday night, but as we sit on the dock looking out at the lake as the fog lifts off it on Sunday morning, Jace nudges her knee against mine and gives me a gentle smile.

“What are you thinking about?”

“What comes next. What to say to Jamie.”

“Maybe you should figure out how you’re feeling first.”

I sniff over a laugh. “That’s the tricky part, isn’t it?”

“Can I tell you what I see?”

“We both know you’re going to anyway.” And I’d do the same for her.

“You’re rightfully angry at how Jamie treated you and figuring out how to live the life of a professional baseball player’s significant other is challenging for you. But those aren’t the things that are holding you back from reaching out to him and working through this.”

“I hate you,” I mumble, pulling my knees up to my chest.

“Talk to me.”

I rest my chin on my knees and stare out at the lake. “I’m scared. I’m scared that this disconnection and the moments he wasn’t there for me mean he’s not really in this. Or baseball will need to be his focus and he’ll let me go.” Tears trickle down my cheeks. “My therapist said she thinks I struggle with rejection sensitivity, and I agree with that. I have some coping skills to use,and I’m trying to, but it’s really overwhelming, and the person I need reassurance from is who I pushed away. I don’t know how to ask for that reassurance now.”

“In a perfect world, what do you want to happen?” Jace asks.

“I want to be with him. I love him. That hasn’t changed, but I need to know he loves me too. I don’t want to have to question it, and that’s all I’ve done lately. Then I get scared that pushing him away has driven a wedge between us, and maybe I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay to take time and space to figure out what you want and need. You can love him and want to be with him, but still hold him accountable.”

She’s right. Those are all the same things the practical part of my brain has been saying, but my heart is afraid of being broken, and my rejection sensitivity is telling me to run.

Staring out at the lake, I take a few deep breaths and focus on one of the coping skills my therapist recommended, which is to challenge negative thoughts.

Jamie is still fighting for me. He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t care.

But even if he was going to reject me, I can’t change that. I have to face it, and trust that I can navigate through it.

More importantly, though, I need to trust what we’ve built and not let my fears or my mental health get in the way. I told him to be responsible for his mental health, and I have to be responsible for mine.

I don’t want this to be the end of us, so it’s time to face my fears, stand up, and start fighting again.

Jamie

Weirdly,one good thing came out of my night getting drunk with some of my teammates—I’m more at ease with them now.They didn’t give me shit afterward; they were supportive and only teased me a little.

I’ve been working with the sports psychologist regularly, and that has helped me too. His most recent recommendation was to consider creating a pregame ritual for myself. He said it could help me get out of my head and focus on the game. Like walking into a new space and shutting the door behind me.

“Anyone have any ideas for a mantra or pregame ritual?” I ask as we get ready in the clubhouse.

“Have you never done any kind of pregame ritual?” Corey asks.

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