Page 137 of The Future Play

It’s going to take time, and that’s frustrating and stressful because we don’t have a lot before she’s back at school and I’ll be lucky to see her a weekend or two each month.

But I can’t fix anything if I don’t start trying.

Slowly, I reach over and run my fingers through her long, silky hair, hoping when she realizes it’s me touching her, she doesn’t slap my hand away.

Amanda

The gentle caressof fingers over my temple pulls me from sleep.

It takes me a moment to orient to what’s happening—what happened.

Yesterday was not good. Two fights. Two messy, complicated yelling matches. Not really matches, I guess. I did most of the yelling.

I wanted last night to be better. I had my second meeting with my therapist yesterday after Jamie left for his game, and I told her all the ugly details. She was entirely unfazed, and gave me some helpful tips in addition to talking through some of my feelings with me. But the most important thing was the reminder that Jamie can’t read my mind, and even though I was mad at him, keeping my feelings from him didn’t serve a purpose—it hurt both of us more. It’s okay for me to be angry, but I have to tell him I’m angry. Preferably when we’re both in a space to listen calmly.

That wasn’t last night. When he blamed me, pure rage flowed through me. After I yelled at him and had time alone to process, though, that wasn’t what stuck with me. It was the anger in his eyes. He’s never looked at me like that before.

Yet here he is now, gently stroking my hair to wake me up. I flash my eyes open and look at him. There’s regret and pain in his eyes, but it’s surrounded by tenderness. A tenderness that makes me want to burst into tears because I’ve been craving it.

“I’m sorry. I know those are just pretty words at this point, but they’re where I need to start. I’m so sorry. Sorry I blamed you.Sorry I hurt you. Sorry for all of it.” He gently rests his large hand on my cheek. “Things aren’t good right now, are they?”

Slowly, I shake my head. “Neither of us has done a great job of focusing on our relationship.”

“You have,” he whispers.

“No. I’ve prioritized you. I haven’t prioritized us. I also haven’t been talking to you, and I’m sorry for that too.”

He closes his eyes for a moment. “I remember you telling me once that growing up, the squeaky wheel always got the grease, but you never learned to squeak loud enough. But the thing is, you should never have to squeak with me. I don’t know how to fix this, but I think it has to start with talking—or you talking and me listening. Why didn’t you talk to me sooner? Especially about what happened with Maci?”

I could say it was solely because I was angry, but I know that’s not the truth.

“I was mad. But mostly… I was struggling, and I needed my person. I was vulnerable with you, and when you didn’t take the time to listen to me, it made me feel unwanted.” He opens his mouth to say something, but I wave my hand. “I don’t need you to apologize again. I just need you to understand. You’re my person. You’re always the one I want to comfort me, and when I don’t have that…” I trail off as tears spill from my eyes.

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me tight to him. It’s what I’ve needed for too long. To be held. To know I’m safe. To know his mind isn’t somewhere else. All of him is here with me.

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner. I was angry and afraid to open myself up again.”

“I understand why you didn’t. I’m sorry I blamed you for last night. I was angry and wanted someone to blame, but it’s not you. It’s never you.”

“Do you understand why I said I can’t go on the trip? It’s not because I don’t want to. I want to. If I could, I’d be with you all the time, but I can’t maintain the other parts of my life if I do that, and I’m?—”

“I understand,” he whispers, voice shaking. His fingers curl into my hair as he holds me tighter. “It wasn’t fair to get mad at you for that. Everything feels better with you, and that’s why I wanted you there. I wasn’t thinking about you.” He buries his face in my neck. “I’m sorry for the pressure I put on you, but I can never apologize for the way I need you. Even when I’m doing it wrong, even when we’re a mess, I need you.”

His lips press into the skin of my neck, and I tilt my head, desperate for more. I’ve missed this. Us. The connection we have. It’s always been a brilliant white flame burning between us, but it’s dimmed recently.

He lifts his head, pulling back, but I tug him closer, grabbing his cheeks in my hands. “I need you too. I’ve needed you more than I can put into words. I need us. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Frantically, I pull him to my lips. He slips his hand under my shirt as we both give in to the love flowing between us, what we’ve both neglected but need now more than ever.

He pulls back again and looks at me, awe in his eyes, like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Like nothing else could ever hold his attention the way I do.

“You’re perfect,” he murmurs.

Then it’s rough kisses and fumbling to get our clothes off.

My emotions are out of control, and I can’t stop the tears that spring to my eyes.

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