Page 136 of The Future Play

I’m holding on to the dream—the career—I’ve worked so hard for by a thread, and it hasn’t left a lot of mental space for anything else, but we’re still us, right?

I’m doing the best I can. Why is that not enough?

She’s surprisingly calm when I walk over to her, but why wouldn’t she be? She let everything out on me right before I had to pitch. It’s no wonder I played like shit.

When I get to her, she looks at me like she wants to say something, but doesn’t. I’m too pissed to say anything. Not here. Instead, we walk silently to the car, then climb in the back seat, enduring a painfully quiet forty-five-minute ride back to the apartment.

I hate how far the apartment is from the stadium. Who gives a fuck about how nice our little neighborhood is when it’s so damn far away from where I have to spend a huge chunk of my time?

Amanda keeps glancing at me, but doesn’t say anything. Of course not. Why would she talk to me when she can bottle it up and explode at the worst time?

When we get back to the apartment, I’m dangerously close tothrowing shit and having a tantrum. I’m too keyed up. Too pissed off.

I don’t say a word to Amanda when we walk through the door. I just drop my shit and storm toward the bedroom.

“Jamie…” she calls, following me.

I clench and release my fists, the anger inside me boiling over.

“Why did you do that?” I yell when she walks through the bedroom door.

She jolts back. “Do what?”

“Why did you pick a fucking fight with me right before the game? I couldn’t think—I couldn’t focus. I threw one of the worst games of my life because of you!”

Amanda goes eerily still, then crosses the room, her icy gaze set on me.

“I did not pick a fight. Wehada fight, and I held you accountable for how you’ve been treating me. Don’t you dare blame me for what happened at that game.Iam not responsible for your emotions. You’re an adult. You need to learn how to manage those yourself. When something is hurting me and I have to run an event, I have to put it all aside and be in that space and in that moment. Maybe I can’t let all of it go, but I have had to learn how to do what I need to do when I need to do it. Granted, I’m a woman, so we’re trained to do that from a young age. Smile or someone will think I’m rude. Be friendly to everyone I meet or they’ll think I’m a bitch. Control my temper or I’ll hear a snide comment about how I must be on my period. I spend my life managing my fucking emotions, and I will not enable you to put your emotions on to me. They are your responsibility. Your mental health is your responsibility. You need to step up and learn how to handle those things yourself, or eventually, you’re going to run out of people and things to blame, and you’ll be left with nothing.”

She storms past me toward the bathroom.

“I’m going to get ready for bed. Sulk if you need to. Work through your emotions. Figure your shit out, but do not talk tome like that again, and if you can’t do that, then don’t expect to sleep in this bedroom tonight.”

She walks into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. All I can do is stare at the dark wood and kick myself.

She’s right.

She was right earlier, and she’s right now.

My mental game has been shit most of the season, and that has nothing to do with her. She still shouldn’t have waited to tell me how she was feeling until she exploded, but I didn’t give her a lot of options.

For someone who claims to always see me, you’ve had your eyes shut a lot of the time lately.

The words ring in my ears, cutting deep as they were intended to.

Fuck.

How did we get here?

I stare at the door for a minute longer, then change into comfortable clothes and walk out of the bedroom.

I need to figure out my shit, but more importantly, I need to figure out how to start fixing things with my girl.

I barely slept last night.I crawled into bed around three, but all I did for another hour was watch Amanda sleep.

The transition to the majors has been rough for me, but I didn’t realize how deeply it was affecting Amanda—affecting us—because I wasn’t paying attention.

I’ve always told her I see her, and I’m not sure how to fix how little I’veseenher over the past couple of months. I know her well enough to know it can’t just be words. It has to be action.

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