Page 128 of The Future Play

“Thanks. I’ll work on relaxing more for our interviews.”

A waiter sets a steak in front of me and I sigh happily. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. The only thing missing is Amanda. I can’t wait to tell her about the game.

For the first time in weeks, I feel like I’m on the right track again.

Amanda

Girls’night was everything I needed and more.

I’d forgotten how lonely I used to feel before I met this crazy tribe. They changed me for the better, and being without them has been a struggle. I’m excited to go back to school simply because I’ll be a little more grounded. Sure, I’ve been here throughout the summer. I’ve supported my friends and we’ve had girls’ nights, but I’ve been spread so thin I haven’t enjoyed most of them the way I needed to. And I hadn’t let them in.

As much as I still suck at being vulnerable, that little breakdown with Hyla and Mackie today was necessary. All the girlshave a way of making me feel safe, but Hyla and Mackie both excel at it. Hyla because she knows the difficulty of being vulnerable all too well, and Mackie because she knows me so well and she’s a quiet, thoughtful listener. She’s always paying attention but never pushes.

We came back to my place and the peace that washed over me the second I was inside was another boost. All the girls were here, and we got so much takeout from Marion’s Café—the definition of food cooked with love—and watched the baseball game.

It was good to see Jamie get a win, even if it made me feel a little guilty I wasn’t there. But I know how much I needed tonight. I have to hold on to the things that fulfill me, even if it means I’m not at every game.

I also need to take care of myself, as Hyla recommended. The girls left about an hour ago, and I’ve spent most of the time since researching therapists online. I knew finding one in person would be too chaotic with how much I’m going from place to place, so I went through multiple companies and profiles until I found one that sounded right for me, then I snagged the first available appointment, which is in a few days.

Now I’m waiting for Jamie to call. Rae told me earlier that Aaron had made the drive down to Philly for the game, and I’m glad. Jamie needs support from people other than me. His parents try to go when they can, but with three young kids, it’s difficult.

I’m exhausted, but forcing myself to stay up so I can hear about the game… and tell Jamie about my day. He’s not here to give me a hug—though I was craving that by the end of the night—but he knows how to reassure me and make me feel better, even from a distance. Hopefully, his meeting with Emily won’t go too much longer.

Needing a distraction, I put on my favorite season ofFriends, determined to stay awake.

It’s twenty minutes later when Jamie finally calls.

“Hey, baby,” I answer. “Great game today.”

He makes a happy noise, and again a pang of guilt hits. I wishI was there with him. We haven’t gotten to celebrate enough lately.

“Thank you. Aaron gave me some good advice, and I think it helped.” He jumps in and tells me everything that happened from his point of view, and it’s refreshing to hear that happiness in his voice. As strange as it sounds, it feels nice to miss him too. Everything has either been chaotic or desperate. We haven’t had a chance to miss each other in a good way, and the coziness of how our relationship used to be wraps around me. How we used to talk half the night when I was at school. “It felt so good to finally get another win,” he says as he finishes telling me about it.

“You deserve it. I watched the whole game with the girls. I might’ve screamed when you had the 1-2-3 inning in the third.”

He chuckles. “Wish you could’ve been there. But I get why you weren’t. How was your meeting today?” he asks with a yawn.

That coldness runs through me again when I remember it. “Ah, not great.”

“I’m sorry, babe.” He yawns again. “Hold on a sec.” There’s a rustling sound, then he comes back on. “Just needed to get more comfortable. So, what happened?”

“Well, the girl I spoke with was lovely. And it actually really sucks because I wanted to plan her wedding. She’s my dream client. She was excited, had some great ideas, and really looked forward to working with me. Plus, it would’ve been my first queer wedding. But I just couldn’t do it. Because… the girl she’s marrying is”—I suck in a sharp breath as my voice breaks again—“Maci.”

There’s silence on the other end of the line.

“Jamie?”

I pull my phone from my ear to make sure the call is still connected, and it is.

“Jamie? Can you hear me?”

Then I hear a soft snore.

“Jamie!” I yell, but all I get in return is another snore.

And just like that, all the warm, fuzzy feelings slip away. Iforced myself to stay up even though I was exhausted. I listened to him tell me all about the game, but he couldn’t even stay awake for a few more minutes to hear about my day?

I need my boyfriend right now, and he can’t be bothered to even try to be here for me. This is the worst day I’ve had in a long time, and…fuck.

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