Page 126 of The Future Play

So I do.

“You are not the problem,” Hyla says when I’ve finished. “It was never about you.”

“Then why was I the collateral damage?”

“Because some people aren’t strong enough to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions, and they hurt other people in the process,” Mackie says. “I know this has always been a trigger point for you, but it seemed like you’d moved on or healed a bit from it over the years.”

“I thought I had,” I admit, my throat thickening with emotion again. “I don’t feel like the strongest version of myself right now.”

“How have things been with you and Jamie?” Hyla asks, getting right to the heart of things as usual. I swear, because she’s walked through the hardest times, she always seems to know exactly what someone else’s struggles are. And she’s always ready to jump in and help.

“Hard,” I admit. With that, I explain everything else that’sbeen happening lately. The multitude of little moments that have built into something bigger—something harder to face. Especially when I’m facing it alone. “I’m trying to keep it all together and support him, but I feel like I’m failing at every turn.”

“If you’re always supporting him, who’s supporting you?” Mackie asks.

I turn and look at her, then Hyla. “You. All the girls.”

“But you have to let us,” Hyla whispers. “You’ve been struggling alone for weeks and haven’t told us. We’re all here for you, so please don’t hide from us.”

“You mean I have to ask for help?” I joke, but it falls flat.

“It’s either that or we start showing up on your doorstep.”

“Yep. We’ll create a whole rotation so one of us is there all the time,” Mackie says with her signature troublemaking smile.

“I feel weak,” I whisper. “Usually I muscle through things with a good attitude. Not being able to makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m not trying hard enough—or I’m not strong enough.”

“You’re not failing. Or weak. You are strong and badass and so fiercely loving and supportive. It’s normal to struggle with change. I know you’re used to being superwoman, but you don’t have to be. Give yourself the same grace you’d give any of us,” Hyla says.

Why is it so hard to have grace for yourself when you’d never be as hard on any of the people you love?

“Thank you.” I blow out a shaky breath. “I’ve really missed you all.”

“We’ve missed you too.”

“I have another suggestion.” Hyla bites her lip. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you should consider going to therapy. I’ve learned the hard way that thinking you can manage it on your own never leads to anything but unnecessary struggle.”

“I’ve thought about it.” More than once, if I’m honest. “But I’ve talked myself out of it or convinced myself I didn’t need itbecause when things are good, I’m fine. It’s only when I struggle that I think about it. Isn’t that just how life goes?”

Hyla smiles and squeezes my hand again. “You don’t go to therapy to be able to handle the good days. You go to therapy to work through what you need to so you have the strength and resilience to get through the hard days.”

“Well, when you put it like that…” I sigh. She’s right. I know she is. In the past, I’ve been able to muscle through hard times with a good attitude because underneath it all, for the most part, I felt settled and calm. That’s not true anymore. I’m in a constant state of inner turmoil, so when my outside world gets chaotic, I don’t have a safe place. “Is it okay to admit I’m scared?”

“Of course. If therapy was easy, everyone would be doing it,” Hyla says. “Or if society and our healthcare system acknowledged how important mental health is and didn’t trivialize and demonize it. But that’s a battle for another day.” She bumps her knee against mine. “We all love you, and we’re going to get you through this. Actually… I think this calls for an emergency girls’ night.” I open my mouth, but Hyla pins me with a look. “Do not argue with me on this. You need to be surrounded by love.”

I laugh at that because I wasn’t going to. “No arguments. I was just going to ask if we could do it at my apartment. I want to be home.”

Jamie is so back and forth it’s hard to rely on him as a safe space. I haven’t been a safe place for myself. But my home is, and I need that right now too.

Jamie

Holy shit.

I’m kicking ass tonight.

There have been some tough batters on this team, but I’ve only let a handful of hits through and one run in five innings. For once I might make it a full seven or eightinnings.

What Aaron said this morning stuck with me—to remember why I love playing, and being out here today with the sun shining and a light breeze blowing has had me in my element. Like I might as well be back on the field at Ida High, playing with my best friends.

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