Page 115 of The Future Play

I took a quick nap on the couch as soon as I got back here, then took a bath and ordered some takeout. It got here ten minutes ago, and I’m keeping it warm in the oven, since Jamie should be home from the game any minute.

At least he’s not pitching today, so I’m hoping he’ll be in a better mood. It was hard not being able to comfort him, and even harder that he wouldn’t let me in. When he faced losses in high school or with the Knights, usually we talked for an hour, had some kind of phone sex, and he felt a lot better. Me not physically being there wasn’t as painful as it seemed to be on Wednesday.

It made me feel crappy, especially since I’d had a good—if chaotic—day. I never mentioned that we won our volleyball match or the breakthrough I had in the final layout for thegala. It seemed wrong to talk about my success when he’s struggling. Which is also weird for me because I like sharing everything with him. I’ve gotten used to that.

I try to ignore the prick at my heart when I think that.

This is temporary. Growing pains.

The door swings open, and Jamie walks in. When he sees me and a relieved smile appears on his face, my worries melt away.

I hop off the kitchen stool and walk over to him. He drops his bags and pulls me into a bear hug, holding me close and burying his face in my neck.

“How was the game?”

“We won. Probably because I wasn’t pitching.”

He moves to pull away, but I hold him tighter. “Don’t do that. You’re an amazing pitcher, and you’re great at proving yourself. It might not happen all in your first month, and that’s okay. You’ve got what it takes to meet this dream and soar higher, to even bigger ones.”

He sighs, leaning into me more, fingers curling in my hair. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

We stand like that for a moment, in a cozy cocoon of our love. This is the love that we’ve walked through distance and separation for. One that grounds and heals us both.

“Will you try to be at every game I pitch? I’m just… better with you there. And even when I’m not, I need you after. Please.”

I run my fingers through his hair, trying to tamp down the slight frustration I feel. I appreciate that he wants me there. I’m his partner. But I can’t drop every single thing in my life to serve him, and for a good chunk of our relationship, I sacrifice significantly more of myself than he has to. I sacrifice having him there to support me and cheer me on. Sacrificing the things that I love, that make me who I am, isn’t something I’m willing to do—not anymore than I already have.

But… there’s probably a better way I can balance my schedule. And with volleyball almost finished, there’sno reason I can’t try to be at every game he pitches—at least until I go back to school in a little over a month.

“I’ll do everything I can to be there.”

“Thank you.” He pulls away with a soft kiss to my head.

“There’s Italian takeout in the oven.”

“Perfect. I’ll just go change into something more comfortable.”

“And hopefully more revealing,” I tease. He chuckles and goes to walk away, but I grab his hand. “I love you.”

He turns back and kisses me. “I love you too. God, I’m so much better when I’m with you.”

He squeezes my hand and heads for the bedroom, and as happy as I am to be back in his arms, I’m worried about the weight he’s putting on me, and what’ll happen when I can’t be there for him.

Growing pains, I remind myself again, but it doesn’t stop that needling little worry in my heart.

17

CRY IT OUT

Jamie

I watchfrom the kitchen island as Amanda flits around the apartment, stuffing things in bags and occasionally stopping to furiously type something on her phone. I’d offer to help, but I’ve learned by now I would only distract her from her thoughts. The chaos is all part of her preparation.

Like a pregame ritual.

Maybe I need something like that to help me get my game back on track.

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