Page 104 of Protect

My days pass in a sort of blur, I keep as busy as possible. I work, I play with Hollie, I sleep, I dwell on all the things I should’ve said to Rowan before he left, and then do it all over again the next day…all while I wait for the possibility of a text from him, if he has service. From the news I’m told, crews are deep in the mountains in spike camps so it’s been radio silence, which makes my anxiety feel even more crushing.

I did learn one thing from the night he left. I learned I needed to finally talk to someone. So the very next day, before I lost my nerve, I got on the phone and found a grief therapist, and after two sessions with her I already feel a little lighter. Just being able to talk to someone who will listen without judgement or ties tomy family has been like taking a deep breath for the first time in years. Someone offering coping mechanisms has me feeling better already somehow, and I wonder why it took me this long to do this.

Yet still, my days pass in worry while Rowan is gone. The only connection I have to him is the live footage of the blaze. When I hear at the end of every day that no firefighters have been lost or injured, I feel relief, but I know I won’t fully breathe right or sleep properly until he’s home.

If I could go back to the night he left I would’ve flung my arms around him and told him I loved him too, but I can’t. All I can do is never let him leave again without telling him, and that every day that passes I just feel empty without him. Imisshim, so much so that the next day I did something long overdue. I went to visit Jacob. I just needed my brother.

I know I can’t be out here long. The air is thick with humidity and smoke. I swipe the ash off Jacob’s headstone and the crushing feeling of loss spreads through me like I lost him yesterday.

“I know you’re thinking I suck because I haven’t been here,” I tell him, taking a seat on the grass. “I’ve been busy, but it’s not an excuse…” I proceed to tell him all about Hollie and Troy and our move back, and even Rowan coming to tell me the truth about everything.

“...sending Rowan into my burn unit? That was some trickery. And I can’t help but wonder if it was your way of giving me your truth.”

I picture the way Jacob would smile when he was up to something or denying the truth and it makes me smile in return.

“I know it wasn’t a mistake, and I’m glad I know what happened, I just wish you would’ve told me at the time. Iwish you would’ve trusted me with that,” I add, imagining him saying, “You would’ve flipped out.”

“True.” I sniff through my tears as I pluck a clover from the grass and twirl it between my fingers.

“It’s never been the same since you left, and I’ve been pretending it’s all okay and burying these fears and this grief for five years. It was easier to leave rather than face the fact that you’re gone. But now, I feel like you brought me back here, and you brought me Rowan, and for that…” I choke out a sob. “I could never thank you enough because he’s the only one I’ve ever loved. He’s a good man, Jacob, and I just wish you were here with us. I wish you could see Hollie…” I sniff and blow my nose, trying to find the words I know have been holding back for a long time.

“I’m getting help, finally. I know I need it. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow,” I whisper so quietly I barely hear it myself. The moment I do a gust of wind blows some ash into the air and my hair swirls around my face. I suck in a breath and close my eyes. I can feel him all around me.

There are moments, even in death, when I know Jacob is trying to tell me something and when I hear the words“I wouldn’t bring him to you just to take him away, Vivi”echo through my mind I know without a doubt it’s been Jacob guiding us together, guiding me to learn the truth, and guiding me to face my past this entire time. That feeling alone tells me everything will be okay, that I’m right where I’m supposed to be and that through all of this, he’s never really left me. He’s in my heart, always.

More days pass, and by day ten I’m about to go out of my mind as I’m packing Hollie up to go with Troy to dinner and to see the new Disney movie. It’s the first time he’s seen her in over a month, since before he canceled on her forSuperPets,and the only way I’m getting Hollie to go is because he’s promised to buy her ice cream after the movie. I’ve also decided in Rowan’s absence that I’m going to carve out some time to have Troy settle a schedule with me. It’s only been a few months since we’ve been home but this will no longer work. Hollie needs to know she can count on her father, and I won’t tolerate him popping in and out of her life. If he doesn’t like it, he can see me in court.

“Will you be here to tuck me in?” Hollie asks as I add some snacks for the movie into her backpack.

“Of course, babe. You’re going to have so much fun with Daddy tonight.”

I’ve told Teddy I’m coming over while Hollie is gone and made her promise to feed me pizza and wine, which she happily agreed to do if I watch all the kids long enough for her to have an uninterrupted shower.

“Knock, knock,” Troy says as he knocks while walking right into my house.

“I was coming,” I say, letting him know that’s not cool.

“Daddy!” Hollie calls as she runs to him. He picks her up, dotting little kisses all over her cheeks and tells her she’s grown so much and she’s so big.

“I want to have a cheer burger,” Hollie says. He nods and sets her down. She makes a beeline for the back of the house when Iask her to be my helper and get her pink sweater from her bed. Troy makes his way toward me and leans in with an awkward side hug.This is new.

“I got the promotion,” he says with a big handsome smile. It only serves to annoy me.

“Congrats?” I say to him, not understanding what that means exactly.

“All my overtime paid off, you’re looking at Seattle Sinai’s newest chief resident.”

“That’s great, Troy,” I say as I turn and head into the living room where Hollie is holding her sweater while watching the tail end of a TV show.

“That means I’ll have more regular hours so I should be able to come out every other weekend, maybe even bring Hollie back with me for a night.”

That’s nice that he’s fitting her in now. Until the next big promotion.

“That will take some time, after a few months of you coming regularly she might be ready for that,” I tell him, doing my best to sound in control and authoritative.

“What’s this?” Troy asks, standing in front of my fireplace staring at the 8x10SuperPetsframe of Rowan, myself, and Hollie at the concert. My mouth falls open because I was not prepared to explain Rowan to a man who’s barely been around.

“You went? How? Who is this guy?”

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